healing

hello friends.

I have some extra time before going to bed, so I figured I would write a bit to clear my head. We have been in Boston for almost a month now. We are getting along fine and having success with many things, such as staying warm, toasty, happy and healthy! We have had many firsts in our time here already. William saw his first snow fall, had his first haircut, visited his first children's museum and ate his first REAL snow cone. He is saying a lot of new words these days... snow, boots, Nina, Mimi and Freddie are some of his faves and he goes through the whole list every morning when waking up. He has quite an appetite and is eating A LOT. This little boy loves Italian food and is definitely in the right home for it. We eat quite well and are never short of delicious food and treats. Our main project has been to get us settled and well organized. I really appreciate Nick's mom's help with all of this because often times, this task seemed almost overwhelming after our big move and baby #2 on the way. It definitely helps to bring in fresh perspective and ideas. I feel like my mind is so scattered sometimes, so to have someone who has organization and quick decision making as their strength is really wonderful.

Speaking of a scattered mind, this makes me a little sad to admit about myself. I feel that I have SO much on my mind that it's difficult to sort through. I am still thinking a lot of my family and trying to understand it all. I am trying to filter through so many conversations and take with me what I need and be done with the rest. It is hard when you feel like you no longer trust someone who you once trusted to lead you and guide you in life. It's a lot to deal with. I wish that I could just let it go and start fresh here in this new place with my loving little family. But, sometimes I hear my dads voice, plain as day in my head. It's a voice that always seemed to steer me and guide me, and now, it makes me angry, confused, and sad.

It's especially difficult for me because I once had such a great relationship with my family. They are the foundation from which I was built upon and to question them makes me question myself. I really love who I am and I know that a great deal of that is thanks to my parents, my father and mother for making me feel so loved and cared for.

After writing this, I realize perhaps it is all just part the healing process. To even be able to get in touch with gratitude towards my father is a huge step for me. I was unable to see past my anger for a long time, years, even though I did try. I do feel that being here, in Boston, in the winter, with only little signs of life here and there, is healing me somehow. Just like the little birds that come to visit our windowsill,  these little sparks of life are visiting me. And just like the bright. red cardinal sits, watches and waits patiently, so is the fire inside of me, waiting to ignite again. Good night friends.

Williams first haircut @ 20 months