trust.

 Hello hello!

I am writing first thing in the morning, behind tired, sad, weary eyes. While in my heart, I am always thankful for all that I have. My children, that they are healthy and happy, my home, a roof over my head, a loving partner, that I still have my parents and my family. However, I am going through something right now that I can't quite put my finger on. Deep, inner pain. Feelings that are so dark and scary, I can't fully feel them. It's like waves crashing over my own head. Feelings of loss, and feeling like I truly, will never be good enough. I will never be worthy of love, or friendship. That I am making all the wrong choices. That I am not a good enough mother. I have been saying prayers in my head, over and over again to get through the last few days. I had a difficult night over this past weekend and had to survive an even more difficult day- after. Just being so deep in the trenches of unworthiness. Trying to find that voice, deep inside that still says "no, I am good enough." But you know what is there? A silence. A peace that is hearing all of this, all of these voices and just watching. An inner stillness. It is the seat of awareness that is watching all of this play out. And let's hope that it does. Play itself out, I mean. I struggle with this inner work because at the same time, I wonder "am I being present enough with my outer world?", "do people know I care?'. I spend so much time "in meditation", that am I witnessing all of my gifts?

I guess it all comes down to trust. Trust, ultimately, in my Heavenly Father. And that I truly am his child, being looked after and cared for. It always brings me home. I long to connect deeper and deeper and deeper. My journey of faith has been truly unique. Things that I never thought would be a part of it, have been. And my job is to keep coming home. 

On top of all this, I must discern every day. Right and wrong. True or false. However, something comes to mind while typing this. The words of my friend, Charlotte, what if there is no right or wrong? That is a very powerful idea. But, it is things like this, that I can lean upon when I am in the dark of the night. No right or wrong. I feel entrusted to be on my own right now. Leaving Date & Thyme has been like ripping off a band-aid all over again. The voices who were constantly loving me are no longer accessible in the ways that they once were. So, it is just me. Me and my thoughts a lot of the time. I don't know if this is good or bad? But, either way, I have been blessed with a new baby to look after, so that is what I do. In the  meantime, I try to stay attentive and loving and present. 

It is a heavy toll on the mind. To feel such responsibility. I enter into this week, with that as an intention... to calm the mind. To live in the heavy peace of the now. And with the question of how? How do I find that quiet in my own mind, and lay all of these racing thoughts to rest? 

So much love. - Feryn 

ps. don't forget that love is on your side. 

Good morning!

 Hey banpan fam!

How goes it? All good over here. The boys successfully started school a week ago today! We are doing great! Lucas was not so sure at first, but has well adjusted. They are in the same class, and I am so happy about this. They even have a baby in their class, which is so good for them at this point in their lives. I can't believe William is in third grade. I looked at him yesterday and was just shocked how big he is getting. He is such a sweet, little boy and I hope we will always be as close as we are now. I started a little business, Key West Bookkeeping. It is a good way for me to make money from home. It is fun and engaging. I am learning as I go and who knows? Maybe it will turn into something more one day. We are almost to the end of summer! There is a breeze in the air that always reminds me of the crispness of Fall. I have been thinking a lot on some things, just kind of the events of my life. I feel like I am coming through the end of a long, dark tunnel. Internally, life has been good. Things with my family, we have always stayed close. But, my personal experience. This time of year, I am reminded of September 11th and the feelings of that day. I remember my brother telling me later it was the first time he ever saw my dad cry. 

I often remind myself how grateful I am that I was born into this country and this experience. There have been many lessons along the way and "mistakes" that made me wonder who I am as a human being. Forgiveness has been my greatest teacher and friend. Forgiving myself when those thoughts of the past come up. I know they are showing the shadow so it can come forth into the light. So, I must learn and continue to practice thanking them and allowing them, and inviting them towards peace and understanding. So, that's just a bit on my own personal journey. 

Wesley Shoal Soto is doing great. Born on June 27th, my labor pains started at 3:00 am and Wesley arrived at 2:27 pm. Our time in the hospital was brief and he was born a happy, healthy boy. I am so grateful. Looking back, my pregnancy was such a time of change for me. It was a major practice of letting go and surrender. I know that none of this would be possible with the presence of God in my life, that is what I truly believe. At the end of the day, I always come home to my Christian beliefs. I have been hesitant to claim this "title", as a Christian. But it is who I am. I must accept it and work with it, constantly. But, I have come to see it as a gift. When I was young, it didn't matter. I didn't need the title, it just was. I know that God has put every single thing into my life as a teacher and to answer my questions I have about who "he" is and how I came to be. 

So, just some thoughts. I know I can always share freely here. Peace banpan. 

one of the first photos of us as a whole fam

Also, want to mention how Lucas is the best big brother in the world. He loves Wesley with all of his little heart. They both do. Lucas however, is very much in love and always wanting to hold the baby. He lays with him every chance he gets and always welcome us with a big, huge smile when he gets home from school. Am I the luckiest, or what?

Counting down.

 Greetings from June (pregnant) in Key West. Holy Heat. We have 19 days until expected due date. I am tired and hot. My sleep schedule is completely out of whack, I am starting to forget what day it is, and did I mention it's hot? lol. I mean, sometimes, it's gloriously hot and other times it's omg can I catch a break, it's hot. I have only had a few meltdowns in preparation for the baby, so I would say "hey, we are doing pretty good." I am excited to meet him, not excited for labor. It's a very emotional time, as you can imagine and I feel. somewhat out of touch with reality apart from my doctors appointments. 

I have my baby shower this Saturday and I am excited for that. I have a new, pretty outfit and hope to just have a nice time. It's a time to celebrate this little boy, so for that, I am grateful. My friends are super sweet to do this for me. As far as home prep and nesting, we have come a long way and I have only been slightly OCD about it all. It's coming a long though and I think we will be ready for baby when he comes. Say some prayers for me and my sanity, please. 

William and Lucas are doing great. They are my best, little buds and I am so thrilled to have them. I have been having vivid dreams lately and last night/this morning I was kind of lucid dreaming about Lucas and started chuckling in my sleep. lol it was really funny and amazing. They both make me so happy. I enjoy being their mom very much. 

So, yea we are just taking everything one day at time. Enjoying home cooked meals and time in Key West that feels like summer time. It's a beautiful thing. Mimi will be here in 11 days to support us during the next phase of our lives and I am so grateful. It feels wonderful to know she will be here. Anyways, love to you all. 

Wesley Shoal Soto - 36 weeks

Homestretch.

 Hello angels!

It is May 4 and I am about two months away from the end of my pregnancy. At this point, I have stopped working my regular schedule and am mostly tying up loose ends with date & thyme and working from home for one of my very own bookkeeping clients! Woohoo. Go team! I have had a complete upheaval with "cutting the cord" of date & thyme. I hate to say it, but I feel perhaps my time with date & thyme has come to an end. My plan now is to focus on being home with my baby. Tomorrow, I meet with someone at the college to possibly take a class in the Fall. It is an accounting class that I can use to start to lay the groundwork for my very own bookkeeping business. Lots & lots on my mind these days. I have to love myself through all of it, through all of the searching because I know I am only trying to create something to better myself down the line. 

I feel it would be really good to have to a small business to work on once Wesley gets here. All I can do is try and hope that the universe will match me where I am. I don't want to take on too much. However, I want to do what I can while I can. I am super nervous to go to this advising appointment tomorrow because it is the reopening of a book that I want to slam shut and burn. The college book. But that energy is fear and I choose faith. I choose grace. 

I am really diving into the spiritual these days, with much more time on my hands then I have had in years. My home is getting lighter and brighter, I am resting. I am eating food that I love. I am trying to constantly shift into gratitude and out of fear and funky energy. My relationship with my family is the best it has been in years. I am healing. I am truly, truly healing. 

So, my divine, I don't know if I will be back before the baby comes but please keep me in your prayers for a safe and healthy delivery of baby Wes. I can't wait to see him. Omg baby. I love you all. Keep it real. Keep the faith. And most importantly, keep going. 

Moving on.

 Good Morning. 

It's a windy March morning here in Key West. Nick has had markets all weekend, which currently, leaves us stuck at home with no transportation. Deep breaths. Patience. Ugh. This too shall pass. 

Well, I am five months pregnant with our third son. I would like to name him Wesley. It has been a whirlwind. I am grateful and excited to meet him. At the same time, nervous for the future. I will stop working and primarily be working from home here and there. My plan is to start a bookkeeping business, which will allow me to work from home to be with the new babe. A new adventure is upon us. Wish me luck and good fortune. I will definitely have to find things to do, but with the state of the world and the changes that have occurred during this time, it will be unlike my other experiences with the babes. I would love to think of joining a play group, but the Corona virus is still a part of our reality and it doesn't feel safe to bring a baby out into the world at this time. One day at at time. 

The next thing to get through is labor. Something I dread every morning upon waking up. Like my friend Beth said, however "it is what you make of it." So, I will try to shift my perspective to be an experience that will bring me to my baby. A light portal that Nick and I will walk through. It really brings up so many things for me. It's a question of faith and guidance and support. Who will walk me through? It is a voyage of the mind, body, and soul. To be in such extreme pain, I have to fix my mind on a single point. The mind has to stay focused or the waves become more powerful then you. I think it will be important this time around. 

During my last labor, my mind was all over the place. On the nurse, on the experiences I had gone through that previous Winter. So much pain with Nick. Doubt and fear. I want this time to be different. I have heard one woman describe her labor as surfing waves with Jesus. This sounds incredible. And fun =)

What else? Well, my parents sold their house and are in the process of moving. No more childhood home. It is tough to put this experience into words. It is the closing of a chapter. Maybe the closing of an entire book and the start of a new one. This home was so tied into my identity. Key Haven and our beautiful home. My story. How far my family had come. How we persevered. How we built it. It is my entire past. My entire history. And now, the book has closed. I am sort of left here, holding the book and looking around at what is actually in front of me. A little lost because "which direction do I go?" a little excited because... I get to choose. And peaceful because... hey, I know this place. And curious, which way feels best? Something new is up ahead. The soul is sturdy and has been built. Now, it gets to truly experience itself and the beauty that has been created. 

So... onward with peace in my heart. Gratitude at the core of everything, always. Life's lessons as building blocks and learning experiences to draw upon. I will keep you posted! Love always. 

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

1 year later (in quarantine).

Hello =)

wow. almost one full year has gone by since my last post. Tomorrow is Mother's Day 2020! We are under quarantine from a pandemic that came through a few months ago. It has been a very difficult time as our government has been under serious scrutiny for not handling things properly (what else is new?). Usually, I try not to dive too deep into politics, but it has been somewhat unavoidable this time around. My heart has been aching for what is going on in this country and my eyes have been opened to the way things are handled. I am very grateful to be who I am and where I am at this point in time. God has graced me in so many ways. I try to stay focused on this while I feel deeply what others may be going through and as a mother, it weighs heavy. I offer prayer and compassion for the people who were born under difficult circumstances.

Oh Mother's Day, yet another day we have invented that sometimes, makes me feel like bleh. While I will soak up the love I receive on this day and will try to (under quarantine conditions) show my own mother how much I love and appreciate her. I am pulled in many directions right now as the country tries to re-open with the threat of a virus lurking about. I have worked through these conditions at Date & Thyme and it definitely takes a toll on my own mental health. I am tired and worn down. We wear a mask all day at work and many offer their own opinions and thoughts on the matter to me. I try to stand the middle ground, but I, like a sponge, soak it all up. Over the past several weeks I have felt determined, empathy (as many lose their homes and jobs), tired, worried, scared, and confused all while trying to maintain a positive attitude with others and especially in my home and towards my children.

We had two quarantine birthdays! lol! April brought another trip around the sun to both my boys as they turned seven and five. William is finishing out 1st grade in virtual schooling and Lucas will start kindergarten in the Fall (real or virtual, I do not know?). There is talk of canceling Fantasy Fest this year as they predict that the virus may make a comeback in the cooler temperatures of the Fall.

And all the while, my mind races to keep up with what is and what will be. I see so many areas of my life changing. I find I am no longer willing to keep up with everyone else, but have to speak my own thoughts and feelings. I am somewhat unwilling to continue to go the speed that I was going before this all happened. I crave time at home and have been working hard with Nick to do things around the house. Our home is coming together and has an all around better feeling being here. There is still some big projects to do, like re-do the back deck, but we got a little pool for the boys back there which is transforming our backyard space and making it somewhere we actually want to be. The good, fun vibes were so needed after burying Jax back there last April =(

I know nothing else but to keep on going, even on days when I don't want to DO ANY OF IT ANYMORE. I often wonder, where is this all headed? Will Nick and I ever have the family business that we once dreamt of or is that too taking on a new form? Looking back, I can see why I needed to stay at Date & Thyme and receive the nourishment that it has to offer. It is a good outlet for me and I like to have money to show for it. I do not know where this will all lead as once upon a time, my goal was to just take the boys to Disney, Legoland, all the places! Will these places even re-open? What will I feel about going to a place that is a melting pot of people and ... germs. I do not know, but as for today, we are doing ok!

How I spent my Summer (part 2).

Hello beauty!

How I spent my summer... part 2. This was a good summer, full of the sweetness that only summer time can hold. We boated with friends, spent time with puppy, went to the movies, slipped and slided, and pool hopped! I can't believe it's over, like where did the time even go? I have lots of great pics to share!

This summer was a sort of passing through for me after last summer. I knew I was going to have those triggering moments of when things got difficult last year, and I did. But, I kept pushing through to the other side and kept trying to return to love. It has been an especially difficult few months after losing Jax.

But, I think we are on the upward and that everything is going to be ok. William is now in first grade and he is doing fine. It is taking some getting used to, but we made a new friend in his class, Noah. I adore his family and look forward to more time together.

So, June brought the concert and the major heat! July brought a visit from Brendan, fireworks, movies, and boating. August, a boat day with the Robinson's (getting knocked out with the flu), and back to school.

The boys are getting a long well. William's new teacher is very nice and he is a sweet little boy, who everyone seems to adore. Both boys are loving their puppy, Ollie. They are very sweet with him and snuggle him every chance they get. Lu is so adorable and just my little sweet pea right now. He is my little sidekick and has all the kisses for mommy.

And it's all just flying right on by! Next will be Halloween and the Fantasy Fest activities! I will update with all my favorite summertime photos ASAP!

sprouted a lychee tree this season! 

swimming at the community pool! william took a swim test (and passed)!