My son.

Dear Lucas,

I feel compelled to write to you today, as we are nearing the day that we will soon meet. I want you to know how much I love you already. I know that this pregnancy has been very difficult for us. A lot has changed since the day we found out we were having another baby. You have been so strong and given me something wonderful, and positive to focus on through it all. I have worried a lot, especially once we were diagnosed with gestational diabetes. But, we are powering through that as well and you are growing and we are healthy and that is all that matters! Parts of me feel bad that I have not been able to give to you the attention that I was able to give in my first pregnancy. With the move, being in a new place, and keeping up with your big brother, I feel like some days I just don't have enough time in the day or my mind is preoccupied with a million different thoughts. But, you never fail to let me know you are in there with a gentle nudge when you hear the drums or your brothers voice! I don't talk to you much, but you hear our voices all day long and I think you would prefer the chatter because it's always fun and happy! My hand is always by your head (or your heart, I'm not quite sure) and I feel our sweet connection already.

Although, I have not met you yet, I feel like I already know some things about you. I think you are going to be a very sweet, active, fun boy! Your name, Lucas, means "light" and I think this is exactly what you will bring to our family! I feel that you are going to be a best friend to your big brother, William. I think you boys will have a lot of fun together! I am so grateful that William will have you as his brother. I know that he will love you from the start and he is a good person to have love from! We all love you so much Lucas! I am so proud of you for being so strong with me through all of this and I cannot wait to meet you! Until then, we will rest and get ready for our next journey together, which is bringing you into this world! I pray that all goes well and that you are healthy! I love you my son. You complete us!

Love, Mom

we love you and can't wait to meet you! love, your family! (about 6 months pregnant)

Tapping my heels together.

It's funny, I have a friend here who sometimes asks me questions about Key West. He will say things like... "well, you guys don't have a Spring do you?". I will pause for a moment to think about the answer... "well, no things are always blooming." Thinking to myself how true this is... the Poinciana trees bloom in Spring, Bougainvillea bloom in Winter, Frangipani's bloom in Summer... there is always something blooming! The thought had never even crossed my mind. What a beautiful thing to have a year round Spring. Another question he recently asked... "Well, what do you do when it's hot? You must have to stay indoors." Hmmm... "Well, we go out on the boat. Or we swim in a pool with lots of shade." Another thought that made me want to teleport myself out of this Boston Winter.

Soooo.. I decided to take a day trip to Key West today (in my mind). =) It really kind of felt like I was there! I miss home so much. It's funny how you don't realize what you have until it is gone. I have a whole new appreciation for Key West now that I have left and a lot of love for the life that is offered to us there. I think Nick and I both are truly island souls and it is something that we have passed onto William. Although, there is not much opportunity there, I do feel like for us, locals, there are opportunities for us that are not available to others. It comes from knowing people and people knowing us and having an understanding of the place that is difficult for others to comprehend. The culture becomes a part of you, the laid back lifestyle is ingrained in us, the ocean... it runs through our veins. There is just something about this quirky home of mine that is hard to get out of my system. I have left several times and always come back. I do hope to be able to make Key West my official home one day. I know right now is not that time and I am okay with that. I think it is important for me to experience a new and different way of life that I am experiencing here in Boston. I think life led me here to see things from a different perspective, which I am finding every day. I am realizing how truly BLESSED I am to be an island girl, to have been close to my mom and have her a part of my every day life while we are still on this earth together, and to call Key West my home when others can only dream of it. Well, thats all for now. Until next time Cayo Hueso, this girl is dreaming of you and has you in her heart <3

Inspiration

Starting today of with some Boston Springtime inspiration! I can't wait to see the water, wander the city, visit the Gardens and sit outside on a terrace, eat delicious food and cheers Nick to all we have accomplished in the past few months! We have really persevered through some of the most difficult times of our relationship and I can't wait to reach the other side of it all. I know we will get there, just like I know Spring will get here too! It's all just a matter of time. It has been a difficult road getting to Boston, and even more difficult actually being in Boston through New England's worst Winter to date (most snowfall everrrrr!). At the beginning of our move here, Nick's aunt, Donna, sent me a little magnet with a quote, which has stuck with me through every moment... "You can either give up, give in, or give it all you've got." I can't even tell you how much these words have given me strength and encouragement through the past couple of months. Not only do they help me to keep moving forward, but they help me to feel like a seriously bad ass female when I tell myself.. "I choose to give it all I've got." So thank you Aunt Donna! And thank you Boston, for being such a beautiful city to call our home! 

Home stretch

Hello loves.

Well, today I can officially say I am over winter. The sun is shining and it looks so pretty outside, but the wind is blowing hard, making it really cold! It's just not fair, March is supposed to be SPRING!! I am trying to keep myself busy thinking about baby Lucas and trying to stay positive, but this girl needs some serious outside time where my fists are not clenched in a ball and my body shivering, I mean come on! 

We are getting things done around the house. We cleaned out a room for the babe it looks nice and clean and bright, almost ready for his arrival, which is in two short weeks. I am so excited and terrified at the same time. It's amazing how I can have these fears in the back of my mind though, but really, I am just going through the motions, going to the doc, hearing his heart beat, making to-do lists, resting, stretching. I remember feeling this way with William, an almost inner peace and confidence. I really will be happy to meet this little man and bring him home to his big brother. I think that William will be quite smitten with him and I know they will be best friends from the start.

Other than baby news, we are getting a long quite well. William and I went into Cambridge on our own this week and were VERY proud of ourselves for it. We stopped and had tacos and while I was a little bit of a mess, being super pregnant, a first-timer, and juggling a stroller, baby bag, and an (almost) two year old... we did quite fine and had a grand ol' time. We stopped for lunch and ate tacos and then visited a little gift shop where William picked out two little wind up toys (he has really good taste in toys!), a bumble bee and an airplane. I always have fun with him and I hope he feels the same way! I look forward to many, many good times together!

Speaking of good times together, my mama is officially booked for May (my b-day) to come and visit! yayy! I cannot wait and William and I are talking a lot about how "Nanny is coming to Boston".  Only about two months until that is happening! =) 

Well, that's really all for now, just living and loving and loathing winter =) But, we will make due for now until Spring decides to show us her glory! Love to all. 

We're After The Same Rainbow

Hello Banpan.

Where to begin? I'm tired today. The winter is really just exhausting me and doing nothing is even more exhausting right now then doing something, anything. I feel tired and bored and I just want to get out and go for a walk or something, but it's too dangerous for me to walk because there is ice everywhere and I have to be careful of falling! It really is quite crazy. I am trying to stay positive and use my "tools" as my friend, Angie would say. I am actually listening to a beautiful song right now, "Moon River", that just sang my mood. It was a song that had been appearing everywhere for me, so I figured I had better have a listen. What a gift of a song it is. Funny how music makes you feel like whatever you are feeling is okay. I have a tendency to try to talk myself into feeling happy, when I'm just not, and so today, I have given into my melancholy mood and will try to just relax and get through to brighter, sunnier days. My mama booked her trip to come visit in May for my birthday! I am glad she is coming and it will be nice to be around her. We will have fun! She wants to show me around her hometown of Providence, RI and while I have seen it, I have never seen it with her. It will be a really special time.

My pregnancy is moving right along and I have been buying things for Lucas. He will be here in about a month! I am happy and excited to meet him, but nervous in a different way than I was with William. With William, I was quite naive. Now, I am very aware of how intense labor can be and am nervous since I have been diagnosed with gestational diabetes. I don't want any complications. I try to focus on my strength and tell myself that I will be fine... everything will be fine. It is difficult to not feel anxious about it though. It sure is a roller coaster ride. But, I will continue to focus my energy on everything going smoothly and perfectly. And amen to that.

Oh, Boston winter. You have kicked my ass. I don't know if you were meant for me and no buts about it, no skiing down it, ice skating around it, snowboarding through it. You are FREAKING cold, to the bones cold. We have really braved it out and my gosh, William has been the biggest champ of all. What a wonderful little boy he really is. If he is happy, I am happy. Boston, Key West... where ever it may be. However, as Miss Audrey Hepburn sings in Moon River... "there's such an awful lot of world to see." And onward we go.

mama in her snow chair

snuggle buns

35 weeks

Well, here we are on the home stretch of what has been a rather long and strenuous journey. To add more on top of it all, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and have to see a diabetes specialist this week and learn more about what this means. Needless to say, I have been kind of freaking out. I have been doing a lot of my own research on healthy food choices and come across some really great food blogs. It is all one step at a time at this point, part of me is trying to stay cool, calm, and collected, the other part is just like "what the fuck. Really?". I mean it has really just been one thing after another, a move, a blowout with my father, a move across country (with a toddler, a dog, and a mini van), a tundra of a winter in New England, and now... gestational diabetes and worrying about my labor, the baby being too big, c-sections, the whole nine yards. I spoke with my midwife from home today who thankfully, put my mind at ease. She told me that lots of women get diagnosed with a mild case of gestational diabetes, not to worry. So, I will continue to eat healthy and think positive about my labor and the health of baby Lucas. There is only five weeks left of what has been, the second most difficult chapter in my life (the first, being away from Nick for one whole, long year). As long as we are together, we can get through anything.

So, here we go. Pushing forward onto the next chapter! Baby Lucas will be here in just five short weeks, which means we will be nesting around here and getting everything together! William seems to understand that something is happening and says "Lucas is coming. Brother. Friend." Yes, my sweet love. Brother, friend.

maternity photos @ 33 weeks by my love, playing outside in the snow with William and Jax <3

I wanna see you be brave!

Would you believe me if I told you I was cutting sugar out of my diet? Well, I am. I am on day two and my body is reacting in strange ways. I have been getting headaches and feeling nauseous and weak. It's crazy. I have read how addicting sugar can be, but didn't think that just by cutting out a few cookies a day would change the way my body functions. Right now, I am really just trying to detox from the stuff after my glucose tests came back high from the doctor. Apparently, this is a normal thing (which happened to me in my first pregnancy, as well) but I do feel like I eat WAY too much sugar and need to cut back. I don't ever see myself being a health nut and cutting out sugar altogether, but maybe indulge on special occasions or when something homemade and delicious is around. It has me a bit freaked out how terrible I have been feeling from just not eating it for two days. At first, I was very upset about my glucose tolerance test coming back high, but cutting out refined sugar is something I have been wanting to do anyways, so I am trying to see it as a positive and a way to  become more aware of the food I am eating. I am curious to see once my body has detoxed if I will feel better and have more energy. If so, this is a win for me because with baby #2 on the way, I need all the energy I can get! I have been replacing my cravings with fruit and it seems to be working okay. We will see how it goes and I will certainly keep you posted.

Other than that, we are covered in snow with bad weather predicted for the weekend. Some days, I mind, other days, I don't. Some days, I imagine the sunshine and how it feels on my skin and think I would dance around in it if I could only feel it for a moment. Today, I imagined myself in Key West, eating a fish sandwich outside at BO's fish wagon with cool sunnies on. What a lovely dream it is. I haven't been having much of an appetite the last few days, but when I imagine a fish sandwich in the sun, well, I think I could eat three! 

Some days, I miss Key West so much and it is all I can think about. Being so far removed now, I am forgetting everything I didn't like and remembering the things I loved. Days that were pure perfection, fishing with Nick on a cloud-like ocean, going for walks, warm hugs from friends. Ugh, it makes me almost cry now. I miss some things so much. I don't know what the future holds, but a piece of my heart will always be in Key West and I will always be an island girl, and Nick and William, my island boys. 

I am looking forward to Spring and Summer here, in Boston. The arrival of baby Lucas will bring a whole new meaning to my life and I can't wait to see William as a big brother and witness Nick with his newborn son once again. Spring will bring new life all around us and I am excited to experience the New England summers that I have been hearing about since I was a little girl, Maine lobster, Martha's Vineyard, the Cape, all a part of me that has been hidden until now. I often feel that my grandparents, from their heavenly thrones, brought me here to better know who I am and where I come from. A treasure hunt, if you will. It is thoughts like this that motivate me to be brave and power through. 

Well, thats all for now. Thank you all for your kind words and positive reinforcements. I couldn't do it with out you!

(ps. can't forget to mention that William first said "I love you" on Valentine's Day 2015!)

box of love from mama