Stay.

I cannot seem to stop thinking about Anne. She is on my mind all day. I go through the motions of my day but I still see her face. I hear the words that were spoken about her at her celebration. I replay all of it over and over again. I believe it is all part of the grieving process. I am sure others are feeling the same way.

I think of all my friends at work and how much they have helped me in the past 6 months. I think of Ms. Sara, one of the SWEETEST ladies and her words at the celebration on Monday night. "Don't get stuck there, Sara".  I know where there is. I think of Gretchen's words... "Anne's courageous decision." Wow. What a way to look at this. I would have never thought of it like that. I am so glad that I attended the celebration and stood there with so many amazing people. I will never forget it. The amazing part was to know so many of them, now. It's so interesting the course my life has taken in Key West. When I graduated Key West High in 2004, never did I think Key West would turn into a place of such deep healing for me. Never did I think I would come to know the healers that I have come to know. It is so amazing.

Anyways, I miss you Anne. I will miss your face and maybe always secretly hope you will work through the door at Date and Thyme. I think of your words at your yoga studio during the few moments I shared with you and Beth... "I wish I could stay." Me too Anne. I wish you could stay too.

Peace, love, and light to all.

May the God of Love shine through all of our hearts each and every day.

seeing red.

There are so many good things happening in my life right now, after what has been a very difficult time. Just to recap... I had been talking here for a while about things between Nick and I, an invisible wall that I could not get through. Well, the wall crumbled on July 4th, 2018. He moved out. I saw it coming. It was the only thing left to do. It was the saddest, most difficult times I have been through, but I stayed positive and super grounded in faith and family. I leaned on others as the hurricane hit and passed us by. Today, we are back together, working as a team. We wake up early, William has now started kindergarten (he likes it!). I miss him terribly, but it all feels very natural and I am okay. I am so thankful for the time we had of nothing but each other. We still have that time and I hope to have more of it very soon.

It has been an adjustment period. A time of swallowing the lump in my throat over and over again. My brother and Alena moved to North Carolina. They are living in Graham and Amy's cabin. I worry about them, but I hope they will be okay. Like I said, it's a time of transitions.

On a super sad note, a lady that I know committed suicide yesterday. I knew her from Date and Thyme. It's so interesting how our lives unfold and you don't know in that moment how it is unfolding, or how a moment becomes a light in the dark one day. The ladies name was Anne. She was so beautiful! The first time I saw her, I was just in awe of her. She would come in during the week and I would say hello, and always feel in awe of her when I did. All those moments just feel like time passing by now, a memory but it was just yesterday.

Intuitively, I suppose I always knew she would be important in my life. The times I spent with her were always so memorable and precious. At this time, I am so thankful for all of my friends at Date and Thyme that have held my hand through all of what I have been going through. Especially when it felt so overwhelming and scary. They were like a soft blanket on my heart. =)

God is good. I know that he is right there on the other side. I have so many questions... why am I going through this? I know the answer is to grow, but why is the growth so important? To serve better? Life and death. It is the scariest thing. It is the hardest thing to cope with.

RIP Anne 

please remember

May you listen to the voice within the beat even when you are tired. When you feel yourself breaking down, may you break open instead. May every experience in life be a door that opens your heart, expands your understanding, and leads you to freedom. If you are weary, may you be aroused by passion and purpose. If you are blameful and bitter, may you be sweetened by hope and humour. If you are frightened, may you be emboldened by a big consciousness far wiser than your fear. If you are lonely, may you find love, may you find friendship. If you are lost, may you understand that we are all lost, and still we are guided—by strange angels and sleeping giants, by our better and kinder natures, by the vibrant voice within the beat. May you follow that voice, for this is the way—the hero’s journey, the life worth living, the reason we are here. - Elizabeth Lesser

change, change, changeeeee.

Everything is always changing and evolving. My parents retired this past month and we had a surprise retirement party for my dad. It was a nice evening and I think my dad had a good time. It was really nice to see some of the ol timers, and my Uncle Phil even came down to be a part of the surprise. There were so many sweet memories and I'm pretty sure, I am still holding back tears. I even made a speech, which may have been one of my first public speaking experiences of my adult life! For the win!

We found out at the beginning of the month that William got into Montessori school and will start kindergarten in August. I am nervous and excited, as I am sure he is, as well. I go back and forth between "yay! I can't wait." to "nope, we aren't doing this. homeschool, all the way." But, in my heart, I believe that he is going to have a wonderful experience. I will miss him so much and having him by my side every day. But, it's time to change. It's time to evolve into a little school family and do #allthethings. I, sometimes, feel like the best part of my life is over... having these sweet moments with my newborn babies. =( But, I hope that many good times are ahead. I am so thankful that I had such an amazing childhood and that my parents were so amazing, because it has really shown me that all the things are possible. I can't wait for our first summer vacation and our first school Halloween party and all the friends and amazing teachers that will grace our path.

other than that, just business as usual! I started doing some "side work" of watching a baby and also, picked up a house cleaning gig for a few hours on Saturdays. Every little bit helps to get us through the slower months around town when the markets stop! But, still calling in all the cash for Nick's biz! One day at a time.

boy club

surprise!!

touch down.

I feel like I was lifted into the middle of a tornado, spun around and spit back out again. My body feels tired and weak. My mind is foggy and my eye lids are heavy. I feel confused and unable to think clearly. The last thing I wrote in my journal was that I was unavailable to have my stuff tossed on the ground and then boom. 💥 Tornado. Explosions. It has been about a year now that God decided to start rocking my boat.

I feel like I am in the life raft, alone and wondering if I will again find the solid ground beneath my feet. I am looking back on photos from the past few years, while I prepare something for my dad's retirement. The past five years has been really freakin hard. I am thankful to be alive and well, but I miss my family. I miss Nick. I miss happy times. I know that my family is here and I see them often, but I feel like I am always fighting a battle. With Nick, I bite my tongue so as not to say the wrong thing. I don't want to trigger a negative response.

I am exhausted. I don't know how to keep going.

Day 30 of 30.

My last day of the 30 day challenge. William and Easton. It has been a lot of processing the last 30 days. I think that most of it was processing a five year old William, trusting this process and just focusing on what is important. I chose this picture for the last day of the challenge. I suppose it is my greatest wish for my children... to know love, friendship and trust during their time here. I was so fortunate to have true guardian angels in my life, Easton's mama being one of them. It is just that gentle force of someone being there, pushing you forward and breaking the limits that we have put around ourselves. To live outside of the box. To be able to meet our fate when it comes before us. To know the whole spectrum of rainbow light. Cheers folks. 🍻

Day 29

Beautiful day yesterday at Ft. Zak!! We swam and played and had a really good time. William is swimming on his own and cannot get enough. But, it does freak me out a little to see his lil face underwater! Lots of mom panic these days. I am struggling, but dealing. PRAYING to find peace and positivity in all this. Him going to school is keeping me up at night. I am dying over here.

Day 29