One year!

I haven't written in forever! I had been putting off writing this for that reason. That, and trying to keep up with a one year old little boy :) Some days, it feels surreal. That I have this beautiful, handsome nine year old boy. A little Lucas, who is just the sweetest, gentlest little thing. And a BABY boy, Wesley. It's all so funny and I am always like "Woah, this is growing up/getting older thing is going by fast!". There is always that sadness there that it will all be over one day. But life is good and sweet no matter what, and I hope to enjoy my life until the very end. Here are the babies' first year of pictures, as promised.

good evening

 hello from me =)

been a few months now... Wesley is 7 months old and will be 8 months in just a few days. nick is out fishing overnight, so I am home with the boys. Things are good, my only complaint is that time is going by too quickly. the boys are getting bigger. William will be nine in a few months and Lucas, seven. I try to hold on to every moment, however, we know that is not possible and time keeps clicking a long. I often day dream about what my life will look like when the boys are grown... just wondering, ya know? I hope it is full of good memories and that I am still happy. Motherhood has without a doubt been my favorite thing ever. Anyways, I guess I have a little while until they are full grown, so I plan to just enjoy the process. (sigh). It really is a beautiful, wonderful life. 

 I went fishing with my mom, dad, brother and the boys today. The ocean was covered in fog! 

If motherhood were a bookshelf.

 I reach for solitude

as though it were a dusty book 

on the highest shelf.

with its well worn pages

and tattered edges.

It tells stories of waterfalls

and lightening storms.

blue skies

and purple sunsets.

I quietly close the book 

and return it to the highest shelf.

to bare witness to

the other books.

and other stories waiting to be told.

Merry Christmas

 good morning and Merry Christmas to all. Yesterday was the first Christmas without my parents here and the first since they sold their house. It was a quiet day, despite the kids getting all their new gifts and playing! And of course, my sweet baby Wesley's first Christmas. Things are good. Confusing, tiresome, and often, frustrating but... good. I sometimes feel like I get caught in the center of a tornado and everything starts swirling all around me. The tornado starts to lift me up as I am trying to grab onto something, anything to keep me steady through the storm. When the kids start fighting, and the baby is crying... whew! But, one breath gets me through the other breath and then the calm returns. The more I learn to center myself, the shorter the storm and the less painful. I have (and am learning) to bite my tongue. Metaphorically, of course, but bite. and bite down hard. Otherwise, I want to scream and curse at everyone and everything. Sometimes. How do I see it through my sweet friends? Where is the calm? The part of me that isn't angry and scared, alone and confused. Desperate to reach high ground. 

And in the midst of it all. Some things melt my heart. My baby and his squishy babiness. William, almost nine, but still my baby. Little lu, hobbling around, like a big brave boy on his cast. The days are long, but the years are short. I don't have the answers for many things right now. I try to draw strength from what feels solid and secure. Otherwise, it all gets clamored up in a big ball of smoke. 

As you can probably tell, I miss my family dearly. We had such a nice time with them over Thanksgiving. There was so much space to run and play and a nice, welcoming home with my mother inside. I felt good. I felt taken care of. Of course, not everything is always rainbows and butterflies. My mind still finds way to sabotage everything. But, I left there with an overall feeling of well being and time nicely spent. 

Anyways, cheers all. 2022 is on it's way. What am I most excited for? haha. The next season of my shows. lol. New Years resolution? ummm... just try to keep growing. be better then last year. meditate more. forgive myself more. read more. walk more. have fun. 

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year ban pan. 

Creative Writing 1

I recently watched a show on Netflix, and was inspired when the main character creates a group and asks them to write about the happiest day of their life. It got me thinking... what is my happiest day? Gosh, moments come to mind that could possibly be put together to last a full 24 hours. I thought of the day I got my car, when I aced my SAT's after years of studying. When I got into college or found out I got almost a full scholarship. The day I got my jetski, FREEDOM! Falling in love. Joining Miami Air, when that building seemed so massive to my 24 year old self. Realizing I wasn't alone. My grandmother asking me for cold water. Making beaded necklaces. Meeting each of one my babies for the first time. 

There are moments and memories that have spanned over the course of a lifetime. And still the part of me that knows my happiest DAY is yet to come. Perhaps, it will be the day that I finish college or the day I get married. Perhaps it will be a day where my mind is at rest, when my soul has healed and all the missing pieces of my heart are put back together. Maybe it is close in the near future or maybe it really is in the distant past. A day that I can't even remember. Or a day that will stand out in my mind later on. Moments with my dad. Joyful times with my mom. Feeling connected to my brother. Or just falling into Nick's arms. Maybe it's a day with my babies that feels like we are on top of the world. 

And still, at the core is the deep realization that the happiest time, the happiest moment, is now. It's sitting under the Bodhi tree, watching the show. Because at the end, all we ever really have is our self. 

So, here it is. A little creative writing for you Banpan. Peace.

trust.

 Hello hello!

I am writing first thing in the morning, behind tired, sad, weary eyes. While in my heart, I am always thankful for all that I have. My children, that they are healthy and happy, my home, a roof over my head, a loving partner, that I still have my parents and my family. However, I am going through something right now that I can't quite put my finger on. Deep, inner pain. Feelings that are so dark and scary, I can't fully feel them. It's like waves crashing over my own head. Feelings of loss, and feeling like I truly, will never be good enough. I will never be worthy of love, or friendship. That I am making all the wrong choices. That I am not a good enough mother. I have been saying prayers in my head, over and over again to get through the last few days. I had a difficult night over this past weekend and had to survive an even more difficult day- after. Just being so deep in the trenches of unworthiness. Trying to find that voice, deep inside that still says "no, I am good enough." But you know what is there? A silence. A peace that is hearing all of this, all of these voices and just watching. An inner stillness. It is the seat of awareness that is watching all of this play out. And let's hope that it does. Play itself out, I mean. I struggle with this inner work because at the same time, I wonder "am I being present enough with my outer world?", "do people know I care?'. I spend so much time "in meditation", that am I witnessing all of my gifts?

I guess it all comes down to trust. Trust, ultimately, in my Heavenly Father. And that I truly am his child, being looked after and cared for. It always brings me home. I long to connect deeper and deeper and deeper. My journey of faith has been truly unique. Things that I never thought would be a part of it, have been. And my job is to keep coming home. 

On top of all this, I must discern every day. Right and wrong. True or false. However, something comes to mind while typing this. The words of my friend, Charlotte, what if there is no right or wrong? That is a very powerful idea. But, it is things like this, that I can lean upon when I am in the dark of the night. No right or wrong. I feel entrusted to be on my own right now. Leaving Date & Thyme has been like ripping off a band-aid all over again. The voices who were constantly loving me are no longer accessible in the ways that they once were. So, it is just me. Me and my thoughts a lot of the time. I don't know if this is good or bad? But, either way, I have been blessed with a new baby to look after, so that is what I do. In the  meantime, I try to stay attentive and loving and present. 

It is a heavy toll on the mind. To feel such responsibility. I enter into this week, with that as an intention... to calm the mind. To live in the heavy peace of the now. And with the question of how? How do I find that quiet in my own mind, and lay all of these racing thoughts to rest? 

So much love. - Feryn 

ps. don't forget that love is on your side. 

Good morning!

 Hey banpan fam!

How goes it? All good over here. The boys successfully started school a week ago today! We are doing great! Lucas was not so sure at first, but has well adjusted. They are in the same class, and I am so happy about this. They even have a baby in their class, which is so good for them at this point in their lives. I can't believe William is in third grade. I looked at him yesterday and was just shocked how big he is getting. He is such a sweet, little boy and I hope we will always be as close as we are now. I started a little business, Key West Bookkeeping. It is a good way for me to make money from home. It is fun and engaging. I am learning as I go and who knows? Maybe it will turn into something more one day. We are almost to the end of summer! There is a breeze in the air that always reminds me of the crispness of Fall. I have been thinking a lot on some things, just kind of the events of my life. I feel like I am coming through the end of a long, dark tunnel. Internally, life has been good. Things with my family, we have always stayed close. But, my personal experience. This time of year, I am reminded of September 11th and the feelings of that day. I remember my brother telling me later it was the first time he ever saw my dad cry. 

I often remind myself how grateful I am that I was born into this country and this experience. There have been many lessons along the way and "mistakes" that made me wonder who I am as a human being. Forgiveness has been my greatest teacher and friend. Forgiving myself when those thoughts of the past come up. I know they are showing the shadow so it can come forth into the light. So, I must learn and continue to practice thanking them and allowing them, and inviting them towards peace and understanding. So, that's just a bit on my own personal journey. 

Wesley Shoal Soto is doing great. Born on June 27th, my labor pains started at 3:00 am and Wesley arrived at 2:27 pm. Our time in the hospital was brief and he was born a happy, healthy boy. I am so grateful. Looking back, my pregnancy was such a time of change for me. It was a major practice of letting go and surrender. I know that none of this would be possible with the presence of God in my life, that is what I truly believe. At the end of the day, I always come home to my Christian beliefs. I have been hesitant to claim this "title", as a Christian. But it is who I am. I must accept it and work with it, constantly. But, I have come to see it as a gift. When I was young, it didn't matter. I didn't need the title, it just was. I know that God has put every single thing into my life as a teacher and to answer my questions I have about who "he" is and how I came to be. 

So, just some thoughts. I know I can always share freely here. Peace banpan. 

one of the first photos of us as a whole fam

Also, want to mention how Lucas is the best big brother in the world. He loves Wesley with all of his little heart. They both do. Lucas however, is very much in love and always wanting to hold the baby. He lays with him every chance he gets and always welcome us with a big, huge smile when he gets home from school. Am I the luckiest, or what?

Counting down.

 Greetings from June (pregnant) in Key West. Holy Heat. We have 19 days until expected due date. I am tired and hot. My sleep schedule is completely out of whack, I am starting to forget what day it is, and did I mention it's hot? lol. I mean, sometimes, it's gloriously hot and other times it's omg can I catch a break, it's hot. I have only had a few meltdowns in preparation for the baby, so I would say "hey, we are doing pretty good." I am excited to meet him, not excited for labor. It's a very emotional time, as you can imagine and I feel. somewhat out of touch with reality apart from my doctors appointments. 

I have my baby shower this Saturday and I am excited for that. I have a new, pretty outfit and hope to just have a nice time. It's a time to celebrate this little boy, so for that, I am grateful. My friends are super sweet to do this for me. As far as home prep and nesting, we have come a long way and I have only been slightly OCD about it all. It's coming a long though and I think we will be ready for baby when he comes. Say some prayers for me and my sanity, please. 

William and Lucas are doing great. They are my best, little buds and I am so thrilled to have them. I have been having vivid dreams lately and last night/this morning I was kind of lucid dreaming about Lucas and started chuckling in my sleep. lol it was really funny and amazing. They both make me so happy. I enjoy being their mom very much. 

So, yea we are just taking everything one day at time. Enjoying home cooked meals and time in Key West that feels like summer time. It's a beautiful thing. Mimi will be here in 11 days to support us during the next phase of our lives and I am so grateful. It feels wonderful to know she will be here. Anyways, love to you all. 

Wesley Shoal Soto - 36 weeks

Homestretch.

 Hello angels!

It is May 4 and I am about two months away from the end of my pregnancy. At this point, I have stopped working my regular schedule and am mostly tying up loose ends with date & thyme and working from home for one of my very own bookkeeping clients! Woohoo. Go team! I have had a complete upheaval with "cutting the cord" of date & thyme. I hate to say it, but I feel perhaps my time with date & thyme has come to an end. My plan now is to focus on being home with my baby. Tomorrow, I meet with someone at the college to possibly take a class in the Fall. It is an accounting class that I can use to start to lay the groundwork for my very own bookkeeping business. Lots & lots on my mind these days. I have to love myself through all of it, through all of the searching because I know I am only trying to create something to better myself down the line. 

I feel it would be really good to have to a small business to work on once Wesley gets here. All I can do is try and hope that the universe will match me where I am. I don't want to take on too much. However, I want to do what I can while I can. I am super nervous to go to this advising appointment tomorrow because it is the reopening of a book that I want to slam shut and burn. The college book. But that energy is fear and I choose faith. I choose grace. 

I am really diving into the spiritual these days, with much more time on my hands then I have had in years. My home is getting lighter and brighter, I am resting. I am eating food that I love. I am trying to constantly shift into gratitude and out of fear and funky energy. My relationship with my family is the best it has been in years. I am healing. I am truly, truly healing. 

So, my divine, I don't know if I will be back before the baby comes but please keep me in your prayers for a safe and healthy delivery of baby Wes. I can't wait to see him. Omg baby. I love you all. Keep it real. Keep the faith. And most importantly, keep going. 

Moving on.

 Good Morning. 

It's a windy March morning here in Key West. Nick has had markets all weekend, which currently, leaves us stuck at home with no transportation. Deep breaths. Patience. Ugh. This too shall pass. 

Well, I am five months pregnant with our third son. I would like to name him Wesley. It has been a whirlwind. I am grateful and excited to meet him. At the same time, nervous for the future. I will stop working and primarily be working from home here and there. My plan is to start a bookkeeping business, which will allow me to work from home to be with the new babe. A new adventure is upon us. Wish me luck and good fortune. I will definitely have to find things to do, but with the state of the world and the changes that have occurred during this time, it will be unlike my other experiences with the babes. I would love to think of joining a play group, but the Corona virus is still a part of our reality and it doesn't feel safe to bring a baby out into the world at this time. One day at at time. 

The next thing to get through is labor. Something I dread every morning upon waking up. Like my friend Beth said, however "it is what you make of it." So, I will try to shift my perspective to be an experience that will bring me to my baby. A light portal that Nick and I will walk through. It really brings up so many things for me. It's a question of faith and guidance and support. Who will walk me through? It is a voyage of the mind, body, and soul. To be in such extreme pain, I have to fix my mind on a single point. The mind has to stay focused or the waves become more powerful then you. I think it will be important this time around. 

During my last labor, my mind was all over the place. On the nurse, on the experiences I had gone through that previous Winter. So much pain with Nick. Doubt and fear. I want this time to be different. I have heard one woman describe her labor as surfing waves with Jesus. This sounds incredible. And fun =)

What else? Well, my parents sold their house and are in the process of moving. No more childhood home. It is tough to put this experience into words. It is the closing of a chapter. Maybe the closing of an entire book and the start of a new one. This home was so tied into my identity. Key Haven and our beautiful home. My story. How far my family had come. How we persevered. How we built it. It is my entire past. My entire history. And now, the book has closed. I am sort of left here, holding the book and looking around at what is actually in front of me. A little lost because "which direction do I go?" a little excited because... I get to choose. And peaceful because... hey, I know this place. And curious, which way feels best? Something new is up ahead. The soul is sturdy and has been built. Now, it gets to truly experience itself and the beauty that has been created. 

So... onward with peace in my heart. Gratitude at the core of everything, always. Life's lessons as building blocks and learning experiences to draw upon. I will keep you posted! Love always. 

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

1 year later (in quarantine).

Hello =)

wow. almost one full year has gone by since my last post. Tomorrow is Mother's Day 2020! We are under quarantine from a pandemic that came through a few months ago. It has been a very difficult time as our government has been under serious scrutiny for not handling things properly (what else is new?). Usually, I try not to dive too deep into politics, but it has been somewhat unavoidable this time around. My heart has been aching for what is going on in this country and my eyes have been opened to the way things are handled. I am very grateful to be who I am and where I am at this point in time. God has graced me in so many ways. I try to stay focused on this while I feel deeply what others may be going through and as a mother, it weighs heavy. I offer prayer and compassion for the people who were born under difficult circumstances.

Oh Mother's Day, yet another day we have invented that sometimes, makes me feel like bleh. While I will soak up the love I receive on this day and will try to (under quarantine conditions) show my own mother how much I love and appreciate her. I am pulled in many directions right now as the country tries to re-open with the threat of a virus lurking about. I have worked through these conditions at Date & Thyme and it definitely takes a toll on my own mental health. I am tired and worn down. We wear a mask all day at work and many offer their own opinions and thoughts on the matter to me. I try to stand the middle ground, but I, like a sponge, soak it all up. Over the past several weeks I have felt determined, empathy (as many lose their homes and jobs), tired, worried, scared, and confused all while trying to maintain a positive attitude with others and especially in my home and towards my children.

We had two quarantine birthdays! lol! April brought another trip around the sun to both my boys as they turned seven and five. William is finishing out 1st grade in virtual schooling and Lucas will start kindergarten in the Fall (real or virtual, I do not know?). There is talk of canceling Fantasy Fest this year as they predict that the virus may make a comeback in the cooler temperatures of the Fall.

And all the while, my mind races to keep up with what is and what will be. I see so many areas of my life changing. I find I am no longer willing to keep up with everyone else, but have to speak my own thoughts and feelings. I am somewhat unwilling to continue to go the speed that I was going before this all happened. I crave time at home and have been working hard with Nick to do things around the house. Our home is coming together and has an all around better feeling being here. There is still some big projects to do, like re-do the back deck, but we got a little pool for the boys back there which is transforming our backyard space and making it somewhere we actually want to be. The good, fun vibes were so needed after burying Jax back there last April =(

I know nothing else but to keep on going, even on days when I don't want to DO ANY OF IT ANYMORE. I often wonder, where is this all headed? Will Nick and I ever have the family business that we once dreamt of or is that too taking on a new form? Looking back, I can see why I needed to stay at Date & Thyme and receive the nourishment that it has to offer. It is a good outlet for me and I like to have money to show for it. I do not know where this will all lead as once upon a time, my goal was to just take the boys to Disney, Legoland, all the places! Will these places even re-open? What will I feel about going to a place that is a melting pot of people and ... germs. I do not know, but as for today, we are doing ok!

How I spent my Summer (part 2).

Hello beauty!

How I spent my summer... part 2. This was a good summer, full of the sweetness that only summer time can hold. We boated with friends, spent time with puppy, went to the movies, slipped and slided, and pool hopped! I can't believe it's over, like where did the time even go? I have lots of great pics to share!

This summer was a sort of passing through for me after last summer. I knew I was going to have those triggering moments of when things got difficult last year, and I did. But, I kept pushing through to the other side and kept trying to return to love. It has been an especially difficult few months after losing Jax.

But, I think we are on the upward and that everything is going to be ok. William is now in first grade and he is doing fine. It is taking some getting used to, but we made a new friend in his class, Noah. I adore his family and look forward to more time together.

So, June brought the concert and the major heat! July brought a visit from Brendan, fireworks, movies, and boating. August, a boat day with the Robinson's (getting knocked out with the flu), and back to school.

The boys are getting a long well. William's new teacher is very nice and he is a sweet little boy, who everyone seems to adore. Both boys are loving their puppy, Ollie. They are very sweet with him and snuggle him every chance they get. Lu is so adorable and just my little sweet pea right now. He is my little sidekick and has all the kisses for mommy.

And it's all just flying right on by! Next will be Halloween and the Fantasy Fest activities! I will update with all my favorite summertime photos ASAP!

sprouted a lychee tree this season! 

swimming at the community pool! william took a swim test (and passed)!

how i spent my summer... (part 1)

hello hello!

Friday marks the first official day of summer and boy have we been feeling the shift. The boys have both come down with some sort of cough and I have just been sooo sleepy. In all fairness, we have had a lot going on lately with the new puppy and just major things happening. Nick and I just attended a concert together at the Truman Waterfront and it was a nice evening with our friends. We danced and listened to the groovy sounds of Slightly Stoopid, a band that we started listening to a while ago on the ocean. It was so nice to get out and dance and just be in the moment. Not too much thinking, just moving our bodies and celebrating summer time!

We are currently reading two new books, and so far, we are really enjoying them. I am reading Where the Crawdads Sing and William is reading (I am reading to him), Pippi Longstocking. I love how they both focus on  the free spirit of girl. I love Crawdads because it's about a town much like my own. It helps me see Key West (and myself), in a totally different light.

Nick is officially moved into his new shop and settling in this week. The new AND improved location of Made by Soto. It looks awesome and I love it so much. I will update with pics soon, but for now puppy needs a walk! xoxox

moving up ceremony

Yesterday was Williams last day of kindergarten and it brought so many emotions! The morning was a whirlwind of baths and ironing clothes, and then at 10 am, we made our way over to City Hall to watch his graduation ceremony. They acknowledged the kindergarteners moving up to first grade, as a sort of induction into the school. I was happy, sad, and grateful. His teacher has been so amazing and sweet to him and this time has been so wonderful because of her. She has really acknowledged William for the little soul that he is, and I will miss her so much. I know William will too.

It's weird to think that he will no longer be the little guy on campus, but now will be somewhere in the middle. Kindergarten has had such a sweet, sensitive nature to it and now, that time has passed. It feels like now, we start growing up. You can imagine that this has affected me on so many different levels. I am joyful for the little person he is becoming, so grateful for the people helping us to shape his life, and sad that time is passing and my little boy will one day not be my little boy anymore. The greatest times in my life have been spent making forts with him, playing in the pool and hearing him call out for "mommy."

He has made really nice friends and done really well in his schooling. I am very fond of the way that they teach him at Montessori and it seems he has a knack for things like architecture and math. He is so smart. I love him so much. 

So best of luck to you, my William boy. We love you so much. 

almost summer

We are about to wrap up William's first year of school. I like this feeling, a feeling of completion and accomplishment. Some days were not easy. But, we learned and grew and made it to the end with a smile. Montessori is slowly becoming part of our family. We are becoming a part of the school more and more every day and I am excited for the opportunity to get Lucas accustomed to the school that he will attend in a little over a year. This year has brought us together in a lot of ways, even when I thought it would tear us apart. Nick and I are on stable ground and I am finding my way back into his arms.

I don't know what this summer will hold. I feel that change is on the horizon, in some way or another. I hope the warm coming months will bring us closer together as a family. I hope the storm is behind us. I hope our future is prosperous. I hope we enjoy our lives together as they come together more and more every day.

So, here's to the (almost) completion of kindergarten. Here's to sleeping in. To salty days and relaxing nights. Here's to peace. Here's to love and to the next chapter of our lives.

Our journey is just beginning.

mothers day and puppy time.

Hello hello!

Greetings 8 days out from 33! I am excited for my birthday this year and actually, feel like it's going to be a great year for us. My goals are to focus on my family and continue to learn and grow, and to know and love myself more. I realize that until this time, I have played it small, and not trusted myself. I have trusted outside voices more then my own and really worried so much about people's opinions of me. I am realizing more and more that I am in charge of my own life and that the opinions of others do not have to play such a large role in my life.

I want to learn to trust my own inner voice more. To trust love and Nick. To deepen my faith in God and to find a resting place in the unconditional love of God. It sounds deep, but I think it is perfectly simple. Rest.

Here are some pictures of Olley's first day with us.

trust list & puppy update

I recently watched a little podcast from Danielle LaPorte about creating a trust list. So, here is mine.

I trust:

• Nick to protect me and our family
• nature
• hugs
• friends
• my words
• the Gap (ha)
• Amanda Frances
• Vicky Shaw
• Gabby Bernstein & Danielle LaPorte
• prayer
• God
• deep breaths
• my body
• my mind (the knowledge part)
• my little Olly
• butterflies that represent transformation
• the Earth
• the sun and the moon to rise
• when I am in Beth's calm
• being on the ocean
• the mountains 
• the air I breathe
• that I will always seek and find joy in my life. Danielle describes this as joy through sadness, to return to joy again.
• that Nick will enrich my life.

We got a new puppy yesterday. My vote for name is Olly, short for Almund, meaning protector of the temple. He is full of so much sweetness that I hardly know what to do with myself or him. He is the littlest puppy and romps around the yard for about 30 minutes and then, comes in to snooze in the cool air conditioning. He is so good for us. At first, when Jax passed away, I said that I did not want another dog anytime soon, but this little guy is a burst of sunlight in our day. This morning we all woke up happy and excited that this little guy is now a part of our life. I want like five of him running around so I can just watch puppies enjoy the same things as I do, sunshine, adventures, and people, to name a few, so far. Oh yes, and napping in the AC! 

I can't wait to see what the future brings us Olly.  I hope it's beach days and mountain runs and just sucking the sweet nectar out of this experience called life. Thanks for picking us, Olly! 

May day!

Hello,

I had a previous post on here, discussing the difficult time I was having, However, I deleted it and haven't looked back since. The past two weeks have been full of change. We lost our Jaxy. It was very unfortunate circumstances, that I am still questioning every moment of every day. I don't know how I will ever move forward or forgive myself. The wisdom in me tells me it will be okay, but my heart misses him.

I know that this is all propelling me into something new and different. However, I wish it could have been different. But, that is a battle that I cannot win. I trust in forces unseen and know that God is always working in my favor.

And in the midst of it all, life keeps going. There is no time for self-loathing because you have birthdays and parties and school snacks and little boys who are all- forgiving and loving and patient and kind. Even when I want to hate myself, I can't because there is a little boy who looks at me with such love in his eyes and often, I realize this is me. This is the mirror. There I am as a child. So, I try to offer as much love and listening and presence as I can hold and some days, I know I have work to do. My attention can last completely for a short amount of time.

I am working to change this. I am working every moment of every day to change this through prayer, meditation, exercise, exchanges, lists, and today, writing. I always know it is time to write when the words start to feel like they are bubbling up inside of me. This post took me about 3 days to write. I started with the first two paragraphs, when it got too painful, I had to step away. I had to let the rain fall and the sun to come out again. Writing is the only way I can truly connect with my true SELF. My mind will be telling me a million crazy things all throughout the day, but the words that come out when I write are the truth, my truth.

And so it is. We move on to this next chapter of our life without Jaxy. My Jaxy bear. My sweet, sweet dog who offered me comfort and companionship for the most difficult days I have encountered thus far. The days when I felt like I had no one, that dog was by my side. On constant watch. On constant guard of me and my family. His loss will never leave my life. There will never be another one like him. He was young and beautiful, soft and lean. He was cautious, yet assertive. The perfect dog.

I will not let him go in vain. I will constantly seek to improve my mind so that I can tune more into what is happening in my life at any given time. I will seek to trust the will of God and his plan for me. I will constantly strive for perfection, the perfection that God has for me. I will seek to balance mind and body, to have more strength to do the things I want to do. To be fully present for my life.

Peace.

Rest in Peace Jaxon Soto. 7/4/11-4/28/19.

"I carry your heart. I carry it in my heart. I am never without it."-e.e. cummings

greetings!

greetings from the other side of 4. Our baby is four years old. Four. I mean, where does the time even go? Hopefully up to a perfect memory cloud that just stays perfect forever. It was a fun filled day, complete with balloons and our first Happy Birthday song with just the four of us present.

Normally, Lucas covers his ears when everyone sings to him because he says it is "too loud", but when it was just the four of us, he was so happy and into it. He blew out his candles and gave Nick a high five. It was so sweet. He asked all day when he would get to go to his party, which would be held the day after his birthday. It was a great day, which ended with tears when his "lego balloon" flew away into the night sky. =( So sad. My heart just broke for him. What a bittersweet moment that is.

The party was the next day which was busy, busy, busy. I made all the food throughout the day, which was really good for so as not to get too anxious about the actual party. I found some cute ideas on Pinterest and did a really good job, I thought =) The party was a dinosaur theme, complete with a dino egg hunt, and a piñata. The whole party came out really good and the kids all seemed to have a nice time. We ended the evening watching the sunset, then packing up the truck to head home. It was a smashing success, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't at all anxious about it! I always get a little nervous with social gatherings and especially, hosting them! I think I pulled it off, cool, calm, and collected, however.


So, how do I feel about the boys turning a year older? It is always a lot of emotions! Happy, sad, stressful, reflective, proud... But, we are truly doing a good job of taking care of each other and I am always grateful for that! Thanks and talk soon!

good morning.

Hello lovies,

I just wanted to update you on some things that happened since I last wrote. Yesterday was Williams first family day at school, where the parents were invited to come and view their childs work over the last few months. William was excited to show us many things and Lucas was super sweet, as he tried to participate, as well. William's best friend, Jayden, is also so adorable and sweet and I hope they are friends forever. He even looks like William! 

I am trying to take things slower and enjoy my two sweet babies to the absolute fullest. Times can be so trying, though and I often, get tired and cranky. It is my prayer to God that he helps me to always honor my energy and not take on too much, to always do what is best for myself so that I may give whole heartedly to my family. If I take on too much I get a headache and don't feel well, so I am really trying to be healthy and happy. 

We finished yesterday off with a trip to the Waterfront Park, which may be my favorite place in all the world. The temperature here is just perfect with nice, cool, grass, shade, and a glorious fountain splash pad to play in. William has had an ear infection for about 3 weeks and has had to stay out of the water, but I did let him indulge a little yesterday and he couldn't have been happier to be reunited with his favorite play thing, water =). I felt my own mind lighten up from the fun we were having and the heaviness that I was experiencing started to lift. It was a very nice afternoon, indeed and I plan to spend more evenings like this. 

I have received a true blessing, which I won't talk about too much on here. But, I simply want to take a moment to ask God to guide my ways with this blessing. That is all. Thank you. 

Amen! Love ya.