30 day challenge.

Trying something a little different on here... Today is the start of my 30 day blog challenge! It is to inspire creativity and gratitude =) So, I am posting one outfit a day for 30 days, using only 30 pieces of clothing. Sounds fun! I don't really blog much about fashion, but this just feels like some good ol' fashioned (no pun intended haha!) inspired action! woohoo! So, today's outfit: VS v neck top, lularoe leggings and my nike tennies, jewelry (not pictured, but will be) by Made by Soto.

Day 1

photo cred: my little William

Love & Marriage

I still remember the first time I fell in love. I was 15 years old. It was the first time that someones eyes and mouth became magnets for me. That was the beginning. What followed was all encompassing. This was before I had heard about self- love and my brain was not involved. It was purely a matter of the heart and when I couldn't be with him, I felt like I HAD TO BE. My entire life revolved around him. Talk about 0 to 60. 

Love at the age of 15 became love at the age of 17. My first boyfriend left and my second quickly followed. This relationship would see me through college (or lack thereof) and it was a rollercoaster. I am still recovering even though this person is no longer in my life. I believe he was the door waiting to be unlocked. He would show me to myself. Again, this love was all encompassing for me. It was summertime and moon shine. 

My third love is now. It is trying to right my wrongs. It is knowledge and practice and perseverance. It keeps me up at night. It is the birth of my two children. It is my strength and my weakness. 

I experienced true love once, in a matter of moments. It was gone just as quickly as it came, like a rocket ship to the moon. It was a melody. It still makes my heart swell. It is from this experience that love was built. 

I want to feel happy in love and joyful. I want to feel committed. I want to feel open and free. I want to feel warm socks on a Christmas morning and the sparks of a New Years kiss. In love, I want to feel like even when I am alone, my heart is not. I want to feel safe and adored. 

I feel this with my partner now. He is the first person where I felt loved. With Nick, I love his hands. I love his arms. I love his warmth and his eyes. I love his hugs. They feel good. My heart feels very loved and supported by him. With Nick, I want to feel strong. I want to feel connection and trust. I want to feel like we are evolving and evolving together. I know that we are, "Even when it didn't show."  

I want to feel a partnership. I want to exchange glances over our children's' heads. I want to know that we are doing this, and we are doing this together. And we are in this together. I want family. I want sunsets. I want the ocean breeze to warm our cheeks. I want it all. I want the good stuff. 

I want to marry this man because "I know no other way then this." ... "Where I does not exist. Nor you. So close that your hand on my chest is my hand. So close that your eyes close as I fall asleep." My soul has found it's counterpart. I can only pray that he wants the same. I can only pray that we will always be together. I can only pray for us to hug through all of life's trials and tribulations. To hold each other when we need to. To BE together. He is my beloved and I am his. 

Marriage is eternal. It is the promise that I will spend this life with him and the next. 

"If I cared to imagine a heaven, I would imagine a door opening and behind it, I would find him there." 

**quotes- Tristan Prettyman, Say Anything; Pablo Neruda (xvii) I do not love you.. and last quote is from Cloud Atlas 9, spoken by Somni - 451.


To Charlie, thank you for inspiring me. 

5 more minutes.

joy.

Hello banpan.

How goes it? We are some major sickies over here and have been for about 8 days now. First William, then me, now Nick and maybe William again ( don't even want to say or think this). I have had some much needed downtime and time in my happy place (with my boys). I'm tired and sick, but happy with their sweet, little bodies now curled up next to mine.

I'm thinking of trying to shut up more lol. The reason is because nick and I had a huge fight the other night and I just could not find a place of love. I just felt like he hated me and everything he said was proof of that, when I think I missed the point entirely. Ugh. I don't know, sometimes it's so difficult for me to communicate effectively. I'm learning though, every day I'm learning more how to love better.

Things seem ok for now and I wish they could always be as sweet and tender as they are after a fight. I just feel glad that's he's still here. I wish I could always see things clearly and not let the chaos of my mind take me to crazy places. Sometimes, it just feels like SO MUCH. I think a big part of my 2018 will be detoxing from the people and things that do not serve me or bring me joy.

Tomorrow starts the retreat... Joy. A mindfulness workshop and its questionable whether I will be well enough to go. I really hope so, but I don't know.

Well that's all for now. Nicks home :)

some photos from my sick daze.

Pray.

ohhhhh 2018. what do i want to create? this question has sure brought in a lot of information! My answer now is to pray. My mentor, Charlie, told me to get down on my knees and pray about all of it. So, I did last night. It's been a while. I can remember being a little girl and praying and I started wondering how interesting it would be to hear a recording of all my prayers throughout my life. Talk about generating some serious self love.

I am debating over HAPPY INSIDE. But, there's a part of me that feels connected to Embrace Radiance, the same as Molly. The picture I have chosen as a focal point is of a woman sitting on a bed, getting ready for an evening. And she looks so beautiful and happy. She looks confident, yet reserved. I love it so much and I think it is ME in the future. Her hair is a bit shorter, but it is EMBRACE RADIANCE, personified.

I am doing a retreat workshop in about three weeks. I am super excited about it. I have been experiencing a lot of energy shifts in the past couple of weeks, which has led to an overall feeling of... not being on this earth. I, literally, feel weightless and kind of nauseous during my time at work. I know it's because I have a lot coming at me and my attitude of "go with the flow" isn't working anymore. I feel like it's time to be in charge of the flow, if possible.

I think there will always be things that are out of my control, but I can control things like, my anxiety by breathing. By taking a few minutes to ground and create an energy shift. I have seen it work with breathing exercises.

And I want to love myself. This is a big piece for me. I think it is starting to happen. I am taking notice of myself more. I am loving the sound of my voice at moments, or loving my response to something. I have always been SUPER critical of myself in social situations and not really just letting myself relax and enjoy myself. But, now at moments during work, I see myself shine through.

It's not easy when one creates an energy shift in their life. It really leaves you feeling like... ok, what do I care about? What do I enjoy? WHO AM I?

I'm sure that most of these questions come up when you go from being one person, to being a family.

We are doing it though. We are doing it alllll and praying a long the way.

"The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea."- Isak Dinesen

Soul Goals.

Hello,

Happy New Year. Part of my resolutions this year has been to create a vision board for 2018. It is actually a feng shui vision board! So fancy. I created a WHOLE one yesterday and then ripped it all apart =(

The truth is... I don't know what to create in 2018. I can't put my finger on it. I know I said my word was HAPPY. I do want this. But as much as I want to keep it simple, I want to go BIG! Because, why not?

Then. I think about a photo I saw at work the other day. It was on a piece of card stock paper, an advertisement for a gallery showing. And it's a picture at Ft. Zak. The grape leaves create a kind of frame and I don't recall being able to see the water. It gets me thinkin. Maybe this is my goal for 2018. Maybe it's so super simple. Maybe, it's just to spend more time in my favorite place with my loves. Of course, I would love a Disney cruise. I would love a perfectly organized closet in my dream home. But, maybe for 2018 it's just sweet and simple.

So, today I will re-create my vision board and (hopefully), put it on the wall. Where it will see me through my 2018. And I sure hope it brings more joy and happiness then 2017. More grace. More peace. love. reassurance.

And maybe a wedding? oh yea. a wedding. 👑

Also. I don't want to keep missing everything. So, Soul Goal: to have weekends off. To be a big girl. To be apart of IT. My life. Our life. To be a family. To be a apart of the business. I want it so badly!
I get scared to ask for these things. Why? I don't know. I don't want to mess it up.

 I just want to be with Nick and the boys more. I feel like I am missing things. When I went to select these pictures, there's pictures of the boys at the boat races. I missed this day. I missed Easton's party. This just cannot be how it is! =(

I really tried to make the best of 2017. But, my soul was crying. I tried (and am) to be grateful for what I have been given. To go with the flow. Work. Laundry. Take pictures. But, the whole time my soul was silently weeping. I am scared for it to stop. Because, then what? I can't deal with more of the same. I can't fight any longer. I'm tired of fighting, of resisting.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Well, we did it! We had a Merry, little Christmas and I am ex-hausted. It has been non-stop physically and emotionally. So much has been happening and all in all, it was a wonderful time of year. The boys had a great Christmas, complete with a visit to the big guy. I think we may have made a believer out of William. I think this will be my goal each year! To continue to make sure that he believes. Even in my adulthood, I believe in the magic of Christmas and the spirit of Santa Claus.

New Years has also come and gone and I have been reflecting A LOT. I feel like I made a lot of mistakes in love this year. I said things that I did not mean. I am on a voyage to love and the seas are rough. I am capturing glimpses. Moments in time that my soul is present and shines through saying "be here! look at this." But, I seem to be stuck somehow, somewhere.

I hope 2018 brings happiness. That is the word I have chosen as my one word and wish for 2018. HAPPY. The things that bring me happiness. That's all. Even if it's a clean home. May the work bring me happiness. May the journey bring me happiness. May the smallest things bring me the most happiness. And I want to focus in. And all  the things that do not matter, may the fade away. I ask that my vision focus in on the most important things. And the rest start to fade away, like drops of rain on a window sill.

It's a new year. One of my favorite times. I feel TRULY blessed to be where I am. To be alive. To be learning. To be on this path. THIS path. The one I have chosen through small moments and missed  flights. Through fucks given and rides driven. Through love. Through light. Blessed Bee. Hallelujah. Amen!

=)

my best nine.

love and light to all beings.

Happy New Year.