May the 5th

Hello,

Good morning. We are successfully wrapping up two birthdays and Easter Sunday, today. April was a month long celebration with visits from Mimi and the Easter Bunny =) And we got to doggy sit for Nina (aka Na). It was a super fun month and I officially love Aprils. It was jam packed with lots of food, fun and festivities and we are now getting back to our routines (or what we have of them around here! I try, what can I say.)

April was full of ups and downs, a down being a case of mastitis in my breast from nursing, ow ow ouch. =( But onward we go, and... yep. It hasn't been the easiest year for us but I am learning to trust more and worry less. I am trying to stay present and remember to breathe and then hopefully, each moment won't seem like its flying by me. That seems to be my major hang up lately, time and how fast it is passing me by. But, to change perspective on it... Time is huge and I have a lot of good memories to be made and hopefully not miss many more due to swollen boobs and things like that. Sigh. I am trying to keep my focus on being as happy and healthy as I possibly can be and that just involves healthy eating, meditation, good routines and plenty of rest. I have always battled wearing myself down in the past, but hoping to find better coping mechanisms these days. I appreciate my job for this reason and the insight and supportive environment for my own healing journey. Unfortunately, it has been a rather stressful time since William was born and although super happy and delightful, stressful. Like I said, coping mechanisms are key for me. I will get there, where ever there is, but I hope its filled with less questions and more calm, peaceful moments experiencing what is in front of me and less of what is in my mind. So yeaaa, all that and then some but one day at a time.

I am happy and thankful that my babies had their birthdays and I am now the mom of a two and a four year old. Go us! I look forward to my birthday in just a few short weeks, and our summer here in Key West. It will be hot, but warm weather means warm water= swimming, beach and sunshine. I have Sunday's off now, so I hope this will be full of good things. I am going to try to bring my camera more because I love it!

So, here's to the next chapter BanPan fam! 2, 4, and (almost) 31. 31. I like it. Talk soon.

LUCAS 2ND BIRTHDAY

sad I missed this day but love this photo

EASTER SUNDAY 2017

dad gave mom an easter gift.. a yoga frog lol so cute

william and carson easter sunday 2017

yoga frog!

"And God said, let there be light: and there was light" Genesis 1:3

Williams 4th Birthday

tired!

I have had a few years worth now of non-sleeping through the night. First, it started with the babies, waking up for midnight feedings and now has evolved into waking up and just being unable to fall back asleep! I think about everything from A-Z! Taxes, money, birthday party, dishes, failure, work, time, school... the list is endless and I always wake up the next morning like ahhhhh. why! It is such an uncertain time for us and I feel so anxious most of the time, I could just bang my head into a wall. I try to keep it all contained and not turn into a crazy person, but some days... sheesh, it's hard. I am trying to just take it all in stride and savor every moment for what it is but other days I'm just unable to get myself out of this space. Today, I feel like crying. Tomorrow is Lucas's birthday and he will turn two. I am so happy and excited for a birthday, but also just wishing time would slow down for like 5 minutes. Right now, I feel like I am in a space where I am being pulled in 5 different directions. I have my job and it is good, but it's sometimes difficult to feel like I fit. I am the only one with kids and a man and I feel like I'm always making excuses to just go home when I get off work instead of this, that or the other. 

I feel like it's difficult to be in society at this point in my life. I'm a mom, I love my kids. It's been a rough (amazing) couple of years. I feel like a crazy, alien person most days. I have no idea what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. I don't know when William will start school. I don't know if I will ever be able to afford the $35 dress without worrying about my electric bill. I don't know if Nick's jewelry business will take off or if any of this life thing is going to work out the way I dreamed with family vacations and a big house. 

Sometimes, it all feels sooo heavy! Especially at 3 am. BUT, I still wake up with a smile when I see my babies and I still laugh as much as I can. And I am so grateful for my life and the people who love me and that it is peaceful. Because, when I can get out of my own head and look at my life, it is really great. I am super blessed to have a good family and live near the ocean and Nick, the love of my life and he is so wonderful. I am so so lucky. So, with that being said, tomorrow we welcome a new chapter... My baby turns TWO.