We're After The Same Rainbow

Hello Banpan.

Where to begin? I'm tired today. The winter is really just exhausting me and doing nothing is even more exhausting right now then doing something, anything. I feel tired and bored and I just want to get out and go for a walk or something, but it's too dangerous for me to walk because there is ice everywhere and I have to be careful of falling! It really is quite crazy. I am trying to stay positive and use my "tools" as my friend, Angie would say. I am actually listening to a beautiful song right now, "Moon River", that just sang my mood. It was a song that had been appearing everywhere for me, so I figured I had better have a listen. What a gift of a song it is. Funny how music makes you feel like whatever you are feeling is okay. I have a tendency to try to talk myself into feeling happy, when I'm just not, and so today, I have given into my melancholy mood and will try to just relax and get through to brighter, sunnier days. My mama booked her trip to come visit in May for my birthday! I am glad she is coming and it will be nice to be around her. We will have fun! She wants to show me around her hometown of Providence, RI and while I have seen it, I have never seen it with her. It will be a really special time.

My pregnancy is moving right along and I have been buying things for Lucas. He will be here in about a month! I am happy and excited to meet him, but nervous in a different way than I was with William. With William, I was quite naive. Now, I am very aware of how intense labor can be and am nervous since I have been diagnosed with gestational diabetes. I don't want any complications. I try to focus on my strength and tell myself that I will be fine... everything will be fine. It is difficult to not feel anxious about it though. It sure is a roller coaster ride. But, I will continue to focus my energy on everything going smoothly and perfectly. And amen to that.

Oh, Boston winter. You have kicked my ass. I don't know if you were meant for me and no buts about it, no skiing down it, ice skating around it, snowboarding through it. You are FREAKING cold, to the bones cold. We have really braved it out and my gosh, William has been the biggest champ of all. What a wonderful little boy he really is. If he is happy, I am happy. Boston, Key West... where ever it may be. However, as Miss Audrey Hepburn sings in Moon River... "there's such an awful lot of world to see." And onward we go.

mama in her snow chair

snuggle buns

35 weeks

Well, here we are on the home stretch of what has been a rather long and strenuous journey. To add more on top of it all, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and have to see a diabetes specialist this week and learn more about what this means. Needless to say, I have been kind of freaking out. I have been doing a lot of my own research on healthy food choices and come across some really great food blogs. It is all one step at a time at this point, part of me is trying to stay cool, calm, and collected, the other part is just like "what the fuck. Really?". I mean it has really just been one thing after another, a move, a blowout with my father, a move across country (with a toddler, a dog, and a mini van), a tundra of a winter in New England, and now... gestational diabetes and worrying about my labor, the baby being too big, c-sections, the whole nine yards. I spoke with my midwife from home today who thankfully, put my mind at ease. She told me that lots of women get diagnosed with a mild case of gestational diabetes, not to worry. So, I will continue to eat healthy and think positive about my labor and the health of baby Lucas. There is only five weeks left of what has been, the second most difficult chapter in my life (the first, being away from Nick for one whole, long year). As long as we are together, we can get through anything.

So, here we go. Pushing forward onto the next chapter! Baby Lucas will be here in just five short weeks, which means we will be nesting around here and getting everything together! William seems to understand that something is happening and says "Lucas is coming. Brother. Friend." Yes, my sweet love. Brother, friend.

maternity photos @ 33 weeks by my love, playing outside in the snow with William and Jax <3

I wanna see you be brave!

Would you believe me if I told you I was cutting sugar out of my diet? Well, I am. I am on day two and my body is reacting in strange ways. I have been getting headaches and feeling nauseous and weak. It's crazy. I have read how addicting sugar can be, but didn't think that just by cutting out a few cookies a day would change the way my body functions. Right now, I am really just trying to detox from the stuff after my glucose tests came back high from the doctor. Apparently, this is a normal thing (which happened to me in my first pregnancy, as well) but I do feel like I eat WAY too much sugar and need to cut back. I don't ever see myself being a health nut and cutting out sugar altogether, but maybe indulge on special occasions or when something homemade and delicious is around. It has me a bit freaked out how terrible I have been feeling from just not eating it for two days. At first, I was very upset about my glucose tolerance test coming back high, but cutting out refined sugar is something I have been wanting to do anyways, so I am trying to see it as a positive and a way to  become more aware of the food I am eating. I am curious to see once my body has detoxed if I will feel better and have more energy. If so, this is a win for me because with baby #2 on the way, I need all the energy I can get! I have been replacing my cravings with fruit and it seems to be working okay. We will see how it goes and I will certainly keep you posted.

Other than that, we are covered in snow with bad weather predicted for the weekend. Some days, I mind, other days, I don't. Some days, I imagine the sunshine and how it feels on my skin and think I would dance around in it if I could only feel it for a moment. Today, I imagined myself in Key West, eating a fish sandwich outside at BO's fish wagon with cool sunnies on. What a lovely dream it is. I haven't been having much of an appetite the last few days, but when I imagine a fish sandwich in the sun, well, I think I could eat three! 

Some days, I miss Key West so much and it is all I can think about. Being so far removed now, I am forgetting everything I didn't like and remembering the things I loved. Days that were pure perfection, fishing with Nick on a cloud-like ocean, going for walks, warm hugs from friends. Ugh, it makes me almost cry now. I miss some things so much. I don't know what the future holds, but a piece of my heart will always be in Key West and I will always be an island girl, and Nick and William, my island boys. 

I am looking forward to Spring and Summer here, in Boston. The arrival of baby Lucas will bring a whole new meaning to my life and I can't wait to see William as a big brother and witness Nick with his newborn son once again. Spring will bring new life all around us and I am excited to experience the New England summers that I have been hearing about since I was a little girl, Maine lobster, Martha's Vineyard, the Cape, all a part of me that has been hidden until now. I often feel that my grandparents, from their heavenly thrones, brought me here to better know who I am and where I come from. A treasure hunt, if you will. It is thoughts like this that motivate me to be brave and power through. 

Well, thats all for now. Thank you all for your kind words and positive reinforcements. I couldn't do it with out you!

(ps. can't forget to mention that William first said "I love you" on Valentine's Day 2015!)

box of love from mama

Ups and Downs

Soo, I just deactivated my Facebook for the twentieth time. I am in a sad mood tonight and felt like for now, perhaps it will be best. There are things going on back at home that are weighing heavy on my mind and on my heart. I feel that, for me, some space and time will be best to really just be with my feelings and start to heal some of the sadness that has been like a dark cloud overhead.

I recently had a friend commit suicide back home. It is such a tragedy. He had a wife and son. I have known him practically my whole life because he and my brother started playing t-ball together when we were young. I find myself with William, drifting off to think of Gus and why he did this, how he could leave his son behind, and a million other questions I will never have answers to. Another sadness has been a little boy in the hospital. He can't be much older than William and today, I saw pictures of his mama laying in bed beside him, her baby covered in tubes. On the one hand, it teaches me to appreciate every moment with my son and never take one for granted. On the other hand, I am so overcome with sadness for this poor woman and her baby. Again, I am filled with questions... why is this happening to these people? I will continue to pray for the families and their loved ones but know that is all I can do. I hope it helps.

The winter is quite a time for introspection and with all this going on, introspection is inevitable. I feel happy and excited for the new life that we will welcome in the Spring. Some days, I do miss home. I miss the sunshine so much that my skin aches for it. Some days, I miss the Key West lifestyle, the food, the ocean breeze. These are all the beautiful things of my home. I am glad that I can remember them. I am glad that I am able to reconnect to the beauty of Key West because while I was living there, I lost touch with it.

I do love Boston. I love feeling like Nick and I are, sometimes, the only people in the universe. There is so much love between us and William, I could not ask for more. The days spent with them are the happiest I have ever had. Nick and I were given an overnight stay in the city for Christmas which we recently used. It was originally going to be a romantic getaway, but we decided a family trip would be better at this time, so we all went!  It was a wonderful time. The city was covered in about four feet of snow from the weeks prior and one snow storm after another. It was quite beautiful from our hotel room window, overlooking Kenmore Square. The people walking around, the cars zooming by, the city alive as always! Nick got to take us to his favorite restaurant, which was a real treat, Island Creek Oyster Bar. It was beautiful and sparkling and playing my favorite band. It was one of those heaven on Earth moments. The food was phenomenal and I tried my first Maine lobster, which tasted like a mix of sweet, delicious shrimp and succulent, buttery stoned crab. It was divine. I had a mock tail to celebrate the evening, which was a blend of house-made pomegranate juice and lemon and a real thrill to my taste buds. I tried to sip it and enjoy. but easily could have downed the whole thing because of how yummy and refreshing it was! For dessert, we had chocolate panna cotta, to go =) William was such a champ during the whole evening and was really a pleasure to have a long. I think Nick and I both agree that while we do sometimes wish for a romantic evening for two, William always brings so much joy and love to the table. Quite literally. Good night all.

cheer me up chocolates

the little boy who always makes me smile

gazing out the window at Kenmore Square

self-portrait Queen B

one with my love 

chocolate panna cotta xxoo

First Family Trip to Boston!

Hello friends! 

Well, we had our first official family trip into the city! I love being able to say those words... the city =) It makes me feel so happy and alive! It was a great day and one for the memory books. We started with lunch in Chinatown at a quiet little restaurant, where we sipped on green tea and ate delicious food. William practiced using his chopsticks, which turned into one of my favorite photos ever. I feel so excited for him that he is getting to experience all of these new things! We stuffed ourselves on Chinese food, stuffed ourselves even more on pastries and then! my favorite part of all, headed to the New England Aquarium. It was the most amazing place. There were so many different types of animals, my favorite being the sweet, sweet seals that rubbed their back on the glass and whose little whiskers made them cute enough to kiss. The rest of the aquarium was like being in another world. It was dimly lit, except for the bright colors protruding from behind the glass tanks. Neon colors of blue, green, pink, purple, and yellow all drawing you in to stand and stare into the underwater world. It was magnificent. There were scuba divers swimming in the HUGE cylindrical tank that started on the first floor and went for FOUR floors, containing fish of all shapes and colors. My favorite fish was the queen angel. I saw her swim by once and I knew right away she was special, then Nick told me her name... the queen angel, of course she was. There were touch tanks for kids and the staff was AWESOME about introducing the wildlife to William. He was skeptical at first, but she allowed him to be gently guided into eventually (ok, almost) touching a sea snail. He did touch the water though! =) Which, he exclaimed was "cold!". He really liked that. My favorite moment had to be when I was walking out of the touch tanks to find Nick and William, perched in front of the giant cylinder tank. William was perfectly silhouetted against the blues and greens of the tank. I literally gasped in excitement at this perfect moment and snapped a picture, which is below. It has to be one of my favorite photos of him. I will love and cherish this day forever. I hope Nick knew how special it was to me that he took us there (I must have thanked him 20 times!). Well, couldn't wait to share. And can't wait to tell you about my adventure into Providence, Rhode Island (where my mom is from!). It's a very special place. Good night all. 

not so sure about that turtle! but look at that face, getting to be such a big boy!

healing

hello friends.

I have some extra time before going to bed, so I figured I would write a bit to clear my head. We have been in Boston for almost a month now. We are getting along fine and having success with many things, such as staying warm, toasty, happy and healthy! We have had many firsts in our time here already. William saw his first snow fall, had his first haircut, visited his first children's museum and ate his first REAL snow cone. He is saying a lot of new words these days... snow, boots, Nina, Mimi and Freddie are some of his faves and he goes through the whole list every morning when waking up. He has quite an appetite and is eating A LOT. This little boy loves Italian food and is definitely in the right home for it. We eat quite well and are never short of delicious food and treats. Our main project has been to get us settled and well organized. I really appreciate Nick's mom's help with all of this because often times, this task seemed almost overwhelming after our big move and baby #2 on the way. It definitely helps to bring in fresh perspective and ideas. I feel like my mind is so scattered sometimes, so to have someone who has organization and quick decision making as their strength is really wonderful.

Speaking of a scattered mind, this makes me a little sad to admit about myself. I feel that I have SO much on my mind that it's difficult to sort through. I am still thinking a lot of my family and trying to understand it all. I am trying to filter through so many conversations and take with me what I need and be done with the rest. It is hard when you feel like you no longer trust someone who you once trusted to lead you and guide you in life. It's a lot to deal with. I wish that I could just let it go and start fresh here in this new place with my loving little family. But, sometimes I hear my dads voice, plain as day in my head. It's a voice that always seemed to steer me and guide me, and now, it makes me angry, confused, and sad.

It's especially difficult for me because I once had such a great relationship with my family. They are the foundation from which I was built upon and to question them makes me question myself. I really love who I am and I know that a great deal of that is thanks to my parents, my father and mother for making me feel so loved and cared for.

After writing this, I realize perhaps it is all just part the healing process. To even be able to get in touch with gratitude towards my father is a huge step for me. I was unable to see past my anger for a long time, years, even though I did try. I do feel that being here, in Boston, in the winter, with only little signs of life here and there, is healing me somehow. Just like the little birds that come to visit our windowsill,  these little sparks of life are visiting me. And just like the bright. red cardinal sits, watches and waits patiently, so is the fire inside of me, waiting to ignite again. Good night friends.

Williams first haircut @ 20 months 

Boston, you're my home.

Hello banpan.

Would you believe me if I told you I was now living in Boston with Nick? So long ago, when Nick and I first got together, we planned on moving to Boston and starting our lives and family here. It was a dream that was so close to my heart because it was our first plan together. We wanted to be together and have babies together. Then, one thing after another and we ended up in Key West. But it always felt a bit sad, like our innocent, little dream had died. Until about a month ago when one thing after another went wrong with our move, with Nick's job, and ultimately, and sadly, my family. So we decided it was time to get out of Key West and come back to where it all began. And I must say, it gives me back something that I thought that I had lost. Being back in Boston gives me back a love for Nick that was so quickly taken away from me. I couldn't see him anymore. Our relationship was becoming full of negativity and while we will always stick together, we were losing what we had together. Both of us, going down with the ship. These words are hard to write. 

However, I am slowly but surely getting my life back. Days at a time, I find myself laughing and just enjoying our son and really paying attention to him and not being a million miles away, not dwelling on my family issues. I am feeling lighter and more inlove with Nick. I feel because I have more time to focus on myself I can really work on and change some of the things that I want to change about myself through practicing meditation, yoga, mindfulness, writing on my blog, and cultivating gratitude. I finally have the time to focus on me instead of others. I can be the best mom I can be and take care of my family. I have the energy to give to them instead of my parents and brother and all of their issues. I can only hope to create more space from them and continue to grow as an individual. 

I know this is the first time I am really talking about my family on here, but it helps to get it all out and to use this space to do so. I plan on starting my gratitude practice on here, starting today. One thing every day for 30 days. One moment of every day which is pure magic. Today's was one of the happiest moments of my life. 

I have been trying really hard to get William into a routine. Awake at a certain time, breakfast, lunch, nap, dinner, bath, bed. I want to create a really wholesome environment for him, full of warmth and comfort in our new home and new environment.  Tonight, Mary made a BEAUTIFUL dinner. She came out with it on a lovely serving dish, roast chicken, potatoes, rice, and asparagus. The steam was coming off of it. I was seated next to William, who was in his high chair and his face, when she brought out the food just lit up, and he said "wooooow!". He was so amazed at this plate of warmth and goodness in his Mimi's hands that she was bringing out just for him. And he held out his little arms to receive the whole thing. It was the sweetest, most genuine thing I have ever seen and I will never forget it. I am so grateful for that moment today and that steaming, warm plate of food for our dinner together.