Love & Marriage

I still remember the first time I fell in love. I was 15 years old. It was the first time that someones eyes and mouth became magnets for me. That was the beginning. What followed was all encompassing. This was before I had heard about self- love and my brain was not involved. It was purely a matter of the heart and when I couldn't be with him, I felt like I HAD TO BE. My entire life revolved around him. Talk about 0 to 60. 

Love at the age of 15 became love at the age of 17. My first boyfriend left and my second quickly followed. This relationship would see me through college (or lack thereof) and it was a rollercoaster. I am still recovering even though this person is no longer in my life. I believe he was the door waiting to be unlocked. He would show me to myself. Again, this love was all encompassing for me. It was summertime and moon shine. 

My third love is now. It is trying to right my wrongs. It is knowledge and practice and perseverance. It keeps me up at night. It is the birth of my two children. It is my strength and my weakness. 

I experienced true love once, in a matter of moments. It was gone just as quickly as it came, like a rocket ship to the moon. It was a melody. It still makes my heart swell. It is from this experience that love was built. 

I want to feel happy in love and joyful. I want to feel committed. I want to feel open and free. I want to feel warm socks on a Christmas morning and the sparks of a New Years kiss. In love, I want to feel like even when I am alone, my heart is not. I want to feel safe and adored. 

I feel this with my partner now. He is the first person where I felt loved. With Nick, I love his hands. I love his arms. I love his warmth and his eyes. I love his hugs. They feel good. My heart feels very loved and supported by him. With Nick, I want to feel strong. I want to feel connection and trust. I want to feel like we are evolving and evolving together. I know that we are, "Even when it didn't show."  

I want to feel a partnership. I want to exchange glances over our children's' heads. I want to know that we are doing this, and we are doing this together. And we are in this together. I want family. I want sunsets. I want the ocean breeze to warm our cheeks. I want it all. I want the good stuff. 

I want to marry this man because "I know no other way then this." ... "Where I does not exist. Nor you. So close that your hand on my chest is my hand. So close that your eyes close as I fall asleep." My soul has found it's counterpart. I can only pray that he wants the same. I can only pray that we will always be together. I can only pray for us to hug through all of life's trials and tribulations. To hold each other when we need to. To BE together. He is my beloved and I am his. 

Marriage is eternal. It is the promise that I will spend this life with him and the next. 

"If I cared to imagine a heaven, I would imagine a door opening and behind it, I would find him there." 

**quotes- Tristan Prettyman, Say Anything; Pablo Neruda (xvii) I do not love you.. and last quote is from Cloud Atlas 9, spoken by Somni - 451.


To Charlie, thank you for inspiring me.