touch down.

I feel like I was lifted into the middle of a tornado, spun around and spit back out again. My body feels tired and weak. My mind is foggy and my eye lids are heavy. I feel confused and unable to think clearly. The last thing I wrote in my journal was that I was unavailable to have my stuff tossed on the ground and then boom. 💥 Tornado. Explosions. It has been about a year now that God decided to start rocking my boat.

I feel like I am in the life raft, alone and wondering if I will again find the solid ground beneath my feet. I am looking back on photos from the past few years, while I prepare something for my dad's retirement. The past five years has been really freakin hard. I am thankful to be alive and well, but I miss my family. I miss Nick. I miss happy times. I know that my family is here and I see them often, but I feel like I am always fighting a battle. With Nick, I bite my tongue so as not to say the wrong thing. I don't want to trigger a negative response.

I am exhausted. I don't know how to keep going.

Day 30 of 30.

My last day of the 30 day challenge. William and Easton. It has been a lot of processing the last 30 days. I think that most of it was processing a five year old William, trusting this process and just focusing on what is important. I chose this picture for the last day of the challenge. I suppose it is my greatest wish for my children... to know love, friendship and trust during their time here. I was so fortunate to have true guardian angels in my life, Easton's mama being one of them. It is just that gentle force of someone being there, pushing you forward and breaking the limits that we have put around ourselves. To live outside of the box. To be able to meet our fate when it comes before us. To know the whole spectrum of rainbow light. Cheers folks. 🍻

Day 29

Beautiful day yesterday at Ft. Zak!! We swam and played and had a really good time. William is swimming on his own and cannot get enough. But, it does freak me out a little to see his lil face underwater! Lots of mom panic these days. I am struggling, but dealing. PRAYING to find peace and positivity in all this. Him going to school is keeping me up at night. I am dying over here.

Day 29

Day 28 (and counting)

GLENNON DOYLE MELTON:

You are not supposed to be happy all the time. Life hurts and it’s hard. Not because you’re doing it wrong, but because it hurts for everybody. Don’t avoid the pain. You need it. It’s meant for you. Be still with it, let it come, let it go, let it leave you with the fuel you’ll burn to get your work done on this earth.

The Chainsmokers - Paris (Lyric)

Day 27 of 30

I am exhausted today. My poor brain is on overload thinking about a million things. I went and saw William's prospective school today. Montessori. We will know by the end of the month if that is where he will go. Tomorrow is Lucas' birthday. I don't know what to do for it. I feel like we are all just really exhausted and a little overloaded right now! I am praying that something sweet will manifest. 3 more days of my challenge. It has been an interesting 30 days. I am so happy that I have blogged about it all. Thanks for being here. 

Day 27- parents.

Day 26.

Full moon over Key West.