I reach for solitude
as though it were a dusty book
on the highest shelf.
with its well worn pages
and tattered edges.
It tells stories of waterfalls
and lightening storms.
blue skies
and purple sunsets.
I quietly close the book
and return it to the highest shelf.
to bare witness to
the other books.
and other stories waiting to be told.
good morning and Merry Christmas to all. Yesterday was the first Christmas without my parents here and the first since they sold their house. It was a quiet day, despite the kids getting all their new gifts and playing! And of course, my sweet baby Wesley's first Christmas. Things are good. Confusing, tiresome, and often, frustrating but... good. I sometimes feel like I get caught in the center of a tornado and everything starts swirling all around me. The tornado starts to lift me up as I am trying to grab onto something, anything to keep me steady through the storm. When the kids start fighting, and the baby is crying... whew! But, one breath gets me through the other breath and then the calm returns. The more I learn to center myself, the shorter the storm and the less painful. I have (and am learning) to bite my tongue. Metaphorically, of course, but bite. and bite down hard. Otherwise, I want to scream and curse at everyone and everything. Sometimes. How do I see it through my sweet friends? Where is the calm? The part of me that isn't angry and scared, alone and confused. Desperate to reach high ground.
And in the midst of it all. Some things melt my heart. My baby and his squishy babiness. William, almost nine, but still my baby. Little lu, hobbling around, like a big brave boy on his cast. The days are long, but the years are short. I don't have the answers for many things right now. I try to draw strength from what feels solid and secure. Otherwise, it all gets clamored up in a big ball of smoke.
As you can probably tell, I miss my family dearly. We had such a nice time with them over Thanksgiving. There was so much space to run and play and a nice, welcoming home with my mother inside. I felt good. I felt taken care of. Of course, not everything is always rainbows and butterflies. My mind still finds way to sabotage everything. But, I left there with an overall feeling of well being and time nicely spent.
Anyways, cheers all. 2022 is on it's way. What am I most excited for? haha. The next season of my shows. lol. New Years resolution? ummm... just try to keep growing. be better then last year. meditate more. forgive myself more. read more. walk more. have fun.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year ban pan.
I recently watched a show on Netflix, and was inspired when the main character creates a group and asks them to write about the happiest day of their life. It got me thinking... what is my happiest day? Gosh, moments come to mind that could possibly be put together to last a full 24 hours. I thought of the day I got my car, when I aced my SAT's after years of studying. When I got into college or found out I got almost a full scholarship. The day I got my jetski, FREEDOM! Falling in love. Joining Miami Air, when that building seemed so massive to my 24 year old self. Realizing I wasn't alone. My grandmother asking me for cold water. Making beaded necklaces. Meeting each of one my babies for the first time.
There are moments and memories that have spanned over the course of a lifetime. And still the part of me that knows my happiest DAY is yet to come. Perhaps, it will be the day that I finish college or the day I get married. Perhaps it will be a day where my mind is at rest, when my soul has healed and all the missing pieces of my heart are put back together. Maybe it is close in the near future or maybe it really is in the distant past. A day that I can't even remember. Or a day that will stand out in my mind later on. Moments with my dad. Joyful times with my mom. Feeling connected to my brother. Or just falling into Nick's arms. Maybe it's a day with my babies that feels like we are on top of the world.
And still, at the core is the deep realization that the happiest time, the happiest moment, is now. It's sitting under the Bodhi tree, watching the show. Because at the end, all we ever really have is our self.
So, here it is. A little creative writing for you Banpan. Peace.
Hello hello!
I am writing first thing in the morning, behind tired, sad, weary eyes. While in my heart, I am always thankful for all that I have. My children, that they are healthy and happy, my home, a roof over my head, a loving partner, that I still have my parents and my family. However, I am going through something right now that I can't quite put my finger on. Deep, inner pain. Feelings that are so dark and scary, I can't fully feel them. It's like waves crashing over my own head. Feelings of loss, and feeling like I truly, will never be good enough. I will never be worthy of love, or friendship. That I am making all the wrong choices. That I am not a good enough mother. I have been saying prayers in my head, over and over again to get through the last few days. I had a difficult night over this past weekend and had to survive an even more difficult day- after. Just being so deep in the trenches of unworthiness. Trying to find that voice, deep inside that still says "no, I am good enough." But you know what is there? A silence. A peace that is hearing all of this, all of these voices and just watching. An inner stillness. It is the seat of awareness that is watching all of this play out. And let's hope that it does. Play itself out, I mean. I struggle with this inner work because at the same time, I wonder "am I being present enough with my outer world?", "do people know I care?'. I spend so much time "in meditation", that am I witnessing all of my gifts?
I guess it all comes down to trust. Trust, ultimately, in my Heavenly Father. And that I truly am his child, being looked after and cared for. It always brings me home. I long to connect deeper and deeper and deeper. My journey of faith has been truly unique. Things that I never thought would be a part of it, have been. And my job is to keep coming home.
On top of all this, I must discern every day. Right and wrong. True or false. However, something comes to mind while typing this. The words of my friend, Charlotte, what if there is no right or wrong? That is a very powerful idea. But, it is things like this, that I can lean upon when I am in the dark of the night. No right or wrong. I feel entrusted to be on my own right now. Leaving Date & Thyme has been like ripping off a band-aid all over again. The voices who were constantly loving me are no longer accessible in the ways that they once were. So, it is just me. Me and my thoughts a lot of the time. I don't know if this is good or bad? But, either way, I have been blessed with a new baby to look after, so that is what I do. In the meantime, I try to stay attentive and loving and present.
It is a heavy toll on the mind. To feel such responsibility. I enter into this week, with that as an intention... to calm the mind. To live in the heavy peace of the now. And with the question of how? How do I find that quiet in my own mind, and lay all of these racing thoughts to rest?
So much love. - Feryn
ps. don't forget that love is on your side.
Hey banpan fam!
How goes it? All good over here. The boys successfully started school a week ago today! We are doing great! Lucas was not so sure at first, but has well adjusted. They are in the same class, and I am so happy about this. They even have a baby in their class, which is so good for them at this point in their lives. I can't believe William is in third grade. I looked at him yesterday and was just shocked how big he is getting. He is such a sweet, little boy and I hope we will always be as close as we are now. I started a little business, Key West Bookkeeping. It is a good way for me to make money from home. It is fun and engaging. I am learning as I go and who knows? Maybe it will turn into something more one day. We are almost to the end of summer! There is a breeze in the air that always reminds me of the crispness of Fall. I have been thinking a lot on some things, just kind of the events of my life. I feel like I am coming through the end of a long, dark tunnel. Internally, life has been good. Things with my family, we have always stayed close. But, my personal experience. This time of year, I am reminded of September 11th and the feelings of that day. I remember my brother telling me later it was the first time he ever saw my dad cry.
I often remind myself how grateful I am that I was born into this country and this experience. There have been many lessons along the way and "mistakes" that made me wonder who I am as a human being. Forgiveness has been my greatest teacher and friend. Forgiving myself when those thoughts of the past come up. I know they are showing the shadow so it can come forth into the light. So, I must learn and continue to practice thanking them and allowing them, and inviting them towards peace and understanding. So, that's just a bit on my own personal journey.
Wesley Shoal Soto is doing great. Born on June 27th, my labor pains started at 3:00 am and Wesley arrived at 2:27 pm. Our time in the hospital was brief and he was born a happy, healthy boy. I am so grateful. Looking back, my pregnancy was such a time of change for me. It was a major practice of letting go and surrender. I know that none of this would be possible with the presence of God in my life, that is what I truly believe. At the end of the day, I always come home to my Christian beliefs. I have been hesitant to claim this "title", as a Christian. But it is who I am. I must accept it and work with it, constantly. But, I have come to see it as a gift. When I was young, it didn't matter. I didn't need the title, it just was. I know that God has put every single thing into my life as a teacher and to answer my questions I have about who "he" is and how I came to be.
So, just some thoughts. I know I can always share freely here. Peace banpan.
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| one of the first photos of us as a whole fam |
Also, want to mention how Lucas is the best big brother in the world. He loves Wesley with all of his little heart. They both do. Lucas however, is very much in love and always wanting to hold the baby. He lays with him every chance he gets and always welcome us with a big, huge smile when he gets home from school. Am I the luckiest, or what?
Greetings from June (pregnant) in Key West. Holy Heat. We have 19 days until expected due date. I am tired and hot. My sleep schedule is completely out of whack, I am starting to forget what day it is, and did I mention it's hot? lol. I mean, sometimes, it's gloriously hot and other times it's omg can I catch a break, it's hot. I have only had a few meltdowns in preparation for the baby, so I would say "hey, we are doing pretty good." I am excited to meet him, not excited for labor. It's a very emotional time, as you can imagine and I feel. somewhat out of touch with reality apart from my doctors appointments.
I have my baby shower this Saturday and I am excited for that. I have a new, pretty outfit and hope to just have a nice time. It's a time to celebrate this little boy, so for that, I am grateful. My friends are super sweet to do this for me. As far as home prep and nesting, we have come a long way and I have only been slightly OCD about it all. It's coming a long though and I think we will be ready for baby when he comes. Say some prayers for me and my sanity, please.
William and Lucas are doing great. They are my best, little buds and I am so thrilled to have them. I have been having vivid dreams lately and last night/this morning I was kind of lucid dreaming about Lucas and started chuckling in my sleep. lol it was really funny and amazing. They both make me so happy. I enjoy being their mom very much.
So, yea we are just taking everything one day at time. Enjoying home cooked meals and time in Key West that feels like summer time. It's a beautiful thing. Mimi will be here in 11 days to support us during the next phase of our lives and I am so grateful. It feels wonderful to know she will be here. Anyways, love to you all.
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| Wesley Shoal Soto - 36 weeks |
Hello angels!
It is May 4 and I am about two months away from the end of my pregnancy. At this point, I have stopped working my regular schedule and am mostly tying up loose ends with date & thyme and working from home for one of my very own bookkeeping clients! Woohoo. Go team! I have had a complete upheaval with "cutting the cord" of date & thyme. I hate to say it, but I feel perhaps my time with date & thyme has come to an end. My plan now is to focus on being home with my baby. Tomorrow, I meet with someone at the college to possibly take a class in the Fall. It is an accounting class that I can use to start to lay the groundwork for my very own bookkeeping business. Lots & lots on my mind these days. I have to love myself through all of it, through all of the searching because I know I am only trying to create something to better myself down the line.
I feel it would be really good to have to a small business to work on once Wesley gets here. All I can do is try and hope that the universe will match me where I am. I don't want to take on too much. However, I want to do what I can while I can. I am super nervous to go to this advising appointment tomorrow because it is the reopening of a book that I want to slam shut and burn. The college book. But that energy is fear and I choose faith. I choose grace.
I am really diving into the spiritual these days, with much more time on my hands then I have had in years. My home is getting lighter and brighter, I am resting. I am eating food that I love. I am trying to constantly shift into gratitude and out of fear and funky energy. My relationship with my family is the best it has been in years. I am healing. I am truly, truly healing.
So, my divine, I don't know if I will be back before the baby comes but please keep me in your prayers for a safe and healthy delivery of baby Wes. I can't wait to see him. Omg baby. I love you all. Keep it real. Keep the faith. And most importantly, keep going.
