trust.

 Hello hello!

I am writing first thing in the morning, behind tired, sad, weary eyes. While in my heart, I am always thankful for all that I have. My children, that they are healthy and happy, my home, a roof over my head, a loving partner, that I still have my parents and my family. However, I am going through something right now that I can't quite put my finger on. Deep, inner pain. Feelings that are so dark and scary, I can't fully feel them. It's like waves crashing over my own head. Feelings of loss, and feeling like I truly, will never be good enough. I will never be worthy of love, or friendship. That I am making all the wrong choices. That I am not a good enough mother. I have been saying prayers in my head, over and over again to get through the last few days. I had a difficult night over this past weekend and had to survive an even more difficult day- after. Just being so deep in the trenches of unworthiness. Trying to find that voice, deep inside that still says "no, I am good enough." But you know what is there? A silence. A peace that is hearing all of this, all of these voices and just watching. An inner stillness. It is the seat of awareness that is watching all of this play out. And let's hope that it does. Play itself out, I mean. I struggle with this inner work because at the same time, I wonder "am I being present enough with my outer world?", "do people know I care?'. I spend so much time "in meditation", that am I witnessing all of my gifts?

I guess it all comes down to trust. Trust, ultimately, in my Heavenly Father. And that I truly am his child, being looked after and cared for. It always brings me home. I long to connect deeper and deeper and deeper. My journey of faith has been truly unique. Things that I never thought would be a part of it, have been. And my job is to keep coming home. 

On top of all this, I must discern every day. Right and wrong. True or false. However, something comes to mind while typing this. The words of my friend, Charlotte, what if there is no right or wrong? That is a very powerful idea. But, it is things like this, that I can lean upon when I am in the dark of the night. No right or wrong. I feel entrusted to be on my own right now. Leaving Date & Thyme has been like ripping off a band-aid all over again. The voices who were constantly loving me are no longer accessible in the ways that they once were. So, it is just me. Me and my thoughts a lot of the time. I don't know if this is good or bad? But, either way, I have been blessed with a new baby to look after, so that is what I do. In the  meantime, I try to stay attentive and loving and present. 

It is a heavy toll on the mind. To feel such responsibility. I enter into this week, with that as an intention... to calm the mind. To live in the heavy peace of the now. And with the question of how? How do I find that quiet in my own mind, and lay all of these racing thoughts to rest? 

So much love. - Feryn 

ps. don't forget that love is on your side.