The storm.

“AND ONCE THE STORM IS OVER, YOU WON’T REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE IT THROUGH, HOW YOU MANAGED TO SURVIVE. YOU WON’T EVEN BE SURE, WHETHER THE STORM IS REALLY OVER. BUT ONE THING IS CERTAIN. WHEN YOU COME OUT OF THE STORM, YOU WON’T BE THE SAME PERSON WHO WALKED IN. THAT’S WHAT THIS STORM’S ALL ABOUT.”― HARUKI MURAKAMI

So, I know I have been talking about the "storm" between Nick and I. This quote seems to sum up all my feelings perfectly. I have been thinking about what went wrong, its probably many small things. But at the beginning of this storm, I found a song that felt so connected and true to my heart. It's called Say Anything by Tristan Prettyman. The song itself is so simple, sweet, and beautiful, but the music video is where I really just felt like "wow... I feel like I am seeing my heart unfold." It's a video that takes place mostly in Costa Rica and just shows snapshots of her life. She is a surfer girl, yogi, vegan. I just love it so much and the song is about saying anything, right or wrong and still loving that person "even when it didn't show." I feel like I have been having a REALLY hard time letting it show over the past six months. This past summer is the most disconnected Nick and I have been through our whole relationship. It was awful. I went to therapy, was prescribed anti-depressants (which I chose not to take), and was just altogether, a hot (literally) mess. 

I try to pinpoint exactly what was going on for me. It was a lot. Dealing with family issues, worrying about money. My focus was not on my relationship and my little family, but more on my parents and brother. Just lots of worry, anxiety and stress. 

This was the storm, which ultimately culminated in the worst hurricane in history. How crazy and this quote from Haruki Murakami could not be more true. I feel like I am walking out of the storm. Reaching more peaceful waters. Last night, watching Nick and William on the paddle board, with the calm ocean all around them and a beautiful sunset... I felt something shift. I felt a connection to my true self and full circle, my song was very present with me today. I watched the music video again today for the first time and felt that same certainty of like... "this. this is who I am." I don't need tons of money, a 9-5 job, a perfect car, new clothes, I just need love. Love, peace and sunsets. ✌

carving pumpkins with the boys on Halloween day

Falling for you.

“I've come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call "The Physics of The Quest" — a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity or momentum. And the rule of Quest Physics maybe goes like this: "If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared – most of all – to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself... then truth will not be withheld from you." Or so I've come to believe.”

― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

I never knew when I first read this quote (about ten years ago now), that it would literally tell the story of my life for the next decade. I feel it has especially applied to the past year. I woke up reflecting this morning on just everything over the past year. Late 30 and (so far) 31 have been a very difficult time for me, personally. My little family is wonderful, my children are happy and healthy and bring me joy every moment. But, personally, it has really been facing those difficult realities. I think we are now entering into the forgiveness phase.

I was having an amazing conversation with someone at work yesterday and we were talking about how often times we treat the people we love the most, the worst. We treat them in ways that we wouldn't treat a friend. This made me sad, but also a lightbulb went off. This is the piece of knowledge that I needed to shift my relationship with Nick. Perhaps it means starting from the beginning, "leaving behind the familiar" and becoming friends again, being gentle and kind to him, "forgiving bitter old resentments." So, that's where I am now. I am truly grateful for this new perspective and person at work that has been brought into my life because I think she is a key to my healing at this stage of my life.

In other news, I have been asked to join the management team at Date and Thyme. Nothing is official yet and a lot has to still be worked out, but it is an honor to be asked to join such an extraordinary group of people. I love my job so much and truly believe in what we stand for. People come in and tell us that what we offer, which in my opinion, is more than just health food but an entire healing experience, has changed their lives. It's so much about being present, holding space for others and being a strong individual. I have good feelings on what is to come next at Date & Thyme. I know it is going to shape me into the person that I am trying to become, a strong, confident, leader in my home and community.

I feel like this is who I am destined to be and here is where I am destined to become it. Key West is SO special to me and after many years spent experiencing other places, I know that I want to be here, in my hometown. My heart is here and it is the place that is most connected to my soul. The past ten years have been really about exploring and considering myself "a rolling stone", but now I feel most like I want to be here and nowhere else, really.

The Fall has brought some amazing weather and a new ability to think a little more clearly. We have had some great Halloween fun and it is altogether a wonderful time of year in Key West. Tonight, brings Halloween so we will prepare our Jack-O-Lanterns today! Hope everyone has a safe and Happy Halloween!

ps. something funky is going on with my camera, so the pics have been grainy at times =( going to try to fix this! but, still thankful to be able to capture memories.

Surviving Irma.

We evacuated Key West on September 5, 2017 due to the threat of Hurricane Irma. I spent the previous day on the boat with my parents at Boca Chica sandbar, loosely mentioning the threat of a hurricane. Nick was extremely worried and stayed informed the whole time. We decided the next morning to evacuate Key West. I spent the day packing everything that I wanted to save and putting important things high up on the shelves in case of flooding. We were ahead of the mandatory evacuation and made it to Vero Beach in the wee hours of the morning on September 6th. My dad stayed behind and my mom and brother evacuated that day. My brother stayed with us in Vero Beach for nearly three weeks while my mom (graciously) drove her friend to Ocala to help her evacuate.

Looking back, the words to describe this event get caught in my throat. It was so scary. I didn't know if we would all be okay. I didn't know if we would come back to a home. I didn't know (for sure) that I would get to see my dad again. We all managed to keep it together and stick together, praying, hugging, bracing for the uncertainty of what was to come. A monster churning through the ocean with our home in her reach. The days before the storm I eased anxiety with sips of Crown Royal with my brother and Nick. I will never forget hanging my head over a toilet and Nick telling me "it's about to hit."

I stayed in contact with my dad most of the time before the storm but lost contact after. He sent me up to date information and some things that made me laugh. He kept it together and it helped me keep it together. I felt so much sadness because he was here by himself. I wished I could be with him on his walk through old town when the whole town had been evacuated. I wondered if he visited the graves of his family members. I wondered if this is one of the reasons why he does not leave. He never has. It's like he guards the island or says to God "If your going to take it, your going to take me with it." That sounds like something my dad would say. lol. I saw a video the other day on youtube with Nick, a man talking about losing his wife and his father looking to him and saying three words. "Don't stop standing". It reminded me of the struggles my family has endured on this little island. I did not personally know my aunt or uncle who died here at a young age, but this is part of my families story, and mine. I don't think we can grow without our roots. We cannot know where we are going until we know where we have been.

So, Hurricane Irma hit us as a Category 4 hurricane on the night of September 10, 2017. It was the largest storm in recorded history, with the Upper Keys catching the brunt of it. Our home was spared as well as my parents' home and my father's properties. If we had caught what the Upper Keys had, we would have probably lost our home. It is still astounding to me that somewhere 30 minutes away suffered such devastation and we did not. I am reminded of the grotto and the protection of Mother Mary. My mom had gone days before the storm to light a candle. I am pretty sure we were all in some sort of meditative state as we tried to protect the island. My life is forever changed.

We returned home after almost three weeks. With our evacuation, I spent the most loving and heartfelt time with my brother. We made new friends with sweet people and ate a meal together with only the light of candles and flashlights. "real meal for five dollars" will forever be ingrained in me. Vero Beach lost power for about three days. We went to the beach. I was pummeled by a wave (actually two waves) in the Atlantic ocean when I decided to face my fear. I wanted to say " I am here. I am not afraid of you. I love you!". Then that big, turquoise blue wave scooped me up and spit me out and I got back up. Twice. And I was shaking for a good 30 minutes afterwards but I felt okay. I was okay. My home was okay. It was just a matter of time until we could return. We had to wait to be allowed back in. We had to wait for Key West to get power, running water and to fix the roads.

We came through Big Pine the night of September 21st. There was destruction everywhere. The only lights were cast by police cars on the side of the roads warding off looters. My brother said he felt like we had just gone down a long dark hallway. I was reminded of the meditation I had been doing during the weeks prior of being in a dark tunnel and walking towards my bright, white light. Then, the lights of Key West. The shell station. My parents home. Dropping Michael off, not having the words to properly express what we had just gone through. Only a "see ya later". Onto our home on Patterson, free beer and the feeling of being home. Our fish were still alive!

The days following have been a whirlwind of clearing, cleaning, working and rebuilding. I have had an off feeling since we returned and for quite a while really (as I have been expressing here), that I think is due to my identity basically being shaken to its core. I think a new self is emerging. A new dawn. A new day. I don't know where this road leads, but hopefully, with a little luck and a lot of love, it leads me home.

destruction to Key Haven home after Hurricane Irma September 2017

patterson ave clean up crew

makin the most of things in Vero Beach, FL

Turning the page.

Well, we successfully made it through (and witnessed) the first solar eclipse in our lifetime. There was a lot of talk about it affecting Donald Trump and how the shadow going over the moon was symbolic of the collective shadow passing over him? I don't know. One can only hope that he gets the picture ASAP. I do feel small shifts in myself, however. I feel less tied up in all the drama over the past couple months and more of a sense of calm, like everything is going to work out. I just have to remember to focus on the good, small things and take it one day at a time. As much as my "shoulds" invade my thoughts, I have to focus on my most important job and that is living this life and being a good mama, and leaving the rest up to my higher power.

I am thinking about saying no more often. I had an instance a couple of weeks ago where I "should" have said no and didn't. Setting the intention to say no more often!

I feel calm and okay today despite having much on my mind... bills, work, family, the state of the world, my relationship... I heard in my mind yesterday... let it be. I have been reconnecting with the bible and its teachings and am finding much peace from this. I am grateful that these pieces have been coming in. I hope to keep moving forward in a positive direction and to stop being so gosh darn hard on myself over every little thing, and just trying to enjoy life more. I am trying to incorporate and stick to good habits and move forward into a new season (bye Summer, you kicked my bum). I feel some of the pressure lifting along with the oppressive heat that we have been baring for about 4 months now.

I have a therapy appointment on Friday and am setting the intention (here and now) that it will be the closing of a chapter and the beginning of another. I hope and pray that Nick and I will find our love again. I know it hasn't left us, but I do feel that it is being tested. I will not give up my dream of marrying this man! =) I realize now that Nick and I have to come first and everyone else (family, kids, and friends) have to come second. This means making sacrifices every day and reconnecting to this centering belief, EVERY DAY! We are the heart of our home. And the home is where we flourish and connect, so it is best to have it in good flow. Which brings me back to the fact that sometimes, I am going to have to say no, not right now, not today.

And I surrender. At the edge of it all, I SURRENDER.

For most of life...

“For most of life, nothing wonderful happens. If you don’t enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends, then chances are that you’re not going to be very happy. If someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events like a great new job, huge amounts of money, a flawlessly happy marriage or a trip to Paris, that person isn’t going to be happy much of the time. If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness. ”

— Andy Rooney

Reflections.

Summmer Sun

by Robert Louis Stevenson

Great is the sun, and wide he goes
Through empty heaven with repose;
And in the blue and glowing days
More thick than rain he showers his rays.

Though closer still the blinds we pull
To keep the shady parlour cool,
Yet he will find a chink or two
To slip his golden fingers through.

The dusty attic spider-clad
He, through the keyhole, maketh glad;
And through the broken edge of tiles
Into the laddered hay-loft smiles.

Meantime his golden face around
He bares to all the garden ground,
And sheds a warm and glittering look
Among the ivy's inmost nook.

Above the hills, along the blue,
Round the bright air with footing true,
To please the child, to paint the rose,
The gardener of the World, he goes. 

Summer is almost over and we have successfully started a sweet, little garden. I set out with intention to start a mango tree and an avocado tree this summer. The mango tree is officially under way =) and I am hopeful that my avocado seed is going to sprout, as well. It looks promising! We also have a pretty prominent basil plant, which we are using to make pesto and a mint plant, that is beautifully growing into a vine that tastes and smells good =) hmm what else? ginger, lemons, gardenia, tomatoes, oh my! By next summer, maybe we will be making salads out of our very own garden! Don't want to think about next summer, yet. lol. School. Ah. 

What else? Life is good. Just workin' and playin' when I can! The boys are super cute and fun these days. Lukey is at the age where his little personality is starting to come out. He is so sweet and likes to give hugs and kisses. He will say "mommy hug." and wraps his arms around my neck. He calls out and cups his hands around his mouth when he is looking for one of us. He has a little half smile that I think is the best thing in the world and I look forward to it every morning after he is done nursing. William is getting so big but still so little. He is  absolutely "exquisite" =) He reminds me of a little prince. Often, I peak in on them sleeping and am just in awe of their beauty. Actually, this happens every time I look at them. I could just freeze time and stare at the perfection of their sweet, little faces. So pure and innocent. Just radiating love for us right now.

 So, thats about it. I notice the slightest change in the air. Ever so slight, but there. Signaling that Fall is coming. Lots of activities here in the Fall, which will bring Fantasy Fest and all of its activities. I don't know whether or not we will participate this year. Fantasy Fest is a love/hate relationship for me, since it is also the time that I lost a friend. So... ya. Maybe zombie bike ride? I have costumes! We will see. I don't love crowds these days. However, I am excited to watch two movies off of iTunes... Inside Out and Water for Elephants. Also, we are now the proud family of a little fishy tank! We have a fish named Bullseye, Knifey (??), and Sucker. LOL. Ya. Will post pics soon. 

Here are my pics for now =)

Ps. Still working on my end of summer project ;)

blurry

rocky shores

kombucha brew. interesting process

Gonna leave you with one last quote because it sums it all up.

Bye for now.

Answer to a prayer.

I have to share these while my emotions surrounding them are still fresh. Let's just say... I haven't felt beautiful in a REALLY long time. I like how I look most of the time, but it's always like "Yea, I look ok... " But to see MY SELF and FEEL BEAUTIFUL. Life changing.

💖

It's finally starting to come together.