tired!

I have had a few years worth now of non-sleeping through the night. First, it started with the babies, waking up for midnight feedings and now has evolved into waking up and just being unable to fall back asleep! I think about everything from A-Z! Taxes, money, birthday party, dishes, failure, work, time, school... the list is endless and I always wake up the next morning like ahhhhh. why! It is such an uncertain time for us and I feel so anxious most of the time, I could just bang my head into a wall. I try to keep it all contained and not turn into a crazy person, but some days... sheesh, it's hard. I am trying to just take it all in stride and savor every moment for what it is but other days I'm just unable to get myself out of this space. Today, I feel like crying. Tomorrow is Lucas's birthday and he will turn two. I am so happy and excited for a birthday, but also just wishing time would slow down for like 5 minutes. Right now, I feel like I am in a space where I am being pulled in 5 different directions. I have my job and it is good, but it's sometimes difficult to feel like I fit. I am the only one with kids and a man and I feel like I'm always making excuses to just go home when I get off work instead of this, that or the other. 

I feel like it's difficult to be in society at this point in my life. I'm a mom, I love my kids. It's been a rough (amazing) couple of years. I feel like a crazy, alien person most days. I have no idea what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. I don't know when William will start school. I don't know if I will ever be able to afford the $35 dress without worrying about my electric bill. I don't know if Nick's jewelry business will take off or if any of this life thing is going to work out the way I dreamed with family vacations and a big house. 

Sometimes, it all feels sooo heavy! Especially at 3 am. BUT, I still wake up with a smile when I see my babies and I still laugh as much as I can. And I am so grateful for my life and the people who love me and that it is peaceful. Because, when I can get out of my own head and look at my life, it is really great. I am super blessed to have a good family and live near the ocean and Nick, the love of my life and he is so wonderful. I am so so lucky. So, with that being said, tomorrow we welcome a new chapter... My baby turns TWO.