The storm.

“AND ONCE THE STORM IS OVER, YOU WON’T REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE IT THROUGH, HOW YOU MANAGED TO SURVIVE. YOU WON’T EVEN BE SURE, WHETHER THE STORM IS REALLY OVER. BUT ONE THING IS CERTAIN. WHEN YOU COME OUT OF THE STORM, YOU WON’T BE THE SAME PERSON WHO WALKED IN. THAT’S WHAT THIS STORM’S ALL ABOUT.”― HARUKI MURAKAMI

So, I know I have been talking about the "storm" between Nick and I. This quote seems to sum up all my feelings perfectly. I have been thinking about what went wrong, its probably many small things. But at the beginning of this storm, I found a song that felt so connected and true to my heart. It's called Say Anything by Tristan Prettyman. The song itself is so simple, sweet, and beautiful, but the music video is where I really just felt like "wow... I feel like I am seeing my heart unfold." It's a video that takes place mostly in Costa Rica and just shows snapshots of her life. She is a surfer girl, yogi, vegan. I just love it so much and the song is about saying anything, right or wrong and still loving that person "even when it didn't show." I feel like I have been having a REALLY hard time letting it show over the past six months. This past summer is the most disconnected Nick and I have been through our whole relationship. It was awful. I went to therapy, was prescribed anti-depressants (which I chose not to take), and was just altogether, a hot (literally) mess. 

I try to pinpoint exactly what was going on for me. It was a lot. Dealing with family issues, worrying about money. My focus was not on my relationship and my little family, but more on my parents and brother. Just lots of worry, anxiety and stress. 

This was the storm, which ultimately culminated in the worst hurricane in history. How crazy and this quote from Haruki Murakami could not be more true. I feel like I am walking out of the storm. Reaching more peaceful waters. Last night, watching Nick and William on the paddle board, with the calm ocean all around them and a beautiful sunset... I felt something shift. I felt a connection to my true self and full circle, my song was very present with me today. I watched the music video again today for the first time and felt that same certainty of like... "this. this is who I am." I don't need tons of money, a 9-5 job, a perfect car, new clothes, I just need love. Love, peace and sunsets. ✌

carving pumpkins with the boys on Halloween day