snapshots

I am learning that life is full of fleeting moments, little bits that I could hold in my palm forever. It is no wonder that they say your life passes before your eyes when you die. I think I know some of the moments I will see. Yesterday, I came home to a Christmas tree standing on my porch. That moment, that half of a second was full of joy and surprise. The moments that followed were like the downward slope of a rollercoaster, I felt sad, confused, worried, scared. It amazed me how I could go from just experiencing pure joy in one moment, to such the opposite the next moments. This has been brought to my attention more and more lately. Life is long but it is made of these very special moments. I wish that those moments could last longer. I wish those moments could stretch into the time of always.

I find out today about this new job. It has brought many feelings with it, only the way that change can. I hand it all over to my higher power, because sometimes, it just feels like TOO MUCH. I have been experiencing a dull/excruciating pain in my right side. It feels like whole body is just aching. in this tight squeeze. I don't know what to do about it.

There is a new moon healing this week, using quartz bowls and sound healing. I think this could be really helpful for me, and I have never gotten to do something like it.

I will keep you posted on the happenings of the holiday season. We have an Elf on The Shelf coming! I am excited for this and hope it will infuse our holidays with a lil sumin sumin, that we could all use right now. I am excited to see his mischievous come out! What will he get into? The candy, the presents?! I can't wait to find out! =)

Love, Feryn

beautiful, beautiful life right now.

I did something kind of special today. I went and observed a Montessori classroom, well actually three Montessori classrooms. First it was toddlers, then little kids, and then big kids. It was so interesting. The setting is at a little wooden school where you walk into different little classrooms, upstairs and into these magical, little spaces. It was so amazing. My favorite room was the Kapok class, where a little, tiny girl said to me "welcome to the Kapok class." So sweet. It is upstairs so you really felt like you were in a little tree house. It was so sweet and amazing. The classrooms were beautiful, full of little plants and little things to learn with. I was amazed at every new turn. I saw a sign in Ms. Sally's class that said "get to know your brain" and while it was referring to the different parts of a brain, I couldn't help but think... "yea, this kind of is like my brain." lol. Little yoga sessions, painting, music, plants, humming. It was a beautiful experience.

 It is amazing how one can gain perspective when one reaches the other side of things. (I sound like Mrs. Who). I just feel so peaceful. I feel like who I am is not only ok, but amazing and wonderful and special.

But, as always. I surrender. I surrender to the greater good. I recently wrote in my journal about a sort of concept I am exploring. Unconditional love.

release

I wrote today for the first time in a while about my thoughts and feelings and it opened the flood gates. I have had this nagging feeling all day of wanting to do something and I know it was to write more.  Writing is like the key that unlocks my truest self. The hurt, the pain, the fear, joy, blessings and beauty.

Writing helps keep it real. It says this is what happened and this is how I feel about it.

My life, at the moment, seems to contain new and interesting events every. single. day. Every day I fight harder to love. Some days, I wish I didn't have to fight so hard to be here, in the moment. But, when I come to the moment, I recognize how amazing, sweet, and fleeting it is and I go somewhere else. To an unpleasant memory mostly. To distract myself. sounds crazy huh.

Fear and anxiety mostly rule my mind. I have been able to intervene with positive things, small changes to help, but I often feel that I am missing out on the best parts of my life by holding on to the past. I need to let go. I need to trust my partner. It scares the crap out of me. There is so much fear.

I think I have also been craving my meditation time. I didn't get to meditate today and my mind was craving that gap. That time of just sitting and letting the mind r-e-l-a-x. I am happy to say this. It shows change and it shows that I am TRYING.

We will see what tomorrow brings.

ps. william likes school and just had a test on his shapes. I miss him so much while he is gone and my heart longs for the moments when I get to see them again.

Nick is doing well. We are excited for the new season!

Me? I am okay. I am happy to welcome Fall and maybe some more rest and flow. Summer was an up leveling. I hope this season will be like the trees. Shaking off their old leaves to make room for the new.

Letting go.

Good morning ban pan.

Fall is here! There is a beautiful breeze outside and Halloween sightings around town. I could not be happier to welcome a new time of year.

With the new season upon us, I am sad to say that I am having trouble letting go of the last one. Much of the hurt that I have endured is still with me and I, often, wake up with a sad, confused heart. I don't  know why these things have happened. I can only imagine that it is only to bring me closer to myself and I definitely see my strength rising to the surface. I know I am much more aware of myself and the boundaries I need to maintain to live an authentic life.

Date and Thyme has had a visitor over the past 3 weeks named Rebecca. She is from Australia and she is staying with Charlie while she heals from the ending of her marriage. She, like me, has two children, both boys. And she talks to me from the other side of where I am now. I wonder often "Is this how my life will end up?". Nick and I have been through a lot that has left my mind in a place of deep uncertainty about him and us. When I talk to Rebecca and I say things like "I just don't know." She responds with... "yes, you do."

I believe that I know that I love Nick very much. I believe in us and that we can endure the hardships of life and partnership. A part of me wants to run the other way from this and not risk it. Not risk what could be the other side of this... divorce, wasted time... but the other part says... "take the risk."

Fall. Surrender. Let go. Make space for the new.

Peace and love banpan.

Stay.

I cannot seem to stop thinking about Anne. She is on my mind all day. I go through the motions of my day but I still see her face. I hear the words that were spoken about her at her celebration. I replay all of it over and over again. I believe it is all part of the grieving process. I am sure others are feeling the same way.

I think of all my friends at work and how much they have helped me in the past 6 months. I think of Ms. Sara, one of the SWEETEST ladies and her words at the celebration on Monday night. "Don't get stuck there, Sara".  I know where there is. I think of Gretchen's words... "Anne's courageous decision." Wow. What a way to look at this. I would have never thought of it like that. I am so glad that I attended the celebration and stood there with so many amazing people. I will never forget it. The amazing part was to know so many of them, now. It's so interesting the course my life has taken in Key West. When I graduated Key West High in 2004, never did I think Key West would turn into a place of such deep healing for me. Never did I think I would come to know the healers that I have come to know. It is so amazing.

Anyways, I miss you Anne. I will miss your face and maybe always secretly hope you will work through the door at Date and Thyme. I think of your words at your yoga studio during the few moments I shared with you and Beth... "I wish I could stay." Me too Anne. I wish you could stay too.

Peace, love, and light to all.

May the God of Love shine through all of our hearts each and every day.

seeing red.

There are so many good things happening in my life right now, after what has been a very difficult time. Just to recap... I had been talking here for a while about things between Nick and I, an invisible wall that I could not get through. Well, the wall crumbled on July 4th, 2018. He moved out. I saw it coming. It was the only thing left to do. It was the saddest, most difficult times I have been through, but I stayed positive and super grounded in faith and family. I leaned on others as the hurricane hit and passed us by. Today, we are back together, working as a team. We wake up early, William has now started kindergarten (he likes it!). I miss him terribly, but it all feels very natural and I am okay. I am so thankful for the time we had of nothing but each other. We still have that time and I hope to have more of it very soon.

It has been an adjustment period. A time of swallowing the lump in my throat over and over again. My brother and Alena moved to North Carolina. They are living in Graham and Amy's cabin. I worry about them, but I hope they will be okay. Like I said, it's a time of transitions.

On a super sad note, a lady that I know committed suicide yesterday. I knew her from Date and Thyme. It's so interesting how our lives unfold and you don't know in that moment how it is unfolding, or how a moment becomes a light in the dark one day. The ladies name was Anne. She was so beautiful! The first time I saw her, I was just in awe of her. She would come in during the week and I would say hello, and always feel in awe of her when I did. All those moments just feel like time passing by now, a memory but it was just yesterday.

Intuitively, I suppose I always knew she would be important in my life. The times I spent with her were always so memorable and precious. At this time, I am so thankful for all of my friends at Date and Thyme that have held my hand through all of what I have been going through. Especially when it felt so overwhelming and scary. They were like a soft blanket on my heart. =)

God is good. I know that he is right there on the other side. I have so many questions... why am I going through this? I know the answer is to grow, but why is the growth so important? To serve better? Life and death. It is the scariest thing. It is the hardest thing to cope with.

RIP Anne 

please remember

May you listen to the voice within the beat even when you are tired. When you feel yourself breaking down, may you break open instead. May every experience in life be a door that opens your heart, expands your understanding, and leads you to freedom. If you are weary, may you be aroused by passion and purpose. If you are blameful and bitter, may you be sweetened by hope and humour. If you are frightened, may you be emboldened by a big consciousness far wiser than your fear. If you are lonely, may you find love, may you find friendship. If you are lost, may you understand that we are all lost, and still we are guided—by strange angels and sleeping giants, by our better and kinder natures, by the vibrant voice within the beat. May you follow that voice, for this is the way—the hero’s journey, the life worth living, the reason we are here. - Elizabeth Lesser