May day!

Hello,

I had a previous post on here, discussing the difficult time I was having, However, I deleted it and haven't looked back since. The past two weeks have been full of change. We lost our Jaxy. It was very unfortunate circumstances, that I am still questioning every moment of every day. I don't know how I will ever move forward or forgive myself. The wisdom in me tells me it will be okay, but my heart misses him.

I know that this is all propelling me into something new and different. However, I wish it could have been different. But, that is a battle that I cannot win. I trust in forces unseen and know that God is always working in my favor.

And in the midst of it all, life keeps going. There is no time for self-loathing because you have birthdays and parties and school snacks and little boys who are all- forgiving and loving and patient and kind. Even when I want to hate myself, I can't because there is a little boy who looks at me with such love in his eyes and often, I realize this is me. This is the mirror. There I am as a child. So, I try to offer as much love and listening and presence as I can hold and some days, I know I have work to do. My attention can last completely for a short amount of time.

I am working to change this. I am working every moment of every day to change this through prayer, meditation, exercise, exchanges, lists, and today, writing. I always know it is time to write when the words start to feel like they are bubbling up inside of me. This post took me about 3 days to write. I started with the first two paragraphs, when it got too painful, I had to step away. I had to let the rain fall and the sun to come out again. Writing is the only way I can truly connect with my true SELF. My mind will be telling me a million crazy things all throughout the day, but the words that come out when I write are the truth, my truth.

And so it is. We move on to this next chapter of our life without Jaxy. My Jaxy bear. My sweet, sweet dog who offered me comfort and companionship for the most difficult days I have encountered thus far. The days when I felt like I had no one, that dog was by my side. On constant watch. On constant guard of me and my family. His loss will never leave my life. There will never be another one like him. He was young and beautiful, soft and lean. He was cautious, yet assertive. The perfect dog.

I will not let him go in vain. I will constantly seek to improve my mind so that I can tune more into what is happening in my life at any given time. I will seek to trust the will of God and his plan for me. I will constantly strive for perfection, the perfection that God has for me. I will seek to balance mind and body, to have more strength to do the things I want to do. To be fully present for my life.

Peace.

Rest in Peace Jaxon Soto. 7/4/11-4/28/19.

"I carry your heart. I carry it in my heart. I am never without it."-e.e. cummings