Turning the page.

Well, we successfully made it through (and witnessed) the first solar eclipse in our lifetime. There was a lot of talk about it affecting Donald Trump and how the shadow going over the moon was symbolic of the collective shadow passing over him? I don't know. One can only hope that he gets the picture ASAP. I do feel small shifts in myself, however. I feel less tied up in all the drama over the past couple months and more of a sense of calm, like everything is going to work out. I just have to remember to focus on the good, small things and take it one day at a time. As much as my "shoulds" invade my thoughts, I have to focus on my most important job and that is living this life and being a good mama, and leaving the rest up to my higher power.

I am thinking about saying no more often. I had an instance a couple of weeks ago where I "should" have said no and didn't. Setting the intention to say no more often!

I feel calm and okay today despite having much on my mind... bills, work, family, the state of the world, my relationship... I heard in my mind yesterday... let it be. I have been reconnecting with the bible and its teachings and am finding much peace from this. I am grateful that these pieces have been coming in. I hope to keep moving forward in a positive direction and to stop being so gosh darn hard on myself over every little thing, and just trying to enjoy life more. I am trying to incorporate and stick to good habits and move forward into a new season (bye Summer, you kicked my bum). I feel some of the pressure lifting along with the oppressive heat that we have been baring for about 4 months now.

I have a therapy appointment on Friday and am setting the intention (here and now) that it will be the closing of a chapter and the beginning of another. I hope and pray that Nick and I will find our love again. I know it hasn't left us, but I do feel that it is being tested. I will not give up my dream of marrying this man! =) I realize now that Nick and I have to come first and everyone else (family, kids, and friends) have to come second. This means making sacrifices every day and reconnecting to this centering belief, EVERY DAY! We are the heart of our home. And the home is where we flourish and connect, so it is best to have it in good flow. Which brings me back to the fact that sometimes, I am going to have to say no, not right now, not today.

And I surrender. At the edge of it all, I SURRENDER.

For most of life...

“For most of life, nothing wonderful happens. If you don’t enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends, then chances are that you’re not going to be very happy. If someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events like a great new job, huge amounts of money, a flawlessly happy marriage or a trip to Paris, that person isn’t going to be happy much of the time. If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness. ”

— Andy Rooney

Reflections.

Summmer Sun

by Robert Louis Stevenson

Great is the sun, and wide he goes
Through empty heaven with repose;
And in the blue and glowing days
More thick than rain he showers his rays.

Though closer still the blinds we pull
To keep the shady parlour cool,
Yet he will find a chink or two
To slip his golden fingers through.

The dusty attic spider-clad
He, through the keyhole, maketh glad;
And through the broken edge of tiles
Into the laddered hay-loft smiles.

Meantime his golden face around
He bares to all the garden ground,
And sheds a warm and glittering look
Among the ivy's inmost nook.

Above the hills, along the blue,
Round the bright air with footing true,
To please the child, to paint the rose,
The gardener of the World, he goes. 

Summer is almost over and we have successfully started a sweet, little garden. I set out with intention to start a mango tree and an avocado tree this summer. The mango tree is officially under way =) and I am hopeful that my avocado seed is going to sprout, as well. It looks promising! We also have a pretty prominent basil plant, which we are using to make pesto and a mint plant, that is beautifully growing into a vine that tastes and smells good =) hmm what else? ginger, lemons, gardenia, tomatoes, oh my! By next summer, maybe we will be making salads out of our very own garden! Don't want to think about next summer, yet. lol. School. Ah. 

What else? Life is good. Just workin' and playin' when I can! The boys are super cute and fun these days. Lukey is at the age where his little personality is starting to come out. He is so sweet and likes to give hugs and kisses. He will say "mommy hug." and wraps his arms around my neck. He calls out and cups his hands around his mouth when he is looking for one of us. He has a little half smile that I think is the best thing in the world and I look forward to it every morning after he is done nursing. William is getting so big but still so little. He is  absolutely "exquisite" =) He reminds me of a little prince. Often, I peak in on them sleeping and am just in awe of their beauty. Actually, this happens every time I look at them. I could just freeze time and stare at the perfection of their sweet, little faces. So pure and innocent. Just radiating love for us right now.

 So, thats about it. I notice the slightest change in the air. Ever so slight, but there. Signaling that Fall is coming. Lots of activities here in the Fall, which will bring Fantasy Fest and all of its activities. I don't know whether or not we will participate this year. Fantasy Fest is a love/hate relationship for me, since it is also the time that I lost a friend. So... ya. Maybe zombie bike ride? I have costumes! We will see. I don't love crowds these days. However, I am excited to watch two movies off of iTunes... Inside Out and Water for Elephants. Also, we are now the proud family of a little fishy tank! We have a fish named Bullseye, Knifey (??), and Sucker. LOL. Ya. Will post pics soon. 

Here are my pics for now =)

Ps. Still working on my end of summer project ;)

blurry

rocky shores

kombucha brew. interesting process

Gonna leave you with one last quote because it sums it all up.

Bye for now.

Answer to a prayer.

I have to share these while my emotions surrounding them are still fresh. Let's just say... I haven't felt beautiful in a REALLY long time. I like how I look most of the time, but it's always like "Yea, I look ok... " But to see MY SELF and FEEL BEAUTIFUL. Life changing.

💖

It's finally starting to come together.

Hey, Good Morning.

Or as William says around this time of day (5 pm)... "good mornin' mama." Melting my heart 24 hours a day, I tell ya. Things have been good around here. Definitely busy, but a little more restful. I am working hard at meditations and staying in tune with myself, though not always easy. Summer is whizzing right by and I can/can't believe it's almost August (the last official month of summer). It has been a hot one and I will be glad to welcome cooler weather in a few months (maybe Octoberish?). It has been a good Key West summer and the memories will live in my heart forever.

My favorite memories so far have been... hammocking at Ft. Zak with Nick and the boys, hopping on a paddle board for the first time on my b-day, Mother's Day dinner (technically Spring, but felt like the first part of summer to me!) and taking photos with my family at Fort Zak last week. I will share these as soon as I get them back! 🍊🍍🍓

Other than that, there has been lots of ups and downs. Downs have been getting sick and wearing myself out and just not feeling good flow in my life. I think that is getting better though! Nick and I have ridden the roller coaster of life these past few months and I think it's time to say "ok. We want off." LOL. I know there will always be ups and downs, but maybe more of a surfing analogy and less of a roller coaster. haha. Like riding the waves of life. together. =)

I am so thankful when my days off roll around for the one simple reason that most likely, I am going to get to take naps with the boys. I love it so much and even more on days like today, when it is raining outside. Yes, we will stay inside and nap! Thank you, rain!

In other news, I am looking forward to the end of summer (bittersweet), but hope to enjoy a nice cool breeze in October forward! Though, I am not rushing this year AT ALL because next Fall... the S word- school. But, I hope to enjoy every moment and not think too much about this in the meantime. One day at a time, Feryn. One day at a time.  ☕

I am entering a new season of my life and I can feel it. Today, during my meditation I heard "this is the part where you start to like yourself." I love it. I think I have always tried to show myself a lot of TLC but I'm not sure that I ever really LIKED myself ya know? Like embraced myself fully. I'm really excited to do so and I can't wait to see the person who pops their head up at the end of this bridge. Haha. I know she is awesome and quirky, funny and loving.

Well, here's to August! My dad's birthday, and we are entering into the sign of Leo (the independent Lion, strong and passionate) .♌ . Leo is one of my favorite signs as it has been the sign of two important men in my life, my dad and my Grandfather (which is funny because the swinging bridge I am imagining is the one on Grandfather Mountain in NC). ☽

(Ps. just learned that August 4 is Barack Obama's birthday, make it 3 of my favorite men.)

Anyways, this has been a bit of a ramble but I love it and it helps me to clear my thoughts! I am super excited for this next chapter! Thanks for being with me BanPan fam. ✌

So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be. - Perks of Being a Wallflower 🌻

Ice cream, Swims and the 4th of July

Hello,

It's a warm summer night here in Key West =) The sunsets have been AH-Mazin' lately. I find myself having to see them and each one seems more beautiful than the last. I always think of a saying I heard about how Key Westers think that their sunsets are the best in the world =) so true. Of course, I am biased! 

We are having a great summer here this year, filled with lots of activities for the boys (and ourselves!). Time is finally starting to slowww down a little bit. We spent yesterday on the boat with mom & dad. It was so nice and we had such a good time. I LOVE BEING ON THE OCEAN. Omigosh, my soul is made of salt water and ocean breeze. It is truly the place that I feel the most at ease. No matter what is troubling me, the ocean makes it all better. I know with this, I will never truly be alone and I will always find healing. 

While the summer has been so beautiful (and the pictures will show this in the years to come!), it has been a trying time for me. I learned today (from Molly) that this year, 2017, represents a brand new year, energetically and it is common to receive some "nudges from the universe to release what is no longer serving us." Definitely been happenin' round herr! It is not easy, and I don't always handle it with as much grace as I would like, but I'm getting through. 

I wish it wasn't necessary. I wish that every day was as happy as the pictures, but I have been REALLY looking at my ish the last few years and it is not easy! Closing chapters, forgiving ones self and others, and really looking in the mirror and asking "who am I? who do I want to be?". I guess (I really hope) that this is common at my age, where I feel like I am really just entering into adulthood, but trying to hold onto all the good parts of myself as a youth. 

So yea, I can only hope that the inner work I am doing now will benefit my future self and the future selves of my little ones and my family! I know there were some doors that needed closin' and skeletons that needed to be put to rest! But, for the most part, I am happy. I am happy to be home, I am happy to be with my family and to be making good memories. So, that's all that really matters and I can only hope to be able to look back on this time of my life fondly. 

So here are some pics of our summer 2017! I am working on a little surprise project (for Nick) but it has to wait until the end of the Summer! I hope it turns out as good as I imagine it. So, I will be sure to share it with you here. Good night BanPan. ✨

Next stop: Cocoa Beach!! 

ice cream cheers

always talkin'

little ones

goin in

they gave themselves beards (still not sure who was behind this one)

beyond love

hammockin'

On that note ✌