please remember

May you listen to the voice within the beat even when you are tired. When you feel yourself breaking down, may you break open instead. May every experience in life be a door that opens your heart, expands your understanding, and leads you to freedom. If you are weary, may you be aroused by passion and purpose. If you are blameful and bitter, may you be sweetened by hope and humour. If you are frightened, may you be emboldened by a big consciousness far wiser than your fear. If you are lonely, may you find love, may you find friendship. If you are lost, may you understand that we are all lost, and still we are guided—by strange angels and sleeping giants, by our better and kinder natures, by the vibrant voice within the beat. May you follow that voice, for this is the way—the hero’s journey, the life worth living, the reason we are here. - Elizabeth Lesser

change, change, changeeeee.

Everything is always changing and evolving. My parents retired this past month and we had a surprise retirement party for my dad. It was a nice evening and I think my dad had a good time. It was really nice to see some of the ol timers, and my Uncle Phil even came down to be a part of the surprise. There were so many sweet memories and I'm pretty sure, I am still holding back tears. I even made a speech, which may have been one of my first public speaking experiences of my adult life! For the win!

We found out at the beginning of the month that William got into Montessori school and will start kindergarten in August. I am nervous and excited, as I am sure he is, as well. I go back and forth between "yay! I can't wait." to "nope, we aren't doing this. homeschool, all the way." But, in my heart, I believe that he is going to have a wonderful experience. I will miss him so much and having him by my side every day. But, it's time to change. It's time to evolve into a little school family and do #allthethings. I, sometimes, feel like the best part of my life is over... having these sweet moments with my newborn babies. =( But, I hope that many good times are ahead. I am so thankful that I had such an amazing childhood and that my parents were so amazing, because it has really shown me that all the things are possible. I can't wait for our first summer vacation and our first school Halloween party and all the friends and amazing teachers that will grace our path.

other than that, just business as usual! I started doing some "side work" of watching a baby and also, picked up a house cleaning gig for a few hours on Saturdays. Every little bit helps to get us through the slower months around town when the markets stop! But, still calling in all the cash for Nick's biz! One day at a time.

boy club

surprise!!

touch down.

I feel like I was lifted into the middle of a tornado, spun around and spit back out again. My body feels tired and weak. My mind is foggy and my eye lids are heavy. I feel confused and unable to think clearly. The last thing I wrote in my journal was that I was unavailable to have my stuff tossed on the ground and then boom. 💥 Tornado. Explosions. It has been about a year now that God decided to start rocking my boat.

I feel like I am in the life raft, alone and wondering if I will again find the solid ground beneath my feet. I am looking back on photos from the past few years, while I prepare something for my dad's retirement. The past five years has been really freakin hard. I am thankful to be alive and well, but I miss my family. I miss Nick. I miss happy times. I know that my family is here and I see them often, but I feel like I am always fighting a battle. With Nick, I bite my tongue so as not to say the wrong thing. I don't want to trigger a negative response.

I am exhausted. I don't know how to keep going.

Day 30 of 30.

My last day of the 30 day challenge. William and Easton. It has been a lot of processing the last 30 days. I think that most of it was processing a five year old William, trusting this process and just focusing on what is important. I chose this picture for the last day of the challenge. I suppose it is my greatest wish for my children... to know love, friendship and trust during their time here. I was so fortunate to have true guardian angels in my life, Easton's mama being one of them. It is just that gentle force of someone being there, pushing you forward and breaking the limits that we have put around ourselves. To live outside of the box. To be able to meet our fate when it comes before us. To know the whole spectrum of rainbow light. Cheers folks. 🍻

Day 29

Beautiful day yesterday at Ft. Zak!! We swam and played and had a really good time. William is swimming on his own and cannot get enough. But, it does freak me out a little to see his lil face underwater! Lots of mom panic these days. I am struggling, but dealing. PRAYING to find peace and positivity in all this. Him going to school is keeping me up at night. I am dying over here.

Day 29

Day 28 (and counting)

GLENNON DOYLE MELTON:

You are not supposed to be happy all the time. Life hurts and it’s hard. Not because you’re doing it wrong, but because it hurts for everybody. Don’t avoid the pain. You need it. It’s meant for you. Be still with it, let it come, let it go, let it leave you with the fuel you’ll burn to get your work done on this earth.

The Chainsmokers - Paris (Lyric)