Tis the Season

Hello friends,

Seasons Greetings! I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving. We sure did. We had all the fixings and my brothers girlfriend came from Texas with her mom to meet us all. It was a nice time had by all. I am really happy and hopeful for them. They are a good couple and I would be really happy for my brother to find someone and I think she might be that one. But, we will see! 😉 In other news, I have been working my tail off at Date and Thyme. Trying to bring new ideas and my own fresh energy to the scene! It's going well with a few bumps along the way, but all in all, it's good. A little tiring and shakey, but good. Something new is forming, thats for sure.

Things are pretty much back to normal around here with lots of love and kisses and hugs. I am so grateful, though I am not where I want to be yet (ps. where I want to be is with a veil on and a certain"crowning" ring on my finger, ya dig.) So, ya. Trying to be my patient, little self until that moment because otherwise, I start to go crazy. I know it will happen, even though it feels like it is taking everything I've got to get there. Pain is love, baby. It sure does shake us to our core. Looking back, some days have felt so difficult. Like I wanted to scream and shout and tell this invisible force between Nick and I (or me and life?) to GO AWAY!!! But, as much as I huffed and I puffed, I could not blow it down. So, I am sitting still now. Waiting calmly for the storm to pass. There is a subtle mist left behind, just cold enough to keep me from feeling my love.

Patience, patience, patience. There are so many things that I am learning now. Light speed ahead. 💅

A little Christmas list that I put together for myself. Nick already got me the shoes! I can't wait to see them in person, they are so pretty!

ESFJ and more.

Well, after all these years, my personality type has changed. I went from being INJF to ESFJ (Extraverted Sensing Feeling Judging). I think I was maybe this one all along, but am only now more aware of myself and better able to answer the questions! Here is the link: ESFJ. I want to read more about it later! In other news, I am finishing up such an awesome book, Yoga and the Quest for the True Self.

It's an interesting time and I feel like I am changing. It feels like my mind is doing a garbage dump and like it is updating to a new way, more in line with my truth. I am doing a meditation tonight with Molly and am super excited about it. Just knowing I will see her tonight makes me feel like I can really take on the day.

Work life is not always easy for me and sometimes I have to really confront some uncomfortable feelings. But, I can feel myself expanding and I think my next step in life is going to be focusing on my creative self. There is a book I want to get by one of my favorite authors, Liz Gilbert. The book is called Big Magic and it is all about this subject of creativity and tapping into it! So, I will add this to my Christmas list or just gift it to myself =) Either way,  I feel excited for this next chapter that seems to be opening up before me.

Also, recently read a great message from one of my favorite's Danielle LaPorte about spirituality being like a quilt of all that we have gathered to help us feel connected to the Divine. I love this.

Peace, love and truth ya'll. ✌

"my quilt"

“for everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.

a time to be born and a time to die. a time to plant and a time to harvest. a time to kill and a time to heal. a time to tear down and a time to build up. a time to cry and a time to laugh. a time to grieve and a time to dance. a time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. a time to embrace and a time to turn away. a time to search and a time to quit searching. a time to keep and a time to throw away. a time to tear and a time to mend. a time to be quiet and a time to speak. a time to love and a time to hate. a time for war and a time for peace.

what do people really get for all their hard work? i have seen the burden God has placed on us all. yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end. so i concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can. and people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God.”

[ecclesiastes 3: 1-13]

The lull.

So, life has been so busy lately that I have barely had time to just write about recent happenings! I feel like I have mainly been pouring my somewhat, tattered soul out on here and it really is the BEST therapy. Writing really helps me connect with what is important, I have noticed. So, while I am thinking thoughts and wondering how to find greener pastures, life is just cruisin on by and while I am ALWAYS thinking (working with this through meditation!), I really try to soak up my every day life and its precious, little moments.

William and Lucas are doing great. They have their moments where they are not so nice to each other, but they are the best of friends and the way William speaks to Lucas sometimes (reminding me of myself!), makes me so happy. He will say things "like what are you trying to do?" or "what's wrong  Lucas?" in a soft, sweet, gentle tone. He is getting so big, but I still see my sweet baby in him. Four years has gone by in the blink of an eye. *sigh*. I worry that I don't enjoy it enough or am not present enough.

Lucas is my sweetest little boy. He says the funniest things. Like when he sees a picture of himself and says "my Lootas!". Or the other day when he got mad at William and said "William Joseph!". He likes to put on his super hero armor and say "I am lootas!". They are both so funny and creative and joyful. It is such a juggling act, and I try my best every day.

They love painting, watching their shows, the beach, eating snacks, superheroes, mommy and daddy. They both also love my parents and brother and their house out in Key Haven. My mom has a magical way of always making it feel... magical.

I am trying to be patient with all things left undone and some things, I want yesterday. Like Nick's business to be super successful and for me to find my flow at work. For Nick and I to have "our time" and just come together in a new way. But, I suppose these things take time. This is "the lull" as I like to call it. I don't know what lies ahead for Nick and I. I would love to see us just genuinely happy when the other walks through the door, enjoying each others time more instead of this really lost feeling right now. Like the things we used to talk about don't feel right anymore. I don't know. It's confusing, but I hope that we will get there. I suppose we will know where "there" is once we arrive =) And I can write yay! we made it! But for now, its peace, love and clean up duty.

The storm.

“AND ONCE THE STORM IS OVER, YOU WON’T REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE IT THROUGH, HOW YOU MANAGED TO SURVIVE. YOU WON’T EVEN BE SURE, WHETHER THE STORM IS REALLY OVER. BUT ONE THING IS CERTAIN. WHEN YOU COME OUT OF THE STORM, YOU WON’T BE THE SAME PERSON WHO WALKED IN. THAT’S WHAT THIS STORM’S ALL ABOUT.”― HARUKI MURAKAMI

So, I know I have been talking about the "storm" between Nick and I. This quote seems to sum up all my feelings perfectly. I have been thinking about what went wrong, its probably many small things. But at the beginning of this storm, I found a song that felt so connected and true to my heart. It's called Say Anything by Tristan Prettyman. The song itself is so simple, sweet, and beautiful, but the music video is where I really just felt like "wow... I feel like I am seeing my heart unfold." It's a video that takes place mostly in Costa Rica and just shows snapshots of her life. She is a surfer girl, yogi, vegan. I just love it so much and the song is about saying anything, right or wrong and still loving that person "even when it didn't show." I feel like I have been having a REALLY hard time letting it show over the past six months. This past summer is the most disconnected Nick and I have been through our whole relationship. It was awful. I went to therapy, was prescribed anti-depressants (which I chose not to take), and was just altogether, a hot (literally) mess. 

I try to pinpoint exactly what was going on for me. It was a lot. Dealing with family issues, worrying about money. My focus was not on my relationship and my little family, but more on my parents and brother. Just lots of worry, anxiety and stress. 

This was the storm, which ultimately culminated in the worst hurricane in history. How crazy and this quote from Haruki Murakami could not be more true. I feel like I am walking out of the storm. Reaching more peaceful waters. Last night, watching Nick and William on the paddle board, with the calm ocean all around them and a beautiful sunset... I felt something shift. I felt a connection to my true self and full circle, my song was very present with me today. I watched the music video again today for the first time and felt that same certainty of like... "this. this is who I am." I don't need tons of money, a 9-5 job, a perfect car, new clothes, I just need love. Love, peace and sunsets. ✌

carving pumpkins with the boys on Halloween day