Fare thee well.

Key West has suffered another loss. Mine and my brother's friend, Eddie Gates has passed away from an overdose. I feel bad for my brother because he was good friends with Eddie. I feel so bad. My heart longs to hug Michael and be with him right now, but I can't because he is too far away. I know he has dealt with so much the last six months and I cannot really begin to understand what is next.

Eddie got my brother and Alena together. He answered my prayers. I have memories of him throughout my crazy college years, all of us hanging out together. He was always super kind to me. He had a great voice. He liked my friend Rachael, and so it was in that way that I got to hang out with him where he would pay for everything and take us out on the boat. He was very caring. He was a good friend to my brother and for this, I will always be grateful.

This has been a heavy week. We started it out with a "william field trip", where he took me to a pile of rocks that have been laid in a circle right off of the shore of Higgs Beach. We sat there for a long time and the rocks became a force field around us. Next, we went to the Martello Towers and walked through the garden. It has changed since the hurricane, but is still very beautiful! I walked William through there when he was just a baby and took his picture in front of the giant tree that is no longer there. I thought at that time... "maybe I will get married here, in this beautiful garden." So much has happened since then. I felt bigger walking through there this time.

Here are some pics.

RIP Eddie Gates. Gone, but not forgotten. Dance with the angels.

Mom life.

Hello hello,

something kind of exciting happened yesterday! We were invited to our first school friend birthday party. Little Julius turned 6 and had a birthday party in his sweet, little home. It was so nice and full of so many friends that I have made in the past few years at Date and Thyme. I have met some really wonderful people who I feel like maybe we will be life long friends. They are a group of nice people and it just makes me feel genuinely happy. The party was so sweet in his home. I love seeing other people's homes and how they use their creativity to create a beautiful space. It makes me feel nice to see other people like ourselves, young parents who have what they have. Sometimes, I feel like I should be further along then I am, financially, but then I see sweet little spaces, like my own and it just helps me feel grateful and happy. I think our own home is coming along nicely and will continue to get better.

Speaking of, I recently watched a show on Netflix about tidying up, by the woman who wrote the book. Have you seen it? I love it! It is so perfect for folding laundry and getting inspired! I am going to get a big box from work this week and clean out my clothes first! Major organization on the list for this year! I, also, created my vision board for the year. God knows my vision board saw me through it all last year. This year, my chosen phrase was "namo Kali". I don't know the exact translation, but for me, it means a clearing away of what no longer serves me. My board feels very rooted in my essence.  It is full of adventure, travel, thinking, fashion and service. My center point is a woman surfacing in the ocean. It represents tranquility and pleasure.

So, on to a New Year and new possibilities. Here are some pics I want to show you!

And a Happy New Year.

Hello,

how are you? thanks for being here for me through a very difficult year. 2018 presented me with WORK! Work to release, work to surrender, work to trust and work to have faith. And while I knew that things would all end up okay, it was painful going through it and it's often, been painful to move forward. When I say pain, I mean literal heart wrenching moments that made me want keel over. And sometimes, I did. It was rough. But, I was tough. Magical moments came from the trying ones. I strengthened my bond with my brother and shared some heart to heart moments that will forever live in my heart. They have now moved to North Carolina and I miss him so much. We are hoping to visit in the Spring and I can't wait.

And through it all, life happens. Halloween, Williams first "Historical Halloween" with his school, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. It was different this year because I didn't spend one holiday with my mom and dad. They have retired, things are still working themselves out, and Nick and I did it on our own this year. It was good. Not the same, but good. Thanksgiving will never be truly Thanksgiving without all the fixings that I have known throughout my life. Mashed potatoes with rutabaga, creamed onions and my mom's gravy. It is the true staples of Thanksgiving. Nick and I did truly have a wonderful day/evening together and I am grateful for it. It was so nice riding down the Keys at night, babies asleep and full in the back and holding hands, just the two of us. Magic.

Halloween and Historical Halloween were sweet and joyful. William was Ringo Starr for his first ever Historical Halloween. Many more of these to come! I will always keep you updated, promise! He was so cute. Like, the cutest. I love him so much. He is my little five year old boy, full of weirdness and love. And Lucas is sweet and lovable and enchanting. I love them both so much and I LOVE LOVE LOVE being their mom. The day to day is sometimes... tiring, but all in all, I love it more then anything. Life really is a gift, even the difficult times.

Christmas was nice. It was a whirlwind and started to feel like a roller coaster ride. I enjoyed it and it was a beautiful thing, but I need to find ways to maybe pace myself more. This is always my intention... cool, calm and collected. I will do better next year.

So, New Years. New Years resolutions... I am trying to stop drinking alcohol and just treat myself better, in general. Not run myself down and just try to take things a little slowerrrrrr.

So here's the pics I have so far. All blessings.

snapshots

I am learning that life is full of fleeting moments, little bits that I could hold in my palm forever. It is no wonder that they say your life passes before your eyes when you die. I think I know some of the moments I will see. Yesterday, I came home to a Christmas tree standing on my porch. That moment, that half of a second was full of joy and surprise. The moments that followed were like the downward slope of a rollercoaster, I felt sad, confused, worried, scared. It amazed me how I could go from just experiencing pure joy in one moment, to such the opposite the next moments. This has been brought to my attention more and more lately. Life is long but it is made of these very special moments. I wish that those moments could last longer. I wish those moments could stretch into the time of always.

I find out today about this new job. It has brought many feelings with it, only the way that change can. I hand it all over to my higher power, because sometimes, it just feels like TOO MUCH. I have been experiencing a dull/excruciating pain in my right side. It feels like whole body is just aching. in this tight squeeze. I don't know what to do about it.

There is a new moon healing this week, using quartz bowls and sound healing. I think this could be really helpful for me, and I have never gotten to do something like it.

I will keep you posted on the happenings of the holiday season. We have an Elf on The Shelf coming! I am excited for this and hope it will infuse our holidays with a lil sumin sumin, that we could all use right now. I am excited to see his mischievous come out! What will he get into? The candy, the presents?! I can't wait to find out! =)

Love, Feryn

beautiful, beautiful life right now.

I did something kind of special today. I went and observed a Montessori classroom, well actually three Montessori classrooms. First it was toddlers, then little kids, and then big kids. It was so interesting. The setting is at a little wooden school where you walk into different little classrooms, upstairs and into these magical, little spaces. It was so amazing. My favorite room was the Kapok class, where a little, tiny girl said to me "welcome to the Kapok class." So sweet. It is upstairs so you really felt like you were in a little tree house. It was so sweet and amazing. The classrooms were beautiful, full of little plants and little things to learn with. I was amazed at every new turn. I saw a sign in Ms. Sally's class that said "get to know your brain" and while it was referring to the different parts of a brain, I couldn't help but think... "yea, this kind of is like my brain." lol. Little yoga sessions, painting, music, plants, humming. It was a beautiful experience.

 It is amazing how one can gain perspective when one reaches the other side of things. (I sound like Mrs. Who). I just feel so peaceful. I feel like who I am is not only ok, but amazing and wonderful and special.

But, as always. I surrender. I surrender to the greater good. I recently wrote in my journal about a sort of concept I am exploring. Unconditional love.

release

I wrote today for the first time in a while about my thoughts and feelings and it opened the flood gates. I have had this nagging feeling all day of wanting to do something and I know it was to write more.  Writing is like the key that unlocks my truest self. The hurt, the pain, the fear, joy, blessings and beauty.

Writing helps keep it real. It says this is what happened and this is how I feel about it.

My life, at the moment, seems to contain new and interesting events every. single. day. Every day I fight harder to love. Some days, I wish I didn't have to fight so hard to be here, in the moment. But, when I come to the moment, I recognize how amazing, sweet, and fleeting it is and I go somewhere else. To an unpleasant memory mostly. To distract myself. sounds crazy huh.

Fear and anxiety mostly rule my mind. I have been able to intervene with positive things, small changes to help, but I often feel that I am missing out on the best parts of my life by holding on to the past. I need to let go. I need to trust my partner. It scares the crap out of me. There is so much fear.

I think I have also been craving my meditation time. I didn't get to meditate today and my mind was craving that gap. That time of just sitting and letting the mind r-e-l-a-x. I am happy to say this. It shows change and it shows that I am TRYING.

We will see what tomorrow brings.

ps. william likes school and just had a test on his shapes. I miss him so much while he is gone and my heart longs for the moments when I get to see them again.

Nick is doing well. We are excited for the new season!

Me? I am okay. I am happy to welcome Fall and maybe some more rest and flow. Summer was an up leveling. I hope this season will be like the trees. Shaking off their old leaves to make room for the new.

Letting go.

Good morning ban pan.

Fall is here! There is a beautiful breeze outside and Halloween sightings around town. I could not be happier to welcome a new time of year.

With the new season upon us, I am sad to say that I am having trouble letting go of the last one. Much of the hurt that I have endured is still with me and I, often, wake up with a sad, confused heart. I don't  know why these things have happened. I can only imagine that it is only to bring me closer to myself and I definitely see my strength rising to the surface. I know I am much more aware of myself and the boundaries I need to maintain to live an authentic life.

Date and Thyme has had a visitor over the past 3 weeks named Rebecca. She is from Australia and she is staying with Charlie while she heals from the ending of her marriage. She, like me, has two children, both boys. And she talks to me from the other side of where I am now. I wonder often "Is this how my life will end up?". Nick and I have been through a lot that has left my mind in a place of deep uncertainty about him and us. When I talk to Rebecca and I say things like "I just don't know." She responds with... "yes, you do."

I believe that I know that I love Nick very much. I believe in us and that we can endure the hardships of life and partnership. A part of me wants to run the other way from this and not risk it. Not risk what could be the other side of this... divorce, wasted time... but the other part says... "take the risk."

Fall. Surrender. Let go. Make space for the new.

Peace and love banpan.