Merry Christmas

 good morning and Merry Christmas to all. Yesterday was the first Christmas without my parents here and the first since they sold their house. It was a quiet day, despite the kids getting all their new gifts and playing! And of course, my sweet baby Wesley's first Christmas. Things are good. Confusing, tiresome, and often, frustrating but... good. I sometimes feel like I get caught in the center of a tornado and everything starts swirling all around me. The tornado starts to lift me up as I am trying to grab onto something, anything to keep me steady through the storm. When the kids start fighting, and the baby is crying... whew! But, one breath gets me through the other breath and then the calm returns. The more I learn to center myself, the shorter the storm and the less painful. I have (and am learning) to bite my tongue. Metaphorically, of course, but bite. and bite down hard. Otherwise, I want to scream and curse at everyone and everything. Sometimes. How do I see it through my sweet friends? Where is the calm? The part of me that isn't angry and scared, alone and confused. Desperate to reach high ground. 

And in the midst of it all. Some things melt my heart. My baby and his squishy babiness. William, almost nine, but still my baby. Little lu, hobbling around, like a big brave boy on his cast. The days are long, but the years are short. I don't have the answers for many things right now. I try to draw strength from what feels solid and secure. Otherwise, it all gets clamored up in a big ball of smoke. 

As you can probably tell, I miss my family dearly. We had such a nice time with them over Thanksgiving. There was so much space to run and play and a nice, welcoming home with my mother inside. I felt good. I felt taken care of. Of course, not everything is always rainbows and butterflies. My mind still finds way to sabotage everything. But, I left there with an overall feeling of well being and time nicely spent. 

Anyways, cheers all. 2022 is on it's way. What am I most excited for? haha. The next season of my shows. lol. New Years resolution? ummm... just try to keep growing. be better then last year. meditate more. forgive myself more. read more. walk more. have fun. 

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year ban pan.