almost summer

We are about to wrap up William's first year of school. I like this feeling, a feeling of completion and accomplishment. Some days were not easy. But, we learned and grew and made it to the end with a smile. Montessori is slowly becoming part of our family. We are becoming a part of the school more and more every day and I am excited for the opportunity to get Lucas accustomed to the school that he will attend in a little over a year. This year has brought us together in a lot of ways, even when I thought it would tear us apart. Nick and I are on stable ground and I am finding my way back into his arms.

I don't know what this summer will hold. I feel that change is on the horizon, in some way or another. I hope the warm coming months will bring us closer together as a family. I hope the storm is behind us. I hope our future is prosperous. I hope we enjoy our lives together as they come together more and more every day.

So, here's to the (almost) completion of kindergarten. Here's to sleeping in. To salty days and relaxing nights. Here's to peace. Here's to love and to the next chapter of our lives.

Our journey is just beginning.

mothers day and puppy time.

Hello hello!

Greetings 8 days out from 33! I am excited for my birthday this year and actually, feel like it's going to be a great year for us. My goals are to focus on my family and continue to learn and grow, and to know and love myself more. I realize that until this time, I have played it small, and not trusted myself. I have trusted outside voices more then my own and really worried so much about people's opinions of me. I am realizing more and more that I am in charge of my own life and that the opinions of others do not have to play such a large role in my life.

I want to learn to trust my own inner voice more. To trust love and Nick. To deepen my faith in God and to find a resting place in the unconditional love of God. It sounds deep, but I think it is perfectly simple. Rest.

Here are some pictures of Olley's first day with us.

trust list & puppy update

I recently watched a little podcast from Danielle LaPorte about creating a trust list. So, here is mine.

I trust:

• Nick to protect me and our family
• nature
• hugs
• friends
• my words
• the Gap (ha)
• Amanda Frances
• Vicky Shaw
• Gabby Bernstein & Danielle LaPorte
• prayer
• God
• deep breaths
• my body
• my mind (the knowledge part)
• my little Olly
• butterflies that represent transformation
• the Earth
• the sun and the moon to rise
• when I am in Beth's calm
• being on the ocean
• the mountains 
• the air I breathe
• that I will always seek and find joy in my life. Danielle describes this as joy through sadness, to return to joy again.
• that Nick will enrich my life.

We got a new puppy yesterday. My vote for name is Olly, short for Almund, meaning protector of the temple. He is full of so much sweetness that I hardly know what to do with myself or him. He is the littlest puppy and romps around the yard for about 30 minutes and then, comes in to snooze in the cool air conditioning. He is so good for us. At first, when Jax passed away, I said that I did not want another dog anytime soon, but this little guy is a burst of sunlight in our day. This morning we all woke up happy and excited that this little guy is now a part of our life. I want like five of him running around so I can just watch puppies enjoy the same things as I do, sunshine, adventures, and people, to name a few, so far. Oh yes, and napping in the AC! 

I can't wait to see what the future brings us Olly.  I hope it's beach days and mountain runs and just sucking the sweet nectar out of this experience called life. Thanks for picking us, Olly! 

May day!

Hello,

I had a previous post on here, discussing the difficult time I was having, However, I deleted it and haven't looked back since. The past two weeks have been full of change. We lost our Jaxy. It was very unfortunate circumstances, that I am still questioning every moment of every day. I don't know how I will ever move forward or forgive myself. The wisdom in me tells me it will be okay, but my heart misses him.

I know that this is all propelling me into something new and different. However, I wish it could have been different. But, that is a battle that I cannot win. I trust in forces unseen and know that God is always working in my favor.

And in the midst of it all, life keeps going. There is no time for self-loathing because you have birthdays and parties and school snacks and little boys who are all- forgiving and loving and patient and kind. Even when I want to hate myself, I can't because there is a little boy who looks at me with such love in his eyes and often, I realize this is me. This is the mirror. There I am as a child. So, I try to offer as much love and listening and presence as I can hold and some days, I know I have work to do. My attention can last completely for a short amount of time.

I am working to change this. I am working every moment of every day to change this through prayer, meditation, exercise, exchanges, lists, and today, writing. I always know it is time to write when the words start to feel like they are bubbling up inside of me. This post took me about 3 days to write. I started with the first two paragraphs, when it got too painful, I had to step away. I had to let the rain fall and the sun to come out again. Writing is the only way I can truly connect with my true SELF. My mind will be telling me a million crazy things all throughout the day, but the words that come out when I write are the truth, my truth.

And so it is. We move on to this next chapter of our life without Jaxy. My Jaxy bear. My sweet, sweet dog who offered me comfort and companionship for the most difficult days I have encountered thus far. The days when I felt like I had no one, that dog was by my side. On constant watch. On constant guard of me and my family. His loss will never leave my life. There will never be another one like him. He was young and beautiful, soft and lean. He was cautious, yet assertive. The perfect dog.

I will not let him go in vain. I will constantly seek to improve my mind so that I can tune more into what is happening in my life at any given time. I will seek to trust the will of God and his plan for me. I will constantly strive for perfection, the perfection that God has for me. I will seek to balance mind and body, to have more strength to do the things I want to do. To be fully present for my life.

Peace.

Rest in Peace Jaxon Soto. 7/4/11-4/28/19.

"I carry your heart. I carry it in my heart. I am never without it."-e.e. cummings

greetings!

greetings from the other side of 4. Our baby is four years old. Four. I mean, where does the time even go? Hopefully up to a perfect memory cloud that just stays perfect forever. It was a fun filled day, complete with balloons and our first Happy Birthday song with just the four of us present.

Normally, Lucas covers his ears when everyone sings to him because he says it is "too loud", but when it was just the four of us, he was so happy and into it. He blew out his candles and gave Nick a high five. It was so sweet. He asked all day when he would get to go to his party, which would be held the day after his birthday. It was a great day, which ended with tears when his "lego balloon" flew away into the night sky. =( So sad. My heart just broke for him. What a bittersweet moment that is.

The party was the next day which was busy, busy, busy. I made all the food throughout the day, which was really good for so as not to get too anxious about the actual party. I found some cute ideas on Pinterest and did a really good job, I thought =) The party was a dinosaur theme, complete with a dino egg hunt, and a piñata. The whole party came out really good and the kids all seemed to have a nice time. We ended the evening watching the sunset, then packing up the truck to head home. It was a smashing success, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't at all anxious about it! I always get a little nervous with social gatherings and especially, hosting them! I think I pulled it off, cool, calm, and collected, however.


So, how do I feel about the boys turning a year older? It is always a lot of emotions! Happy, sad, stressful, reflective, proud... But, we are truly doing a good job of taking care of each other and I am always grateful for that! Thanks and talk soon!

good morning.

Hello lovies,

I just wanted to update you on some things that happened since I last wrote. Yesterday was Williams first family day at school, where the parents were invited to come and view their childs work over the last few months. William was excited to show us many things and Lucas was super sweet, as he tried to participate, as well. William's best friend, Jayden, is also so adorable and sweet and I hope they are friends forever. He even looks like William! 

I am trying to take things slower and enjoy my two sweet babies to the absolute fullest. Times can be so trying, though and I often, get tired and cranky. It is my prayer to God that he helps me to always honor my energy and not take on too much, to always do what is best for myself so that I may give whole heartedly to my family. If I take on too much I get a headache and don't feel well, so I am really trying to be healthy and happy. 

We finished yesterday off with a trip to the Waterfront Park, which may be my favorite place in all the world. The temperature here is just perfect with nice, cool, grass, shade, and a glorious fountain splash pad to play in. William has had an ear infection for about 3 weeks and has had to stay out of the water, but I did let him indulge a little yesterday and he couldn't have been happier to be reunited with his favorite play thing, water =). I felt my own mind lighten up from the fun we were having and the heaviness that I was experiencing started to lift. It was a very nice afternoon, indeed and I plan to spend more evenings like this. 

I have received a true blessing, which I won't talk about too much on here. But, I simply want to take a moment to ask God to guide my ways with this blessing. That is all. Thank you. 

Amen! Love ya. 

hello sweeties

happy belated Valentines Day!

I had the absolute best one yet. I got the boys (Nick, William, and Lucas) seed cards from work where you can plant the whole card and its supposed to turn into wildflowers. It was a really nice day. Nick got me roses and I wore red lipstick out to dinner at Viv (our new favorite spot!). The owners are Julie and Laurent and they are wonderful, French people. I fell in love with them at first sight.

We spent last weekend hammocking in one of the most beautiful places in the whole world. A little tree on a secret beach. Just the four of us. It was so beautiful. William has had an ear infection for the past two weeks (eek!) where we have been having to take it kind of easy with what we do, but this day was much needed so we went for it.

Life is moving right along and Nick is finishing up a painting project this week at Viv! It will be nice to see the finished project. I have discovered a show, which I truly love. Anne, with an E. It is so good and just a reminder of many things. It is a reminder of the struggles that people faced when this country was first being settled and so it is very humbling in that way. It is a reminder of being a young woman and having so much to say, yet sometimes, being asked not to say it. It is a reminder of imagination, friendship, and growth. So, I am happy now and things are moving right along.

Things aren't quite "perfect" yet, where it's back to "normal" with my family and Nick, where my brother and Alena are settled in the way that we wish that they could be or the past is smoothed over, but we are heading in that direction at a steady pace and I do truly believe that peaceful, wonderful times are ahead. I love you banpan. Thanks for being here.