Spring Sprang.

good morning. almost time for a new month AND a new season- summer! Spring time was fun. I am grateful that I got to spend the boys birthdays, Easter, Mother's Day, and my birthday with my family, here in Key West. And I can officially say, I am glad that it's over. It's all so much fun, but just a tad overwhelming. I am glad to ring in summer and lazzyyyyy days playing in the water and eating all the yummy summery foods like watermelon, ice cream and barebecue!

March, April and May were very challenging for me. It has been a particularly difficult year being back here with my family and just trying to get used to it again and the whole healing process... never easy. I can only hope we laid the groundwork for good times and traditions in the future. It has been a rocky road, but I am trying to stay "centered" and connected to the calm inside of me, even while the whole world sometimes feels to be falling apart around me.

Nick and I have had a difficult time lately. It's just been trying. I'm sure it's not easy to be here, always with my family, trying to start his own business and (sometimes) deal with a stressed out me. I am trying though! I am finding my footing more and looking inside for the answers, not so much outside as I have always done in the past, for approval, or whatever.

So, I am really excited for the summer here in Key West. And I can officially say so long to Spring. Thank you Springtime for your season of rebirth!

Onward, we go. ✌

It only gets more painful. But it’s good news.



I thought that the ability to feel more deeply would give me access to solace, that special area reserved for The Feelers.

But as it turns out, I just get more adept at crying and then carrying on.

Cry. Crusade. Repeat.

You know? I know you know. The Feelers. The Connecteds. They always know.

I opened my heart more to let you in, and then I noticed so many people in line behind you, wanting an embrace.
The more love that I brought down through my cells, the more lesions surfaced on my own skin.
The more light I transmitted, the more darkness I saw.

The more I connected, the lonelier I felt.
The more I gave, the more they tried to take.
The more faith I generated, the more I questioned: What the fuck is going on here?

Where I wept only for myself, now I weep for all of us and the Earth herself. Often.

And not everyone weeps. And this is part of the problem.

No weeping, no cleansing. No cleansing, no clarity. No clarity, no solutions. No solutions, no union. No union, no pleasure.


So I’m going to keep crying about the state of things.
Because that same pain is where I find the most power and inexplicable, unrelenting joy…
This is my love affair with the Light and the darkness that she contends with.
I am so in Love.
It makes me cry every kind of tear.

Author: Danielle LaPorte

She speaks right to my heart!

My 31st year.

Good morning from this 31 year old! Yesterday was my birthday. It was a great day, overall and I got to do all of my favorite things. I, also, love reflecting back on all my birthday memories. I have a lot of great memories from this day! It was mine and Nick's first kiss =) So, it is special in so many ways. I decided to pretend like I was opening a door with all magic inside for me! Like my own personal magic trunk and all these sparkly things came out in the form of moments. I am trying to tune more into these moments, which are really there every day. I suppose that is my goal of the year, tune into the moment more and my mind less. GOAL. It has been a goal for some time, but it takes a lot of practice. It has been about ten years that I have been studying how to do this. Who knew it was so hard? Maybe, its just me. Either way, goals are good and this is mine. I suppose this voice in my mind is what they call, "the ego." I wish that something that is inside of me was on my side and not always against me. Why can't we be friends? (cue the song). =)

Anyways, my birthday was spent with my family who showered me with love for two whole days. It was so sweet and I loved being with them. Getting to sit and chat with my mom, spending time at the pool with dad and trying to heal our relationship. One day at a time. I think we are making progress. It takes time. I only want my dad to be proud of me. I know that he is. It is more me accepting and loving myself and then the world around me will accept and love me to. It all starts with self love.

I really found this birthday to be very anxiety provoking for me. I could feel a lot of bad memories coming up and my desire to not repeat the same mistakes in my new year. I felt nervous that I will not learn from my mistakes and sometimes, I do worry about my mental state =/ It will all be okay. It will be a year full of learning and hopefully, a little more grace through this process. I want to be the best I can be for my children. I dedicate my life to this! They love and care for me so much. It is the best feeling in the world and I only want to be deserved of that love and give to them as much as they give to me. So, balance would be nice to. A balance of giving and receiving, between me and the boys, and also, me and Nick. It will be nice to feel balance.

So, I hope this year to aid me into "womanhood", where what is expected of me is be accomplished by me. I live for my family, and wish more then anything to bring them nothing but joy! Well, thanks for listening and here's to a new year! 🙏

Will post pics later! Gotta get ready for a massage =)

Devotion to Truth seeking goes something like this:

You’re going to risk being disliked (actually, it’s not a risk, it’s inevitable). At some point you will be very misunderstood—and you won’t know how much that stings until it happens.

You’re going to take a hit for the team. Because you’re not learning lessons just for your own good. Healing for one is healing for many.

You will burn the plans that you thought were the answer to your pro-found longing. You will pray, on your knees, with the flavour of begging in your throat. You will have to ask for help—the vulnerable kind of asking when you’re terrified that the answer could be No.

You will humbly make amends. You will let people go. You will build walls (because every kingdom has walls). There’s a good chance that you’ll be profoundly lonely. By necessity, you will become your own Lover. You will feel it all—all in one day.

You’ll have to get up really early after staying up way too late. You’ll learn to bend time, and subsist on your own confidence. You’ll put in your own money. You’re going to do the hard work that integrity calls for, like a grown-up.

You will pass through the eye of a needle, stripped, shed, pared down to the pure pith of your power. The few people who have seen you so naked will never speak of that beauty to anyone else.

You will transmute heart-ripping pain into evolutionary leaps. You will find comfort in the rhythm created by commitment, and you will come to adore the discipline of freely giving and receiving. You will become a testament to the force of tenderness.

You will say Thank You—for all of it.

And then you and that devotion of yours will keep on going.

"Maybe it's time for the fighter to be fought for for the holder to be held and for the lover to be loved."

"This birthday trip has definitely been a more reflective and relaxing one than most. After 28 years on this planet, I still don't understand some of the crazy things that happen, but I truly hope they're ultimately for the greater good. My life has by no means been perfect, but I know it's the one I was meant to live. I can only hope I leave our planet better than I found it — other lives, the environment, all of it — and I promise I'm going to live this next year of life to the absolute fullest. Even if that means being a little less selfish, but never less sassy." 

A cute post from my friend about her birthday this year! Pretty much sums it up. =)

31st year = Self Love

Today is 4 days until my 31st Birthday. I decided to share this photo collage of my favorite place on Earth, can't tell you exactly where because it's a secret!! =) It's a place that belongs to only us. I love it so much.

I have so many mixed feelings about my birthday this year, while I am excited (as always) for a birthday, I have also had feelings of just not wanting to celebrate. I have had a particularly trying year where I have really had to face myself and not only accept myself (and all of my flaws), but also love myself through all of it. It is SO DIFFICULT! I have many feelings towards getting older (like, I don't want to!!), but also, I still feel young enough to be excited to grow.

Each passing day brings new and exciting things for us and while some days I question everything... like what am I doing? What am I supposed to be doing?, I can feel myself paying more attention to the every day things and really just trying to enjoy myself and focus more on who I am and less on who I should be. I know this change is happening in my life and I truly hope for my 31st year that I can just really be myself, honor myself and offer myself lots and lots of love for the amazing person that I am.

Talk soon. <3

Thanks be to God.

Whew! Well, I feel like I am through a rather long and drawn out funk that I was in, which lasted pretty much the whole month of April =( why? I don't know. I feel like I was really disconnected from myself and just really searching and searching for something that was not there and I got away from the true joy that is just every day life. I got to spend the day on the boat for Mother's Day and it was so helpful to just clear my head and just enjoy myself, effortlessly. I think that the ocean is my true peace on Earth. It makes me feel better every time. I don't know what it is because I have seen it all my life, but still.. the smell, the feeling of salt on my skin, the deep blue and the movement of the water. the way the light reflects... it will bring me out of my deepest funk. Nick said yesterday, "I think I could spend the rest of my life here." I really do agree. (can we do that? just pitch a tent and build a fire, swim in the sea and catch fish all day long?).

I love my children and my partner, so much. I give thanks every day and really and truly feel that gratitude, but every day routines seem to really get me down! Work, home, dinner... I hate to say it, but I just can't! I need some adventure sprinkled in there. Anyways, maybe I could if I got to go boating every weekend? =) Boating and traveling, my two faves. I am so thankful they have gotten to be a part of my life.

And, today is Monday so it will be a week full of routines, but the good/great news is that next Monday is my birthday and I hope for it to be a time of sweetness simplicities. This is the intention that I set for my 31st year, appreciate the sweet, simple things TO THE FULLEST! And connect more with Mother Ocean.

Well, here are a few pics of the sweet things around here!

going to upgrade the swimming pool this summer =)

imagination

Mothers Day flowers from Mimi

cat boy. 

MOTHERS DAY BOAT DAY

thankful for a great day with my mama

and my man

and these sweet babies.

us.

with my mama on mothers day 2017. thank the Lord.

dad too =) and bo.

dinner time

sun setting

May the 5th

Hello,

Good morning. We are successfully wrapping up two birthdays and Easter Sunday, today. April was a month long celebration with visits from Mimi and the Easter Bunny =) And we got to doggy sit for Nina (aka Na). It was a super fun month and I officially love Aprils. It was jam packed with lots of food, fun and festivities and we are now getting back to our routines (or what we have of them around here! I try, what can I say.)

April was full of ups and downs, a down being a case of mastitis in my breast from nursing, ow ow ouch. =( But onward we go, and... yep. It hasn't been the easiest year for us but I am learning to trust more and worry less. I am trying to stay present and remember to breathe and then hopefully, each moment won't seem like its flying by me. That seems to be my major hang up lately, time and how fast it is passing me by. But, to change perspective on it... Time is huge and I have a lot of good memories to be made and hopefully not miss many more due to swollen boobs and things like that. Sigh. I am trying to keep my focus on being as happy and healthy as I possibly can be and that just involves healthy eating, meditation, good routines and plenty of rest. I have always battled wearing myself down in the past, but hoping to find better coping mechanisms these days. I appreciate my job for this reason and the insight and supportive environment for my own healing journey. Unfortunately, it has been a rather stressful time since William was born and although super happy and delightful, stressful. Like I said, coping mechanisms are key for me. I will get there, where ever there is, but I hope its filled with less questions and more calm, peaceful moments experiencing what is in front of me and less of what is in my mind. So yeaaa, all that and then some but one day at a time.

I am happy and thankful that my babies had their birthdays and I am now the mom of a two and a four year old. Go us! I look forward to my birthday in just a few short weeks, and our summer here in Key West. It will be hot, but warm weather means warm water= swimming, beach and sunshine. I have Sunday's off now, so I hope this will be full of good things. I am going to try to bring my camera more because I love it!

So, here's to the next chapter BanPan fam! 2, 4, and (almost) 31. 31. I like it. Talk soon.

LUCAS 2ND BIRTHDAY

sad I missed this day but love this photo

EASTER SUNDAY 2017

dad gave mom an easter gift.. a yoga frog lol so cute

william and carson easter sunday 2017

yoga frog!

"And God said, let there be light: and there was light" Genesis 1:3

Williams 4th Birthday