release

I wrote today for the first time in a while about my thoughts and feelings and it opened the flood gates. I have had this nagging feeling all day of wanting to do something and I know it was to write more.  Writing is like the key that unlocks my truest self. The hurt, the pain, the fear, joy, blessings and beauty.

Writing helps keep it real. It says this is what happened and this is how I feel about it.

My life, at the moment, seems to contain new and interesting events every. single. day. Every day I fight harder to love. Some days, I wish I didn't have to fight so hard to be here, in the moment. But, when I come to the moment, I recognize how amazing, sweet, and fleeting it is and I go somewhere else. To an unpleasant memory mostly. To distract myself. sounds crazy huh.

Fear and anxiety mostly rule my mind. I have been able to intervene with positive things, small changes to help, but I often feel that I am missing out on the best parts of my life by holding on to the past. I need to let go. I need to trust my partner. It scares the crap out of me. There is so much fear.

I think I have also been craving my meditation time. I didn't get to meditate today and my mind was craving that gap. That time of just sitting and letting the mind r-e-l-a-x. I am happy to say this. It shows change and it shows that I am TRYING.

We will see what tomorrow brings.

ps. william likes school and just had a test on his shapes. I miss him so much while he is gone and my heart longs for the moments when I get to see them again.

Nick is doing well. We are excited for the new season!

Me? I am okay. I am happy to welcome Fall and maybe some more rest and flow. Summer was an up leveling. I hope this season will be like the trees. Shaking off their old leaves to make room for the new.

Letting go.

Good morning ban pan.

Fall is here! There is a beautiful breeze outside and Halloween sightings around town. I could not be happier to welcome a new time of year.

With the new season upon us, I am sad to say that I am having trouble letting go of the last one. Much of the hurt that I have endured is still with me and I, often, wake up with a sad, confused heart. I don't  know why these things have happened. I can only imagine that it is only to bring me closer to myself and I definitely see my strength rising to the surface. I know I am much more aware of myself and the boundaries I need to maintain to live an authentic life.

Date and Thyme has had a visitor over the past 3 weeks named Rebecca. She is from Australia and she is staying with Charlie while she heals from the ending of her marriage. She, like me, has two children, both boys. And she talks to me from the other side of where I am now. I wonder often "Is this how my life will end up?". Nick and I have been through a lot that has left my mind in a place of deep uncertainty about him and us. When I talk to Rebecca and I say things like "I just don't know." She responds with... "yes, you do."

I believe that I know that I love Nick very much. I believe in us and that we can endure the hardships of life and partnership. A part of me wants to run the other way from this and not risk it. Not risk what could be the other side of this... divorce, wasted time... but the other part says... "take the risk."

Fall. Surrender. Let go. Make space for the new.

Peace and love banpan.