healing

hello friends.

I have some extra time before going to bed, so I figured I would write a bit to clear my head. We have been in Boston for almost a month now. We are getting along fine and having success with many things, such as staying warm, toasty, happy and healthy! We have had many firsts in our time here already. William saw his first snow fall, had his first haircut, visited his first children's museum and ate his first REAL snow cone. He is saying a lot of new words these days... snow, boots, Nina, Mimi and Freddie are some of his faves and he goes through the whole list every morning when waking up. He has quite an appetite and is eating A LOT. This little boy loves Italian food and is definitely in the right home for it. We eat quite well and are never short of delicious food and treats. Our main project has been to get us settled and well organized. I really appreciate Nick's mom's help with all of this because often times, this task seemed almost overwhelming after our big move and baby #2 on the way. It definitely helps to bring in fresh perspective and ideas. I feel like my mind is so scattered sometimes, so to have someone who has organization and quick decision making as their strength is really wonderful.

Speaking of a scattered mind, this makes me a little sad to admit about myself. I feel that I have SO much on my mind that it's difficult to sort through. I am still thinking a lot of my family and trying to understand it all. I am trying to filter through so many conversations and take with me what I need and be done with the rest. It is hard when you feel like you no longer trust someone who you once trusted to lead you and guide you in life. It's a lot to deal with. I wish that I could just let it go and start fresh here in this new place with my loving little family. But, sometimes I hear my dads voice, plain as day in my head. It's a voice that always seemed to steer me and guide me, and now, it makes me angry, confused, and sad.

It's especially difficult for me because I once had such a great relationship with my family. They are the foundation from which I was built upon and to question them makes me question myself. I really love who I am and I know that a great deal of that is thanks to my parents, my father and mother for making me feel so loved and cared for.

After writing this, I realize perhaps it is all just part the healing process. To even be able to get in touch with gratitude towards my father is a huge step for me. I was unable to see past my anger for a long time, years, even though I did try. I do feel that being here, in Boston, in the winter, with only little signs of life here and there, is healing me somehow. Just like the little birds that come to visit our windowsill,  these little sparks of life are visiting me. And just like the bright. red cardinal sits, watches and waits patiently, so is the fire inside of me, waiting to ignite again. Good night friends.

Williams first haircut @ 20 months 

Boston, you're my home.

Hello banpan.

Would you believe me if I told you I was now living in Boston with Nick? So long ago, when Nick and I first got together, we planned on moving to Boston and starting our lives and family here. It was a dream that was so close to my heart because it was our first plan together. We wanted to be together and have babies together. Then, one thing after another and we ended up in Key West. But it always felt a bit sad, like our innocent, little dream had died. Until about a month ago when one thing after another went wrong with our move, with Nick's job, and ultimately, and sadly, my family. So we decided it was time to get out of Key West and come back to where it all began. And I must say, it gives me back something that I thought that I had lost. Being back in Boston gives me back a love for Nick that was so quickly taken away from me. I couldn't see him anymore. Our relationship was becoming full of negativity and while we will always stick together, we were losing what we had together. Both of us, going down with the ship. These words are hard to write. 

However, I am slowly but surely getting my life back. Days at a time, I find myself laughing and just enjoying our son and really paying attention to him and not being a million miles away, not dwelling on my family issues. I am feeling lighter and more inlove with Nick. I feel because I have more time to focus on myself I can really work on and change some of the things that I want to change about myself through practicing meditation, yoga, mindfulness, writing on my blog, and cultivating gratitude. I finally have the time to focus on me instead of others. I can be the best mom I can be and take care of my family. I have the energy to give to them instead of my parents and brother and all of their issues. I can only hope to create more space from them and continue to grow as an individual. 

I know this is the first time I am really talking about my family on here, but it helps to get it all out and to use this space to do so. I plan on starting my gratitude practice on here, starting today. One thing every day for 30 days. One moment of every day which is pure magic. Today's was one of the happiest moments of my life. 

I have been trying really hard to get William into a routine. Awake at a certain time, breakfast, lunch, nap, dinner, bath, bed. I want to create a really wholesome environment for him, full of warmth and comfort in our new home and new environment.  Tonight, Mary made a BEAUTIFUL dinner. She came out with it on a lovely serving dish, roast chicken, potatoes, rice, and asparagus. The steam was coming off of it. I was seated next to William, who was in his high chair and his face, when she brought out the food just lit up, and he said "wooooow!". He was so amazed at this plate of warmth and goodness in his Mimi's hands that she was bringing out just for him. And he held out his little arms to receive the whole thing. It was the sweetest, most genuine thing I have ever seen and I will never forget it. I am so grateful for that moment today and that steaming, warm plate of food for our dinner together. 

"love what is ahead by loving what has come before." - my yogi tea

hello blog!

I am trying to blog more often these days to get you all caught up after my recent hiatus. Eventually, I would like to try to be here a few days a week, keeping you all updated! It's also a great way to record all of  my memories and a place to come and reflect.

Well, I have yet to share with you, that we are expecting our second baby in April! The new baby is due just weeks before William's 2nd birthday. I am so excited and finally getting the "happy, pregnant, earth mama" glow that I adored having with my first pregnancy. It's the glow that makes me feel most connected with my true self. I have been feeling those wonderful little butterfly flutters in my belly and I know that our baby is safe and sound and hearing all sorts of wonderful little things. And feeling the occasional poke here and there from when their big brother wants to climb all over me! =) Nick and I have really been trying to introduce this whole "baby" concept to William and a part of me thinks that he gets it, but maybe is ignoring it for now! I know he will be an awesome big brother and super sweet with his baby brother or sister. We find out in only a few short days what we are having and it will be a big surprise either way! I can't wait to share another special moment like that with Nick, and now William.

Some more big things are happening here and we are getting ready to move. We will still be in our little island paradise, but moving to a new home and a new part of town. I am excited and nervous, but mostly just anxious to get this whole moving thing over with! I will really miss our home now and will always have happy memories here and think of it as our first home together, where we really came together as a family. We are moving to more of a "fixer-upper" with much work to be done, but it will be ours and we will be together, and that is all that really matters to me. Our new home will be filled with new memories and joy and laughter. I am looking forward to having a place to call our own!

Well, that's all for now! Just really wanted to catch you up on the happenings. Next, is Thanksgiving, moving, and then we get to see our Mimi and celebrate Nick's birthday! Love to all.

home is where the heart is

baby, its cold outside!

Hello,

We are having some really gorgeous weather down here the past few days! Yesterday and today have both been in the 60's, so we have had the doors open and been loving our "all natural air conditioning". It feels so nice being able to have the doors open. Today is sunny and lovely. My friend (and William's godmother), Natalie, is arriving from New York today for 2 weeks. I am excited to be able to spend some time with her. She is my oldest friend and we have been through a lot together. So, hoping for some good quality girl and baby time with her, Jessica and baby Easton. It is much needed! Everything is going well around here. I started a new daily meditations book called The Woman's Book of Courage. It offers really insightful meditations and right now, I am working on healing my inner child. I didn't quite realize how much healing needed to be done until I checked in with my eight year old self. Some good things are happening and I feel more peace of mind then I have in a while. I still feel very anxious over some things, mostly with William and being a mom. I am constantly hoping I am doing enough. A part of me (a much wiser part), knows that I am. I am just constantly hoping that he grows up to be a happy, healthy young man. He seems very happy and really loves his family. His family really loves him too, so that is important. I feel that we are all doing a good job of creating a loving and nurturing foundation for our special little boy. He is always greeted with smiles and love and always the center of attention. I hope his family is as important to him as mine has always been to me.

Speaking of family, I feel that there is much healing happening in this area of my life as well. There have been some rough seas with my family in the past couple of years, for many reasons. I feel that we are entering into a new chapter and can only hope for calm waters ahead. My family is so dear to me and their love and support mean a lot. It has always been  my dream to have a family that is close and happy to be together.

Well, thats all for now. Lots of love and warm wishes!

oldie but a goodie

mouth full of hot "choc-y"

carefully cheers'ing our hot chocolate

Good morning

Hello and good morning.

This day has started out good! My dad took William for a bike ride on his electric bike, so I have time to sit and relax. However, I am missing my coffee since we were out of milk. Hmmm, have to figure out a way to fix that. I hope today is a relaxing day since yesterday seemed rather un-relaxing. I want to play outside and enjoy this gorgeous weather we are having. I have had a lot on my mind recently, mostly concerning money and how I can make some. My ideas have really been narrowed down to three... 1)photography 2)making clothes 3)baking. I tried to channel my inner child and those were my favorite things growing up! And of course, playing house with my baby dolls. I definitely don't have to pretend that anymore! I have my real life baby doll and my real life prince charming, so we are good to go on that! =) I am trying not to stress too much on what I will do to earn money, but it is like this mystery to me that is just waiting to be solved! I think one day, whatever I do will turn more into spiritual work, whether that is yoga or massage. I can totally see myself being a yogi-masseuse and requiring trips to Bali for "research". =) Yup. Right up my alley. I don't know that I will ever be a 9-5 office girl. It just does not suit my need to get up and go. I would rather create. We will see! I still ask myself what I want to be when I grow up! There is so much out there. I really like the idea of designing and sewing, but I have no idea how to sew! I do, however, have a sewing machine that was given to me by my old neighbor in Coconut Grove. It just got fixed and I would love to learn how to use it. I feel that whatever I am supposed to (that is whatever makes my heart happy), will come easily and effortlessly. Hmmm, maybe in that case I am just supposed to hang out at the beach! Well, hope everyone has a nice day.

North Carolina 2014

p.s. I recently learned that my name means to get up and go! 

it also means adventurous & the land

and baker =)

So who knows. All apply =)

It's been a hard day's night.

Why if it's not one thing, it's another? I have decided to make this blog a place to vent. So, it may not always be pretty and positive, but it will be real and it will be mine. I feel like I have been to war in the past couple of months. I have been literally fighting a battle that culminated last week with physical illness. I was so sick, I couldn't keep anything in my stomach and felt drained and exhausted for about 4 days after. Life is so exhausting lately. I try to stay positive and to push on through to the light at the end of the tunnel. I see it. I know it's there.

The past 19 months have been the most trying of my life, the happiest but the most trying. The week William was born, a friend did a reading on both Nick and I. My reading revealed to trust myself and my instincts. I didn't realize at the time how often I would have to refer back to this advice. Over and over, "trust yourself, Feryn. Be still and trust yourself." I have had to come back to these words every time someone told me to stop breastfeeding when I didn't think my son was ready, every time someone told me I should put my son in day care and go back to work. People have A LOT of advice when it comes to raising children. I had heard this before giving birth but had NO IDEA! It has been very difficult to accomplish these two hugely important factors in raising my child, to let him self-wean and to stay at home with him but I have felt so strongly on both. I have to give myself credit for my newfound ability to smile and nod. Truthfully, it has not been easy but there is something in me like a shield that keeps blocking the bullshit, the stuff that does not matter. We have financial problems? We will get through it. William accidentally bit me and my nipple is killing me? Nurse through the pain.

I know one day, I will be able to better contribute to my family financially and one day, we will not have to pinch pennies to eat every month, but I will never get the time back with  my son. And you see, time is more important than money. We have been very fortunate to have help from family. Without which, I don't know what we would have done. I feel that I am doing the right thing by staying home with William and getting to teach him little things that I would not be able to if we were rushing him off to day care in the mornings. We have had truly precious moments as a family during this time, trying but precious and all have brought us closer together. I truly believe there is a bigger picture, one that we may not understand yet, but one where all of it is worth it.

I love you.

Boat hair//don't care

hello, hello.

Been thinkin about ya all week banpan! I really want to start blogging again. I have been pretty consistent on here for the past two years, writing on and off. But I find that I have so much to say and memories that I want to record. I have such a problem with my writing and sharing it with the world. I always grew up journaling, taking photos, and scrapbooking and blogging is a really great combination of all those things. I just find myself hitting a wall so often when it comes to sharing my feelings with the world. Fearing negative feedback or something or other. Kind of silly, I know since most of the people who probably read this are friends and family. I suppose I am also a fairly private person and so, sharing all of this with others is a little... un-private. I guess I just hope that my words and experiences can reach someone who they may help or someone is inspired by something they find on here! I don't know =) Maybe I just do it to give my eyes something pretty to see and know that I created! I usually just pretend that I am sitting down, writing a letter to an old friend, filling them in on my life ;)

Soooo.. Hello old friend =)

Things down here are good! Summer finally hit us this week and the afternoons have been very hot! We can only be outside for 20-30 minutes at a time and then have to come in to the ac and cool down! Unless water is involved! We swim, play with the hose, and yesterday we even got to go on the boat! It was such a nice day out at one of our islands, water was clear, sun was out, and temperature was just right. It was so refreshing and relaxing. I find that the boat is my happy place, where I can just totally unwind and relax. I love exploring, the wind in my ears, the beautiful ocean all around me. It's un-real.

So, we went out with my dad for the day and had a great time. William worked on kicking his little legs and took a few little waves to the face, but he handled it really well and I think he enjoyed himself. I hope he finds peace and solitude in his own little special way. Here are some pictures from yesterday. Thanks for being here =)

                                        Love, Feryn