It's been a hard day's night.

Why if it's not one thing, it's another? I have decided to make this blog a place to vent. So, it may not always be pretty and positive, but it will be real and it will be mine. I feel like I have been to war in the past couple of months. I have been literally fighting a battle that culminated last week with physical illness. I was so sick, I couldn't keep anything in my stomach and felt drained and exhausted for about 4 days after. Life is so exhausting lately. I try to stay positive and to push on through to the light at the end of the tunnel. I see it. I know it's there.

The past 19 months have been the most trying of my life, the happiest but the most trying. The week William was born, a friend did a reading on both Nick and I. My reading revealed to trust myself and my instincts. I didn't realize at the time how often I would have to refer back to this advice. Over and over, "trust yourself, Feryn. Be still and trust yourself." I have had to come back to these words every time someone told me to stop breastfeeding when I didn't think my son was ready, every time someone told me I should put my son in day care and go back to work. People have A LOT of advice when it comes to raising children. I had heard this before giving birth but had NO IDEA! It has been very difficult to accomplish these two hugely important factors in raising my child, to let him self-wean and to stay at home with him but I have felt so strongly on both. I have to give myself credit for my newfound ability to smile and nod. Truthfully, it has not been easy but there is something in me like a shield that keeps blocking the bullshit, the stuff that does not matter. We have financial problems? We will get through it. William accidentally bit me and my nipple is killing me? Nurse through the pain.

I know one day, I will be able to better contribute to my family financially and one day, we will not have to pinch pennies to eat every month, but I will never get the time back with  my son. And you see, time is more important than money. We have been very fortunate to have help from family. Without which, I don't know what we would have done. I feel that I am doing the right thing by staying home with William and getting to teach him little things that I would not be able to if we were rushing him off to day care in the mornings. We have had truly precious moments as a family during this time, trying but precious and all have brought us closer together. I truly believe there is a bigger picture, one that we may not understand yet, but one where all of it is worth it.

I love you.