joy.

Hello banpan.

How goes it? We are some major sickies over here and have been for about 8 days now. First William, then me, now Nick and maybe William again ( don't even want to say or think this). I have had some much needed downtime and time in my happy place (with my boys). I'm tired and sick, but happy with their sweet, little bodies now curled up next to mine.

I'm thinking of trying to shut up more lol. The reason is because nick and I had a huge fight the other night and I just could not find a place of love. I just felt like he hated me and everything he said was proof of that, when I think I missed the point entirely. Ugh. I don't know, sometimes it's so difficult for me to communicate effectively. I'm learning though, every day I'm learning more how to love better.

Things seem ok for now and I wish they could always be as sweet and tender as they are after a fight. I just feel glad that's he's still here. I wish I could always see things clearly and not let the chaos of my mind take me to crazy places. Sometimes, it just feels like SO MUCH. I think a big part of my 2018 will be detoxing from the people and things that do not serve me or bring me joy.

Tomorrow starts the retreat... Joy. A mindfulness workshop and its questionable whether I will be well enough to go. I really hope so, but I don't know.

Well that's all for now. Nicks home :)

some photos from my sick daze.

Pray.

ohhhhh 2018. what do i want to create? this question has sure brought in a lot of information! My answer now is to pray. My mentor, Charlie, told me to get down on my knees and pray about all of it. So, I did last night. It's been a while. I can remember being a little girl and praying and I started wondering how interesting it would be to hear a recording of all my prayers throughout my life. Talk about generating some serious self love.

I am debating over HAPPY INSIDE. But, there's a part of me that feels connected to Embrace Radiance, the same as Molly. The picture I have chosen as a focal point is of a woman sitting on a bed, getting ready for an evening. And she looks so beautiful and happy. She looks confident, yet reserved. I love it so much and I think it is ME in the future. Her hair is a bit shorter, but it is EMBRACE RADIANCE, personified.

I am doing a retreat workshop in about three weeks. I am super excited about it. I have been experiencing a lot of energy shifts in the past couple of weeks, which has led to an overall feeling of... not being on this earth. I, literally, feel weightless and kind of nauseous during my time at work. I know it's because I have a lot coming at me and my attitude of "go with the flow" isn't working anymore. I feel like it's time to be in charge of the flow, if possible.

I think there will always be things that are out of my control, but I can control things like, my anxiety by breathing. By taking a few minutes to ground and create an energy shift. I have seen it work with breathing exercises.

And I want to love myself. This is a big piece for me. I think it is starting to happen. I am taking notice of myself more. I am loving the sound of my voice at moments, or loving my response to something. I have always been SUPER critical of myself in social situations and not really just letting myself relax and enjoy myself. But, now at moments during work, I see myself shine through.

It's not easy when one creates an energy shift in their life. It really leaves you feeling like... ok, what do I care about? What do I enjoy? WHO AM I?

I'm sure that most of these questions come up when you go from being one person, to being a family.

We are doing it though. We are doing it alllll and praying a long the way.

"The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea."- Isak Dinesen

Soul Goals.

Hello,

Happy New Year. Part of my resolutions this year has been to create a vision board for 2018. It is actually a feng shui vision board! So fancy. I created a WHOLE one yesterday and then ripped it all apart =(

The truth is... I don't know what to create in 2018. I can't put my finger on it. I know I said my word was HAPPY. I do want this. But as much as I want to keep it simple, I want to go BIG! Because, why not?

Then. I think about a photo I saw at work the other day. It was on a piece of card stock paper, an advertisement for a gallery showing. And it's a picture at Ft. Zak. The grape leaves create a kind of frame and I don't recall being able to see the water. It gets me thinkin. Maybe this is my goal for 2018. Maybe it's so super simple. Maybe, it's just to spend more time in my favorite place with my loves. Of course, I would love a Disney cruise. I would love a perfectly organized closet in my dream home. But, maybe for 2018 it's just sweet and simple.

So, today I will re-create my vision board and (hopefully), put it on the wall. Where it will see me through my 2018. And I sure hope it brings more joy and happiness then 2017. More grace. More peace. love. reassurance.

And maybe a wedding? oh yea. a wedding. 👑

Also. I don't want to keep missing everything. So, Soul Goal: to have weekends off. To be a big girl. To be apart of IT. My life. Our life. To be a family. To be a apart of the business. I want it so badly!
I get scared to ask for these things. Why? I don't know. I don't want to mess it up.

 I just want to be with Nick and the boys more. I feel like I am missing things. When I went to select these pictures, there's pictures of the boys at the boat races. I missed this day. I missed Easton's party. This just cannot be how it is! =(

I really tried to make the best of 2017. But, my soul was crying. I tried (and am) to be grateful for what I have been given. To go with the flow. Work. Laundry. Take pictures. But, the whole time my soul was silently weeping. I am scared for it to stop. Because, then what? I can't deal with more of the same. I can't fight any longer. I'm tired of fighting, of resisting.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Well, we did it! We had a Merry, little Christmas and I am ex-hausted. It has been non-stop physically and emotionally. So much has been happening and all in all, it was a wonderful time of year. The boys had a great Christmas, complete with a visit to the big guy. I think we may have made a believer out of William. I think this will be my goal each year! To continue to make sure that he believes. Even in my adulthood, I believe in the magic of Christmas and the spirit of Santa Claus.

New Years has also come and gone and I have been reflecting A LOT. I feel like I made a lot of mistakes in love this year. I said things that I did not mean. I am on a voyage to love and the seas are rough. I am capturing glimpses. Moments in time that my soul is present and shines through saying "be here! look at this." But, I seem to be stuck somehow, somewhere.

I hope 2018 brings happiness. That is the word I have chosen as my one word and wish for 2018. HAPPY. The things that bring me happiness. That's all. Even if it's a clean home. May the work bring me happiness. May the journey bring me happiness. May the smallest things bring me the most happiness. And I want to focus in. And all  the things that do not matter, may the fade away. I ask that my vision focus in on the most important things. And the rest start to fade away, like drops of rain on a window sill.

It's a new year. One of my favorite times. I feel TRULY blessed to be where I am. To be alive. To be learning. To be on this path. THIS path. The one I have chosen through small moments and missed  flights. Through fucks given and rides driven. Through love. Through light. Blessed Bee. Hallelujah. Amen!

=)

my best nine.

love and light to all beings.

Happy New Year.

Christmas 2017

Hello!

Merry (almost) Christmas! We are in full swing here, complete with lights, a christmas shrub (Key West ran out of trees this year!!!) and presents! Lots and lots of presents! This is the first year I have really been able to go a little crazy with presents and I think I have spoiled Nick! I don't know why, I just came up with ideas and they all seemed to kind of work out! He mostly took care of the boys gifts. I am going to do the stockings and ta-da! A happy, little Christmas morning will be born 🌟. I am non-stop until Christmas day from today forward. Tonight, we have a Christmas dinner. Tomorrow, seeing Santa. Friday, work party. Sunday, we will bake the cookies and Monday... we can't wait! I just have a few more things to do and then we are ready.

I am sooo ready for a new year. Supposedly, it is a major time of change astrologically and I think it is all going to be for the best. 2017 has been full of change and ups and downs. All in all, it's the sweet, simple moments that will mean the most, so I try and just soak them up while I can. I try to keep a mentality of loving what I have, while I have it. And if Hurricane Irma taught me anything, it's that anything can be taken away at any time. So, while that's a heavy burden to bear, the only way I can really survive knowing this is to take one moment at a time, find the joy and let it penetrate my soul. No big deal.

For now, it's Christmas music, spending hard earned money on others and just enjoying this feeling of joy. 5 days until Christmas!!

riding the conch train w my family

Tis the Season

Hello friends,

Seasons Greetings! I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving. We sure did. We had all the fixings and my brothers girlfriend came from Texas with her mom to meet us all. It was a nice time had by all. I am really happy and hopeful for them. They are a good couple and I would be really happy for my brother to find someone and I think she might be that one. But, we will see! 😉 In other news, I have been working my tail off at Date and Thyme. Trying to bring new ideas and my own fresh energy to the scene! It's going well with a few bumps along the way, but all in all, it's good. A little tiring and shakey, but good. Something new is forming, thats for sure.

Things are pretty much back to normal around here with lots of love and kisses and hugs. I am so grateful, though I am not where I want to be yet (ps. where I want to be is with a veil on and a certain"crowning" ring on my finger, ya dig.) So, ya. Trying to be my patient, little self until that moment because otherwise, I start to go crazy. I know it will happen, even though it feels like it is taking everything I've got to get there. Pain is love, baby. It sure does shake us to our core. Looking back, some days have felt so difficult. Like I wanted to scream and shout and tell this invisible force between Nick and I (or me and life?) to GO AWAY!!! But, as much as I huffed and I puffed, I could not blow it down. So, I am sitting still now. Waiting calmly for the storm to pass. There is a subtle mist left behind, just cold enough to keep me from feeling my love.

Patience, patience, patience. There are so many things that I am learning now. Light speed ahead. 💅

A little Christmas list that I put together for myself. Nick already got me the shoes! I can't wait to see them in person, they are so pretty!

ESFJ and more.

Well, after all these years, my personality type has changed. I went from being INJF to ESFJ (Extraverted Sensing Feeling Judging). I think I was maybe this one all along, but am only now more aware of myself and better able to answer the questions! Here is the link: ESFJ. I want to read more about it later! In other news, I am finishing up such an awesome book, Yoga and the Quest for the True Self.

It's an interesting time and I feel like I am changing. It feels like my mind is doing a garbage dump and like it is updating to a new way, more in line with my truth. I am doing a meditation tonight with Molly and am super excited about it. Just knowing I will see her tonight makes me feel like I can really take on the day.

Work life is not always easy for me and sometimes I have to really confront some uncomfortable feelings. But, I can feel myself expanding and I think my next step in life is going to be focusing on my creative self. There is a book I want to get by one of my favorite authors, Liz Gilbert. The book is called Big Magic and it is all about this subject of creativity and tapping into it! So, I will add this to my Christmas list or just gift it to myself =) Either way,  I feel excited for this next chapter that seems to be opening up before me.

Also, recently read a great message from one of my favorite's Danielle LaPorte about spirituality being like a quilt of all that we have gathered to help us feel connected to the Divine. I love this.

Peace, love and truth ya'll. ✌

"my quilt"

“for everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.

a time to be born and a time to die. a time to plant and a time to harvest. a time to kill and a time to heal. a time to tear down and a time to build up. a time to cry and a time to laugh. a time to grieve and a time to dance. a time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. a time to embrace and a time to turn away. a time to search and a time to quit searching. a time to keep and a time to throw away. a time to tear and a time to mend. a time to be quiet and a time to speak. a time to love and a time to hate. a time for war and a time for peace.

what do people really get for all their hard work? i have seen the burden God has placed on us all. yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end. so i concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can. and people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God.”

[ecclesiastes 3: 1-13]