almost summer

We are about to wrap up William's first year of school. I like this feeling, a feeling of completion and accomplishment. Some days were not easy. But, we learned and grew and made it to the end with a smile. Montessori is slowly becoming part of our family. We are becoming a part of the school more and more every day and I am excited for the opportunity to get Lucas accustomed to the school that he will attend in a little over a year. This year has brought us together in a lot of ways, even when I thought it would tear us apart. Nick and I are on stable ground and I am finding my way back into his arms.

I don't know what this summer will hold. I feel that change is on the horizon, in some way or another. I hope the warm coming months will bring us closer together as a family. I hope the storm is behind us. I hope our future is prosperous. I hope we enjoy our lives together as they come together more and more every day.

So, here's to the (almost) completion of kindergarten. Here's to sleeping in. To salty days and relaxing nights. Here's to peace. Here's to love and to the next chapter of our lives.

Our journey is just beginning.

mothers day and puppy time.

Hello hello!

Greetings 8 days out from 33! I am excited for my birthday this year and actually, feel like it's going to be a great year for us. My goals are to focus on my family and continue to learn and grow, and to know and love myself more. I realize that until this time, I have played it small, and not trusted myself. I have trusted outside voices more then my own and really worried so much about people's opinions of me. I am realizing more and more that I am in charge of my own life and that the opinions of others do not have to play such a large role in my life.

I want to learn to trust my own inner voice more. To trust love and Nick. To deepen my faith in God and to find a resting place in the unconditional love of God. It sounds deep, but I think it is perfectly simple. Rest.

Here are some pictures of Olley's first day with us.

trust list & puppy update

I recently watched a little podcast from Danielle LaPorte about creating a trust list. So, here is mine.

I trust:

• Nick to protect me and our family
• nature
• hugs
• friends
• my words
• the Gap (ha)
• Amanda Frances
• Vicky Shaw
• Gabby Bernstein & Danielle LaPorte
• prayer
• God
• deep breaths
• my body
• my mind (the knowledge part)
• my little Olly
• butterflies that represent transformation
• the Earth
• the sun and the moon to rise
• when I am in Beth's calm
• being on the ocean
• the mountains 
• the air I breathe
• that I will always seek and find joy in my life. Danielle describes this as joy through sadness, to return to joy again.
• that Nick will enrich my life.

We got a new puppy yesterday. My vote for name is Olly, short for Almund, meaning protector of the temple. He is full of so much sweetness that I hardly know what to do with myself or him. He is the littlest puppy and romps around the yard for about 30 minutes and then, comes in to snooze in the cool air conditioning. He is so good for us. At first, when Jax passed away, I said that I did not want another dog anytime soon, but this little guy is a burst of sunlight in our day. This morning we all woke up happy and excited that this little guy is now a part of our life. I want like five of him running around so I can just watch puppies enjoy the same things as I do, sunshine, adventures, and people, to name a few, so far. Oh yes, and napping in the AC! 

I can't wait to see what the future brings us Olly.  I hope it's beach days and mountain runs and just sucking the sweet nectar out of this experience called life. Thanks for picking us, Olly! 

May day!

Hello,

I had a previous post on here, discussing the difficult time I was having, However, I deleted it and haven't looked back since. The past two weeks have been full of change. We lost our Jaxy. It was very unfortunate circumstances, that I am still questioning every moment of every day. I don't know how I will ever move forward or forgive myself. The wisdom in me tells me it will be okay, but my heart misses him.

I know that this is all propelling me into something new and different. However, I wish it could have been different. But, that is a battle that I cannot win. I trust in forces unseen and know that God is always working in my favor.

And in the midst of it all, life keeps going. There is no time for self-loathing because you have birthdays and parties and school snacks and little boys who are all- forgiving and loving and patient and kind. Even when I want to hate myself, I can't because there is a little boy who looks at me with such love in his eyes and often, I realize this is me. This is the mirror. There I am as a child. So, I try to offer as much love and listening and presence as I can hold and some days, I know I have work to do. My attention can last completely for a short amount of time.

I am working to change this. I am working every moment of every day to change this through prayer, meditation, exercise, exchanges, lists, and today, writing. I always know it is time to write when the words start to feel like they are bubbling up inside of me. This post took me about 3 days to write. I started with the first two paragraphs, when it got too painful, I had to step away. I had to let the rain fall and the sun to come out again. Writing is the only way I can truly connect with my true SELF. My mind will be telling me a million crazy things all throughout the day, but the words that come out when I write are the truth, my truth.

And so it is. We move on to this next chapter of our life without Jaxy. My Jaxy bear. My sweet, sweet dog who offered me comfort and companionship for the most difficult days I have encountered thus far. The days when I felt like I had no one, that dog was by my side. On constant watch. On constant guard of me and my family. His loss will never leave my life. There will never be another one like him. He was young and beautiful, soft and lean. He was cautious, yet assertive. The perfect dog.

I will not let him go in vain. I will constantly seek to improve my mind so that I can tune more into what is happening in my life at any given time. I will seek to trust the will of God and his plan for me. I will constantly strive for perfection, the perfection that God has for me. I will seek to balance mind and body, to have more strength to do the things I want to do. To be fully present for my life.

Peace.

Rest in Peace Jaxon Soto. 7/4/11-4/28/19.

"I carry your heart. I carry it in my heart. I am never without it."-e.e. cummings